I Don't Have Any Answers Either

There's this notion that there are rules of dating or do's and don't's. I'm firmly in the camp of everything is individualistic, and nothing is a one size fits all thing.

That being said, we live in a time where you can swipe all day, everyday to find your next partner, sexually or relationship-wise. At some point, it becomes like a toxic waste.

I've been accused of being a serial dater. I've only truly wanted to commit fully to two people. One ended because of religion. The other never even really began.

The question I constantly ask myself is are we doing a disservice to relationships by online dating? Further, are we doing a disservice to each other by utilizing technology for something really personal, such as finding a partner?

Most of online dating is superficial, sure. And there are success stories. Otherwise, why would so many people do it? But, as someone who has dated in the real world and online, the same tenants exist. People cease to be people. Genuine connections are hard to find in the world. It becomes even harder online because we are so stuck in our options, we aren't willing to give each other a chance.

There are so many tropes, like you'll find it when you stop looking. Or you got a date a few frogs to get your prince. At the end of the day, though, we are guilty of ceasing to see each other for the complex humans we are. We are transactionally dating. It's not a word. I realize that.

I'm a former social worker. I can't say I 100 percent understand people. If I did, I'd be a zillionaire. But, we are dating in 2018 as if people are interchangeable and our options are so vast. There are six billion+ people in the world. There are significantly less in our metro areas or rural areas. However, our next big thing issue is that the next big thing isn't perfect either.

That old trope, life is messy. Intimacy means that all your flaws start to show. That you must be vulnerable to someday get a payoff. That you have arguments that call into question your relationship, maybe even your perception of self.

And relationship experts are selling themselves as if they have the cure. What should cure us is realistically treating each other as if they matter. Looking at one option at a time and seeing what fits with us. I'm guilty too of this. I'm guilty of looking around for the next big thing. However, the people you commit to are the people who are worthy of your time.

Lukewarm feelings aren't enough to maintain anything. I would never harp on someone for casual sex or casual relationships, yet casual dating has allowed us to see each other as objects and create what amounts to personal transactions.

Everything in dating is personal. It shouldn't necessarily be taken personally, but it's a personal choice. As I get older, I find that none of us are experts on anyone but ourselves. Relationship experts seek to create motivation and inspiration into a greater you and your partner. And that's great. Don't fault them for that. But if one would look inside themselves to see what they want and not cede to the idea of a relationship set out to you by some relationship expert.

We sit in judgment of each other, constantly. Social media has allowed us to do to this to others and their relationships. At the end of the day, we aren't really providing an answer.

So, let's all decide that we care about each other enough to treat each other with care. I will too.