I Did It Again

I'm back to this.

For one, I'm back to writing on this website. I imagine in my arrogant fantasy that there's a person on this website that pored through all the things I've written and is absolutely ECSTATIC (double underlined) that I have written something new. Occasionally over the past few months, or however long it's been since I last did anything on here, I would recall that I had gone through a phase of borderline-drunkenly writing articles about my own issues. And that, in theory, I would be making money doing such things. Well, tonight is the night I decided to finally dive back in and see how my gems are doing in raking in the dough for me. All 11 of you (average readers for my shit) reading this, you will be happy to hear I have made a WHOPPING 21 cents on this website. It's all thanks to you! I appreciate it! Maybe if I write 500 more articles I'll be able to buy a candy bar. Ah, I don't want to get too wrapped up in dreams of fortune.

Anyway, on to my deeper predicament: I am back to having FEELINGS. Not back to my old self from before I got dumped (you can read about THAT in my previous writings (ching ching)), but I'm not as bad as I was. I'm happier most of the time, and I feel better about the future again. Rather than having an asininely bright and ambitious dream for my life, I look forward to seeing how things build up and implode around me, and hope to have fun in the process. I want to have a George Carlin outlook, if I can manage.

Also, and here's the big one... drum roll... I *met* someone. A very SPECIAL someone. That I am now dating. And love. Again. I did it again! Just like I said I wouldn't. Damn me. I have no willpower. How am I supposed to be a hermit if I get so damn lonely all the time?

Here's the thing about this time around: it's good. Like, GOOD good. Like, we have never really had a disagreement because we get along so well. That sort of good. Not to say we agree about everything. But there's never really been anything to fight about. I don't feel anxious and ill at ease all the time. I'm not really waiting for doomsday. Or the day he's going to tell me he never wants to talk to me again. But that creates a whole new problem: I am happy.

I'm happier in this relationship more than I ever was in my last one. On some level, I knew the last one was bad for me. And it was STILL so devastating that I wanted to go hide in a cave for the foreseeable future. THAT being said, what's gonna happen to me when this one ends? How sad am I going to be then? How am I gonna get up when this dream-like, wonderful reality becomes pictures hanging on the walls of my head and memories are playing over and over again like movies I can't stop watching? Are they going to be layered on top of the old ones I already watched too many times, or will that old relationship be forgotten? Will his eyes and smile be a permanent fixture in all of my nightmares when I can no longer see them in person? When they're only a dream? A still moment in time that's gone?

Will all these sweet, calming little moments together be completely blown out of proportion into all-encompassing, never retrievable events that skewed the whole path of my life? How will I drive around, seeing memories everywhere? I had to avoid a whole section of town because of the memories last time. Where will I go? Will his name ring out every time my heart beats, like his did? Will I see it when I close my eyes? Like before?

Not to say I see this ending. I'm just so scared. I get so scared. Once bitten, twice shy. I'm stuck in a loop of being alone and missing someone, and being with someone and dreading having to be alone again. I don't even really know what to do about it. I guess just hold on and enjoy things as they come and go.

'Cause I'll still own up to reminiscing about my past relationship. My old love. My first love. When everything was so new, when I was so happy and relieved and excited. About everything in the world, everything I had, everything that was destined to come next. The first three weeks of that relationship were probably the most alive I've ever felt. Not that I miss that. Or want it back. But it was beautiful to live. Beautiful to have had, and still have. And it hurt. It really hurt to lose my whole world. My whole future. Gone in a split second. I don't want to feel that again.

I also don't want to live my whole life with one foot out the door out of fear of getting hurt again. That's no way to live it, now is it? So I'll have to keep going then. Either find a balance or just throw myself all the way in. I'm not sure yet.

But I do know I'm happy right now, and that's all I really need to know, I think. I have all I need: love.