I Did Everything He Wanted for Nearly 3 Years

On April 4, 2018 I came face-to-face with a Greek god of a man whom I was certain would be a permanent fixture in my life. Upon making eye-contact, it was as if his gaze permeated my being and grasped my inner slut by her very delicate throat; a dark thing that secret parts of me enjoy immensely. I wasn't sure how to feel or what to say. My hands grew clammy and the grin on my face was undeniable. Being in his presence alone rendered me a babbling fool. The emotion was buy and large too complex to describe but in my mind, it was love at first sight.

Against my better judgment—and thanks to a ton of encouragement from some mutual friends—I submitted emotionally to him almost immediately; and he satiated my need for Dominance unlike anyone else I'd previously known simply by existing. To feel the warm breeze from his body as he walked by to grab coffee; the intoxicating aroma of his cologne choice for the day; his dark half-closed almond-shaped eyes focusing on his laptop while he worked; these are just a few things that fed me without my permission or conscious awareness. I was being drawn in.. fast!

A year later, after some moving around, fate brought us to the same city yet again. He had, since, separated from his fiancé and we had cultivated a truly profound bond with one another via the phone. One that felt both alien and natural to me all at the same time. My feelings for him had grown leaps and bounds although all of our interactions over the past twelve months and up to this point were over the phone while he was away. He helped me to take control of my health, improve my wardrobe, and even learn some useful skills which have enriched my life and, by translation, would enrich his as well should he decide to take things to the next level. I felt like a new woman and I blessed him for it by drawing nearer to him.

Before long, circumstances in my life had caused me to move and, lucky enough for me, the job I secured was in the same city he had moved to. I couldn't be more excited! Not only would I land my dream job, but I'd finally get to see him again, be near him again, and experience what being in his arms is like for the first time. I was eager for it and without hesitation, on November 15, 2019 at a quarter after midnight, my dog and I got on the road and headed due North.

That evening, at around 7pm, I arrived in my new city. I could hardly wait to be with him and it was apparent to me that he was eager to see me as well. He text me and asked me to come over that night, and I obliged him. It was difficult to wrap my head around. I was here. I would finally, after almost two years, be physical with the man I wasn't afraid to admit I had fallen in love with. I hurried over to his home and was more than satisfied by the activities of that evening. It's as if someone had hooked me up to a defibrillator. I had come alive in ways I wasn't aware existed within me.. and a little more, I drew nearer to him emotionally.

For the next six months, we would meet in this way. I would fulfill his Dominant desires and cravings while he satiated my desire for his unique type of Dominance and I would drive home in high spirits, drawing nearer still to him. It was at this point, however, that I'd begun to acknowledge a budding desire within myself to be with him more often. While I enjoy very much the way we meet once every seven to ten days or so, I had begun to desire a more frequent rendezvous. I expressed this to him and since this wasn't in alignment with the arrangement we agreed upon, he ghosted me for thirty days, as was customary for my stepping out of line.

Once the time had elapsed, he reached back out to me asking if I had thought about my position in his life, what he required from me, and if I was capable of performing solely within those parameters. He was crystal clear that he enjoyed the way we were and that is how he wanted it to remain. I knew I could do it but I had developed some very powerful emotions for him and I presumed he shared them since the energy when we were together was so potent it could quite possibly ignite the entire room if we weren't careful. But his happiness mattered more to me than anything else. And if this made him happy, then I was willing to do it for him as best I could rather than be released from his life. I consented. And, so, we continued.

Another six months had transpired and, surprise surprise, my already deep and broad feelings for him had quadrupled in strength. Why? Well, 94% of all communication is nonverbal and when he and I are together in the way we enjoy, we talk up a storm with our energy. Very rarely do either of us speak verbally and, if we do, it's usually just "dirty talk". This was taking me over the edge. I needed to be more exclusive with him. It got to a point where I couldn't bear to be away from him. I needed him.

I wanted to be more to him. The journey had been so fulfilling to me in many ways but I found myself desiring more as I grew in these emotions for him. For instance, when we're finished with our "session" it's customary for me to clean myself off and then go home. Of course that sounds crazy to many folk but, hey, it worked for us and as long as that was the case, no one could convince me it was wrong. I loved the irreverence of it. I liked that there were no strings.. until I began desiring those strings.

You see, for a while I was completely okay with engaging in sexual relations minus the -ship part. For many years I'd lived my life in that way because it was how I got what I wanted, the other person got what they wanted, and we only speak when we meet again. This became the norm between he and I. But never before had I felt, with anyone else, what I feel when I'm being sexual with him. Before, I was able to separate my emotions from the physical. But, with him.. things were becoming different. He had my mind, which made it easier said than done to not become attached.

With only five more months until our three year anniversary, so-to-speak, my desire for that -ship part had begun to wail from deep inside of me. And, so—knowing what a risk it was because of how quickly he released me back in May for the same thing—I took the chance and expressed to him my desire for 'more' once again, understanding that I could very well lose him forever but also accepting that if I do lose him then it wasn't meant to be anyway and I'd have to find a way to be OK with that.

From my perspective, I didn't want much. I wanted us to meet more frequently, I wanted him to speak to me and hang out with me outside the bedroom. I desired to know him on a more platonic basis; his happiest childhood moment, how he spends his Saturdays, what his daughter's first words were. These desires just kept flooding me until I began dreaming of being with him and his daughter as if we were a family already. I had become obsessed with being with him and I wasn't sure there was time or room for me to turn back before I crashed and burned.

Of course, when I expressed these feelings to him once again, he was not very happy since we had this same conversation only six months prior and I had agreed to perform for him only within the parameters that he had set. The truth was I thought I could do it. I would rather have been his in that way than not be his at all. But what I came to learn is that I am too far gone. My emotions for him are too complex and they continue to multiply. He has my mind. He has my soul. How can I devolve from that? Why would I want to?

Needless to say, he called me over that night—November 28, 2020—and we had the most explosive session to date. Sparing you the gory (but oh so satisfying) details, I drove home after nearly two hours at his home with tears streaming down my face. Not because he had hurt me but because I knew what just happened was the extent of his desire and that what I wanted would probably never come to fruition.. and it hurt. I allowed it to hurt. I permitted myself to cry about it and talk about it to my close friends who would listen. Deep down, I suffered for him and wished he wanted the same thing as me.

November 29th. That's the day it happened. The very next day at around 7pm, his message came. It was clear and it was brief. He saw the pain in my eyes for wanting more the night before and he knew he was not in a position to fulfill that desire. So, he released me for the second time and severed contact. He's completely fine with the way things are, but not if it caused me pain and hearing him say that gave me the slightest bit of comfort.

But I begged. I sent long, thought-out messages explaining my position and essentially imploring him to reconsider. My messages went unanswered and I sank into a hole and folded my legs to my chest in an attempt to hold myself together.

My world nearly crumbled. I was ever so grateful, though, that I'd learned how to anchor my emotions within myself and never to permit them to hinge on the actions of others, regardless of how deep they may flow. So, while it did hurt (because I'm still human) I was able to be objective about it eventually and ultimately accept that this is what he wants. I set my mind to being optimistic and continuing to improve myself so that when the right man for me comes along, he can see that I am ready to be a wife and a mother just like he's ready to be a husband and father.

I missed him, though. I thought about him at least once a day. I drove past his street and regularly had daydreams which included him. But, as the days went on, it got a bit easier to go on without him. The chaos in our country and my video games also made it easier to get distracted from these obsessive thoughts of him. I kept wondering what I had done wrong, though. What was it about me that, after all this time, he won't even consider being more exclusive with me? What did his ex-fiancé do or say; what skills or personality traits did she possess that made him want to marry her and be with her forever.. but not me?

I nearly drove myself insane with questions I'd never get answers to and there was this nagging hope that he'd reach back out to me just as he had six months prior. Why? Because I believed he loved me. He had explained once how he shows his love.. and I believed him because I know we all give and receive love differently. Once I understood how he expresses his love for me, I fell even deeper. I believed his love would bring him back to me.

As if right on queue—January 4, 2021—his ringtone ejected me from my worn down spot on the sofa and I nearly dropped my phone as I fumbled to pick it up.

Thank you

That was the extent of the message. At first glance, I thought he was losing his mind. Why would he thank me? And then I began to think about the last thing I'd said to him before I deleted our message thread from my phone. Ah, I wished him a Merry Christmas and gave him my well wishes.

My excitement was at a fever pitch. I didn't want to respond right away. I wanted to give it some time and see what would happen. The next day, however, I felt the urge to respond. And, so, I did:

You're welcome

This began our most recent correspondence. We discussed what he wants and what I want over and over until we both realized they are too different and neither one of us was budging from our stance. For the first time, I had seen what my love for him had been blinding me to. And after speaking to a male friend who is also familiar with the type of alternative lifestyle we live, I came to the realization that all of this was purely physical for him. He had developed no deeper feelings for me in this whole process. He was getting what he needed and, initially, so was I. But things changed for me because I allowed myself to fall in love with him while he was able to keep the two very separate somehow.. and that realization, of course, hurt like hell!

I allowed myself no more than a day to accept the truth after acknowledging within myself what I want and being solid in my decision to no longer compromise on it. If he is not on the same page with me and he does not want anything close to a relationship with me after all this time, after all we've experienced together, after all I've done to demonstrate my loyalty and love for him, then we must go our separate ways. And that is what I told him.

As respectfully as I could, I let him know he was very clear about what he wanted from the very beginning and it was me who allowed myself to catch feelings while he didn't. I admitted I would have to accept the reality that I will not have what I want with him and that he himself predicted he would not be the end of my journey.. he was right. Here we are, on two different pages, and at an impasse. I made him aware that I hope he finds what he desires because he is worthy of having it. He's a wonderful man (which is why I wanted him so badly) but perhaps he's just not my man. I'm OK with that now.. okay, maybe not. But eventually I will be. You can be sure of that much.

I still wonder how, after so much time, so much energy, and so much great sex he could still only want one part of me and never stopped to even consider me as anything else in his life. It actually almost hurt because I wondered what was wrong with me. Why do the men I connect with only see a sexual object when they look at me but if I try to love them and commit to them, they scatter like roaches? I don't understand it.. but maybe I'm not supposed to. I'm cool with accepting it for what it is because it's not me who isn't on my level.. it's him.

So, I will take what he's taught me, what he's awakened me to, what he's helped me to feel over the course of our escapades and I will be more aware, more open, and more ready for a man who is also ready to appreciate and love all of who I am.. not just the slutty little deviant. It may not happen today or tomorrow or even next week. Hell, this guy may even make one last reappearance. But one thing for sure is that this situation has made me wiser, stronger, and better. I will not make the same mistake a third time. My intuition will guide me to the path that is best for what I desire and I will have what I want one way or another. That, I'd bet my life on.