I couldn't be a vampire

Okay, fuck it, hear me out here.

I'm nocturnal. The perks of having a video game addiction and working a job where hours are all over the place, but mainly skewed towards the evening. As much of a night owl as I can be - and hell, I've pushed the barriers of messing with circadian rhythms further than I would have liked over time - I couldn't be a vampire. A night bat if you will.

It's sort of a given, seeing as vampires aren't exactly real, and legends span from the likes of Vlad the Impaler to Elizabeth Báthory - that lady who did a Cleopatra but in the blood of virgins - but honestly if they were real...I don't think the vampire life is for me.

Sure, the perks have been considered. How could they not be? I grew up with Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Vampires and Joss Whedon seemed cool to my adolescent self. Not so much any more.

That's not to say there's not much to love about vampires. Joss Whedon, eh, but vampires...There's an argument there. The fashions are king. Though in hindsight it's usually the older vampires that have that luxury. Time and money, I suppose. Much like that of ghosts, you don't really see vampires portrayed as their modern counterparts that much. Outside of nice suits or waaay too much leather...But that's not the kind of vampire I would aspire to be any way.

Dark. Gothic. Longcoats. Rebellious.

Spike. Spike from Buffy. I guess I just wanted to be Spike from Buffy when I was younger.

Now...Nah. I'm not huge into Twilight slander (though watching the movies are honestly hilarious and I still revel in remembering random details and quotes while taking an honest interest in the lore through questions to my girlfriend), but there are some things in that portrayal that certainly got me thinking about why exactly not to be a vampire.

As much as I spend time inside playing games, watching movies, writing...I do like going out in the world and exploring. Doing that while hiding in shadow of moonlight isn't always how I'd like to see the world. I'm pretty sure sparkling vampires aren't the reality. I'll take the impossibility of changing form into a bat before shining bright like a diamond in the sun.

With Factor 90,000,000 sunscreen probably not anywhere in the near future, I'd rather not be given eternal life and only be able to enjoy half of that time. On that thought...

Fuck eternal life, man. Unless I can turn into a vampire and then turn my entire crew into cursed vampires as well for eternal bants, fuck that. I am afraid of death but not as much as I am having to watch everyone else die around me. I can't do this all on my own. I'm no Superman. I don't want to stay this perfect specimen of a 30-year-old forever and not be able to flaunt it to the bullies from high school because they've all fucked off and died. Nah.

Not that I was bullied in high school, mind you. A godsend. I'm surprised I survived with my not-white ass being all nerdy and into improv/sketch comedy with emo vampire theatrics on the side.

Being over double the age I was in that time now yet again offers perspective. Vampires are not that cool and Joss Whedon is not that good to women. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was integral to my development but I'm glad I'm not stunted into wanting to be a part of that world created by a witty yet shitty person.

All of your faves really did turn out to be problematic but at least you can take heed. Vampires well and truly suck. If they were real at least.

I couldn't be a vampire because whatever chances it may give to me in life, still takes away just enough from me that I wouldn't want to do it. An unrealistic perception of vampiric fashion taste. No sunlight. People dying. That unquenchable thirst for apple juice now replaced by the want of blood.

The only way I could even consider being a vampire these days was if I got to roll with the ones out of What We Do In The Shadows. New Zealanders just know how to make anything shitty on paper worthwhile.

Just look at them Thor movies.