I Am (Not) An Imposter

During the height of COVID, the game “Among Us” was a favorite game for my students. On the occasion that we all just needed a break, I would play with them. This game involved one player being designated as the “imposter,” charged with subtly murdering the others in the game while avoiding detection by the other players.

In recent years, I’ve increasingly found myself in situations where I’ve felt like an imposter - the dreaded “imposter syndrome.”

The place where I feel it the most is in my writing. My confidence in my writing goes in cycles. Some days, I feel like I’m the best writer in the world. I’ll read back something I’ve written and I’ll feel proud of what I’ve done, marveling in my characters and the writing style and reflecting on the growth that is present from project to project.

And then there are other days. Days when I get feedback from beta readers who point out a myriad of flaws and needed improvements, emphasizing the areas of my skills that are still lacking. Days when I wonder if writing is even worth it, if I should even try to get my work published.

I’m blessed to be surrounded by people who help to combat the imposter syndrome, reminding me of my skills and my determination and my ability to learn and grow from feedback. People who listen patiently to me when I’m crying and frustrated, then offer support and encouragement.

This has never been more evident than it has in the past couple of weeks. I’m working on a project for a friend, something education adjacent but not my area of practice in the classroom. I went into the process feeling confident, but was quickly knocked down by setbacks as I got feedback from this friend.

There really is something about stepping out of your comfort zone that really leaves you feeling vulnerable. I’ve known that it would be a challenge, but the level of this challenge has staggered me. I’ve found myself doubting everything I do or say related to this project, breaking down into tears when I realize that there is so much to fix. I get mad thinking that I should have been able to do this on my own without lots of correction and support, even though the logical part of my brain knew that it made sense for me to need that support since it was something new.

I guess that's the root of imposter syndrome; logically, you know that you can do whatever it is, or that you belong in these spaces. But something in your mind is nagging, telling you that you're not good enough, that you should retreat to your safe spaces and just do what you know you're good at.

But that is what can keep you from growing.

If I think about it, really think, I'm reminded that I'm not doing any of this alone. I brag about my support system all of the time, and it holds true here. My bestie is my sounding board for life, and not a three-hour conversation goes by without her dropping some words of encouragement. My friend who is helping me with this project has extended himself to help me and give me tips and tricks for how to be successful. My friends constantly reaffirm their belief in me. And of course, my boyfriend is present for all of the tears and the doubts and the fears, letting me release my emotions but also reminding me of how talented and determined I am, and that I'm going to accomplish whatever I put my mind to.

That's the difference between me and the imposter in "Among Us." Suspicions run high from the other players in the game, trying to figure out who the imposter is as they run around pretending to do tasks when really all that they are is a killer. But the other players in my life are nothing but supportive, reminding me of what I can do.

So no. I am not an imposter.