I Don’t Know Him

He came to me in a dream. His warm southern drawl comforted me as I floated through the darkness. I don’t know where he’s from, but I could easily guess Georgia or maybe Texas I wasn’t sure. He was just a voice summoning me to him like a siren to the rocks. His face slowly began to materialize as the light broke through my darkness.

I saw summer in his eyes. Green and inviting, willing me to keep moving toward the brightness of the sun behind him. The dreamlike veil started to lift, and I was fully conscious again. my eyelids fluttered open as the sunlight hit my face.

“There she is. Man, you had us worried there for a moment. Are you alright Beck?” The same southern accent I’d heard while unconscious now had a full face.

I felt pain as my head throbbed and I winced once my fingers touched the injury I’d received. I couldn’t recall what caused it or how it had happened. Panic began to set in as I looked up at him again. I didn’t know him, but he held my face in his hand. His thumb intimately brushed against my cheek causing me to jolt from his touch.

“What happened? How did I get here?” I practically demanded while sitting up on my knees. I wore a wetsuit; my hair was damp, and I couldn’t remember why. Concern was written all over his face as he slowly stood while holding out an extended hand to help me up.

I didn’t take it, I was confused. The smell of salt and seawater tickled my nose. He was wearing a wetsuit too, his wavy brown hair slicked back off his forehead, but I had seen it loose and in his face in my dream. I didn’t know him.

Hurt flashed in his eyes at my rejection and for the first time, he took a step back from me. The whooshing sound comes back, causing me to cover my ears to make it go away. “Can you take us back to shore Matt? I don’t think she’s okay.” He calls out to someone at the wheel of the ship.

“You haven’t answered my question.” I pointed out, my voice and body shake at the realization that I had lost a huge block of time in my memory.

“We went deep diving, your tank hit a coral and you started to lose oxygen. I shared with you as much as I could, but we were more than 40 ft down.” He explained while unzipping his wetsuit. “Matt pulled you back up on deck and then you went down like a ton of bricks.”

Why couldn’t I remember? “Are you the diving instructor?” I asked, pulling at the zipper of my suit. My question resulted in a loud boisterous laugh escaping his lips. It caused my stomach to flutter. I didn’t know him, but I liked his laugh.

“Beck come on stop messin’ around you’re starting to worry me.” He pulled a light blue-colored tank top on over his head. “How far are we from the coast Matt?”

Matt’s face appears and recognition clicks instantly. Matt was the owner of the boat; he’d named it Clandestine. He taught me how to sail. Images played rapidly in my mind. Sailboats, islands, white sands, and Mai Tai’s in empty coconut shells. Childhood bike rides and birthday celebrations. Matt was my older brother. His smile matched mine and our hair was the same raven shade as our father’s used to be when he was young.

“45 minutes. There’s ice in the cooler still if you want to make her an ice pack for her head.” Matt gave me a skeptical look before moving towards the wheel of the boat again.

“Matt.” my voice sounded small; I didn’t even recognize it as I began moving towards him. His eyes widened in shock as my body began falling and darkness caught me in its web again.

The soothing southern voice was back. Warm summer eyes and soft brown hair that no longer smelled of salt and sea but like cherry blossom instead. Cherry blossom was my favorite scent of body wash. I felt a weight on my stomach, as I willed my eyes open. We were no longer on the water but in a hospital room. He gripped the white sheets on my bed as his body shook with grief. he is mourning me. I don’t know this man.

I try to speak but my mouth and lips are so dry. The cool flow of oxygen enters my nose and I wonder why he’s stayed here with me. Forcing my finger to twitch, it grazes against his sun-tanned bicep. My touch startles him so badly that he gasps. His eyes bloodshot and damp while taking me in.

Relief washes over his features. I need to speak but nothing comes out. My heart monitor starts to beep rapidly. I thought it was just a bump, I don’t understand why I’m here.

I don’t know what day it is, but someone says 6. I’ve been unconscious for 6 days. I can’t breathe right and the man with the summer eyes and southern drawl is at my side now. He takes my hand and it’s my turn to gasp. I know him.

He is a diving instructor from Austin, Texas. He taught me how to dive, he taught me how to live and to love. He made me a wife and a mother. We have two boys, they’re 4 and 8, they’re beautiful. I don’t want to go back to the darkness, so I try to focus on the framed photo on the wall. It’s a beach house, it’s our house. It was summer when we met on my 19th birthday. Matt gifted me diving lessons and I fell in love. We created 9 years of life together. I don’t want to let it go. I want more, I need more time. I would give anything for just a little more time!

Instead of darkness, I see light now and I see him again. Cyrus, that’s my husband’s name. My heart hurts for him, and even though I’m enveloped in the light I still feel incomplete. I don’t get more time.

I don’t get more time with Cyrus.

Without oxygen, my brain began to shut down under the water. I didn’t remember Cyrus taking off his tank and putting it on me instead. I didn’t remember my head coming to the surface and his not. I didn’t remember him not on the boat with me when I woke up. I didn’t remember Matt telling me Cyrus didn’t come up with me, I didn’t remember losing consciousness from the shock. I didn’t remember feeling pain when my head hit the wooden planks. I only heard a loud whooshing sound in my ears as my vision went blurry and eventually dark. My brain has been foggy, and I can’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.

Matt was the one pulling me out of the water. Matt was the only one taking me to the hospital. Matt was the only one there when I woke up.

“He was there Matt and he was here. I felt him, I woke up and he was there. I’m not crazy!” I shout, feeling my hands tremble as he gives me the most sympathetic look I’ve ever seen displayed on his face.

“That never happened Beck. When you fainted, you hit your head. I wouldn’t lie to you about this. I’m so sorry.” He’s crying now and I feel his hand take mine. It doesn’t feel like Cyrus’ though. “I’m not going to stop looking. I’ll bring him back.”

“He was here when I woke up. They must have taken him to the waiting room, can you please just go look for him? You left him out there maybe another ship found him, and he doesn’t know I’m awake.” The tears are flowing freely from my eyes now, I remember him.

“That was me Beck, not Cyrus. It’s been 2 weeks. He’s not in the waiting room.” Matt is insistent, but I cannot accept the truth or the pain. I beg for the darkness to take me again just so I can hear his voice and see his eyes.

--

Being home with our boys has helped, but my heart still has a vicious open wound. I doubt that it will ever fully heal. Matt changed the name of his boat to Cyrus; His vicious wound may not heal either. He keeps searching, I still don’t accept that the last moments I spent on the boat with Cyrus weren’t real. Somewhere between life and death, we met again before our fates were sealed. A world in-between where two connected souls get to say goodbye, for now.

I will never stop waiting for them to find him. I spend my evenings on our dock watching the ships on the horizon and hoping that one of them is bringing Cyrus back to me. So far none of them have, and common sense tells me none of them will, but that foolish hope doesn’t reside.

To my amazement time doesn’t stop moving, holidays and birthdays come and go in blurs. Life continues even though Cyrus is frozen in time we are not. Our boys grow, they go to high school and college, they find careers and get married, they give us 5 grandkids. I meet someone again, he makes me smile, the vicious wound never heals, and the pain never leaves I just learn to live and accept it. I watch the ships on the horizon from the dock, I wait and hope.

Time feels like it’s moving faster each year, and I start to forget things. I lose track of time, I have black spots in my memory, and I’m afraid. I’m tired of the worried faces and the whispered conversations that take place. I do not want to leave our home. It takes me longer to get to my chair on the dock, but I make it eventually. The gentle night breeze is refreshing as I rest my head and watch the lights from a ship in the distance as I doze off.

He came to me in a dream again. His warm southern drawl comforts me as I float through the darkness. I know where he’s from this time. He is just a voice summoning me to him like a siren to the rocks. His face slowly begins to materialize as the light breaks through my darkness.

“Beck.” He breaths my name, his green eyes brighter than I ever could have remembered. He smells like salt and a sea breeze; I know this man.

“I was waiting for them to find you and bring you home. I must have fallen asleep.” I admit, finally feeling the open wound in my heart begin to heal and scar.

He extends his hand to me to help me out of my chair. I take it without hesitation. I don’t feel any more pain and my lost memories have all been restored. My face is in his hand, we look at each other while his thumb intimately brushes against my face, and I lean into it this time. “You were waiting for who to bring me home?”

“The ships on the horizon,” I confess as I feel his arms wrap around my waist.

“It took a while, but they did. It’s time for me to take you home now Beck.” We move with ease to the awaiting ship, Matt waves at me from the wheel as Cyrus helps me on deck. The house gets further and further away as the stars get closer. I know this man, I love this man, and I knew the ships on the horizon would return him to me.