I Am A Lost Soul

I can sit here and say I am ok but that would be a lie. Throughout my life I feel like I have been on a search. I have been searching for myself, a person who may never truly exist because people do not want to learn the real you they want a part of you. The truth is I don’t even know me. Like most people as you get older you change whether it is for good or bad. I feel as if I never grew, I feel stuck most days.

I don’t know if it’s me but I do not think I have ever experienced true happiness. I am always thinking about the next thrill. It's like I forget to live in the moment because I am caught on the adrenaline rush of the next adventure. My whole life has been like a movie that does not seem to end. In most movies the endings at least have some sort of happiness but my movie just keeps going in a cycle that won’t stop. I guess this can be that I am a black trinidadian from Brooklyn. I am too Trini to be American and too American to be Trini so I just never found that place to call home. Shit it feels like my identity crisis stems from never having a true home.

When I think about when I last felt safe all I can imagine is sleeping next to my grandmother holding her silk dress sucking my thumb. I can smell the cigarette smell on my grandmother's breath as she inhales each puff and it blows in my face. I was seven years old at the time and I felt safe with my grandma. She made my days bearable. Imagine being so young hating yourself. Imagine having such hatred and not knowing where it came from. It seems like that little girl never left; she is still here scared. She is scared to take a breath and breathe and she is scared to fail. That little is here she is scared to think because those thoughts would come back.

That little I described grew up to be an angry individual. Most days I am screaming inside to let me out. I want to blow up, I want to cry, I want it all to be let go but I can’t. I am an adult and I have to suck it up and accept life. I have to accept the fact that I allowed myself to seek love in broken people like myself. I am so stupid for love that I forget to look at the closets to ensure that the baggages are not to much. Here I sit in a shitty situation stuck. I can’t get out. I am stuck. I thought this one would be different but it is just like the rest. I may be broken forever and no one would ever be able to fix it because I am unfixable. I am stone it's so hard that if you hit me hard enough I'll just stay and continue to take it.

While writing this all I think about is this is the closest I would get to blowing up because as a black young woman I am not allowed to show anger. Society already has the stigma of the angry black woman. So I will just write. I wish I can steal your happiness because it seems to have been taken away from me. All my laughs have a tear behind them. Is it life worth this struggle of never finding happiness and feeling this loss? Each morning feels like a job waking up. I am angry when I am up I rather sleep my pain away. When I’m up I face the reality that I hate looking at myself. I look in the mirror and all I see is a lost soul no beauty in or out. Will anyone even miss me?