I fell in love with a psycho

Ok, so you didn’t realise it at the time, but… You fell for a psychopath.

Wait, what? Hold up- A psychopath?

We’re not necessarily talking Alfred Hitchcock’s 1960’s black and white movie featuring a bathtub, a knife, and shadows on a shower curtain, type psycho.

But- we are talking a ‘psychopath’, nonetheless.

Conned. You paid so very dearly, and have been left with extensive soul scarring. You lost faith in others, and devastatingly- in yourself during the whole process. You experienced unimaginable grief when the story came to an end, but it’s a story that will always be part of your life. It is one of the most important learning experiences that you have ever been through.

I’d never heard of this, before my previous relationship, but I did my fair share of reading following the breakup to help understand what on earth had happened. There are so many personality disorders and behaviours that I, near on drowned in information but… There is no harm in being armed.

So…

High functioning psychopaths / sociopaths are really… Really hard to spot. Like… Seriously hard.

Even those who are well aware and well versed in this type of behaviour in a person, get fooled. They cloak themselves- Star-Trek style. They are masters of disguise and have learned from a very young age how to ‘mirror’. How to become exactly what you want, for however long they ‘need’ to. That ‘need’ is determined by, essentially, how long they can find a use for you before they sacrifice you (Sheesh…).

Which, although harsh, is the basis for so many narcissistic type behaviours.

The ‘mirroring’ behaviour has to be one of the more interesting aspects of Psychopathy that I read about- it’s somewhat like someone who has lost their sight having an augmented sense of hearing, or smell.

This individual developed an augmented ability, essentially to compensate for their lacking in remorse, guilt, empathy and ability to love. There-in lies… The cloak.

On the flip-side, low functioning psychopaths / sociopaths are somewhat easier to spot, it seems, as they are haughtier and can seem to be less in control at times. A bit more chaotic, perhaps. They seem to let down their guard more, but like their higher functioning counterpart they too, are chameleons and are impeccable mirrors.

Once you have experienced a couple of these individuals, and believe me it’s an experience (not necessarily a good one), you start to get a sense of it.

Closed off behaviour, and arctic cold at times, hot and intense at others- in great peaks and troughs. A bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Now that is not to say that every person who exhibits this behaviour is psychopathic or sociopathic- it’s just one of many different threads that weave into the final tapestry.

Due to some personal experience, I tend to stay on the lookout for the sake of self-preservation. I find myself hanging back and observing more than interacting, wanting to take psychopath or sociopath off my list first and foremost. I adamantly refuse to associate with them, so I ended up developing a mental check list so I can #YEET them from my life at the first available moment.

Part of the checklist as follows:

Lying, which they do excessively.

If the person frequently lacks anxious energy in situations that would be terrifying to most.

Eye contact as they seem to, as a rule, LOVE staring you down and looking at you like some sort of prey animal in their sights.

Watch their behaviour and how they are around myself and others.

It’s sad, really- but when I meet anyone new, everyone is a suspect. I've turned into the Poirot of personal interactions, or the Miss Marple, or maybe even the Basil of Bakerstreet. Every single person- friend, romantic interest… Cashier.

It’s because this type of individual has the ability to cause a lot of damage, and having experienced it first-hand I am alerted to it. I remain cautious.

There’s so much information and research out there that wasn’t available before, and that is so liberating in so many ways. I am learning how to spot them and how to deal with them. It's definitely worth reading around as the awareness of these various disorders is so much wider reaching than ever before.

I’m pretty sure that my ex was a psychopathic narcissist, and it took me a long, long time to figure out who and what he actually was. I read endless papers and books, watched countless videos. I actually got to the point, in the end, where I was wondering if it was me who was a narcissist!

I was love-bombed excessively in the beginning- for months. He adopted a lot of my mannerisms, and likes, to make me feel close to him. I was royally conned and pathologically lied to. I was heavily manipulated, gaslighted, sexually abused and finally… Betrayed, and discarded.

These types of people can do some serious damage to you, the longer you stay. Believe me when I say that… You will want to stay, or continue to go back to them- because what they do to your brain chemistry is like having an addiction. And the dopamine hit they somehow manage to give you, is so so powerful.

Don’t succumb to despair, and get out whilst you can. Educate yourself. Make the decision. Cut contact. Grey rock, and stay the hell away.

Who knew that dating could be so treacherous?