I Fell in Love
I used to write about how I could never be in love; at the time, I believed it.
See the thing is, love can be finicky, people fall in and out of it all the time. Falling in love can feel like a dream that you never want to wake up from while falling out of it can feel more like a nightmare.
It's said that heartbreak can feel so physically and mentally painful because love causes a chemical reaction in your brain, and when the love is taken away, its as if you’re going through withdrawal. Like a drug addict who quit cold turkey.
For a while, I shied away from the idea of love because in all honesty, who the hell voluntarily opens themselves up to that kind of shit.
I had a twisted sense of love and what I thought it was because of what I was shown my entire life.
It was not until recently that I realized why people do it, you know, fall in love; because the feeling of being in love is so addicting. One taste of it and you’re hooked.
It's as if you put a warm blanket around your heart during the cold winter months, or a Sunday morning spent in bed with the smell of coffee wafting and a book you cant put down.
Love is like skydiving, including the fear, which surprisingly only adds to its appeal.
I fell in love, and for the first time in my life I understood what it was like to love so much it makes your heart jump when you simply say their name, when days without seeing them can feel like years, and missing them can cause physical pain.
I fell in love, so quickly I swear I got whiplash. It came into my life when I least expected it and turned my world upside down in the most magnificent way.
Growing up I was always told that love at first sight didn’t exist, that it could take years to actually fall in love with another person. I fell in love a month in.
You see, love isn’t just about the Instagram posts, how well you get along, the timing, or how great the sex is. I fell in love with the hard times, because they made me cherish the good. I fell in love with the weeks we’d spend apart, because I was blessed to have someone to miss. I fell in love with the loss we experienced together, because it gave me gratitude for what I have in front of me.
Love isn’t about how much you can love someone when things are at their best, it's how much you can love someone when life seems impossible.
When I was a little girl, I had long talks with my mother about how I envisioned my future wedding and my future husband. I wanted a lavender theme and Sound of Music-esque long white dress with a veil. I was also terrified I would never find someone who could love me the way I imagined it.
Well I found someone who loves me, but it is definitely not how I imagined it growing up.
They love me in ways I never thought I would be loved, even in my childish fantasies.
I have never been as truly myself as when I am around them. I have never laughed as hard as I do when they do or say something funny. I have never openly said “I love you, muah” on the phone, in a crowded liquor store, before I met them (and I probably wouldn’t do it for anyone else either).
Getting drunk on their dorm room floor, talking about how they’ll kill me if I throw out their grease container when we are married (For after cooking where you put the grease you can't wash down the sink). Dreaming out loud about where we will travel and where we will buy our first home.
I have never dreamed of my future children with anyone else, how many we will have, what their names and faces will be, the sports they would play and the personalities they will possess. The traits they will take from each of us the good and the bad. I really hope they get my blue eyes.
I fell in love, and I hope that someday, I will get to fall in love with our children.
I hope that someday, my children will get to see the love I have for their father.
I hope that someday, they will get to read this.
Yes, this is all subjective hopefulness and prayer. But I have also never felt so sure about anything else in my life.