Hurt, but Not Broken

I honestly don't really know how to start this one. We all have that person in our lives that you trust more than anything that you never even question the possibility of them not being there. You always work things out, no matter what your differences and circumstances they'd still stand with you well, I had a person like that, my childhood friend for the past fourteen years. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this happening even with my many years of breaking down at the mere thought of her leaving I knew she would someday. Even when we first met, she was a free spirit, a bird always ready to fly, flies with current, and never looks back. She was my version of a perfect person and that was where I made my first of many mistakes.

We met shortly after moving back to New York from New Jersey and I had to start making friends all over again which is always such a fun time. I met her in our elective choir class and needless to say, it was probably a very odd and uncomfortable encounter for her even remembering it I feel second-hand embarrassment. Being nine and having little to zero social skills I didn't know what to do but all I knew was that I wanted to talk to her and I didn't know why so I sat next to her, but once I did my brain stopped working. I ended up being unknowingly creepy because while I was contemplating what to say her, I was staring for way too long and like any person would she got up and moved to another seat. However, I was determined and followed her which is worse but this time I managed to get a couple of words out, I don't know what I said but we somehow managed a conversation. Being an awkward kid had its pros, and definitely has its cons.

After calling her the nickname of my best friend from Jersey and a couple more I would assume to be awkward conversations I found out that she was my next-door neighbor. Really thinking back on it, the very foundation of our friendship probably stemmed from pity on her part but I wouldn't know I never asked her. Months went by and seeing each other every day was just the norm and our friendship was just a thing that happened that I honestly miss when life felt that easy. She had what I lacked and that's probably what drew her to me in the first place and I subconsciously tried to emulate that which isn't a bad thing, but it definitely can become something like an unhealthy obsession if your self-esteem is low enough.

Sadly, mine was and stayed that way for many years and it only got worse and she did actually attempt to separate herself from me before. I don't remember if this was during or sometime after high school but it was for those very issues I stated on top of the judgemental personality I had then as well. I had a lot of nasty habits that always came up when I was around her constantly comparing myself to her, feeling inadequate and worst part of it all was that I always verbalized that to her. That's not how a friend should be, my admiration turned into jealousy and I didn't know how to fix it. My perception of what is self-worth was heavily distorted and was solely dependent on her. Once, she wanted to let me go I really began to try and change my thought patterns, soon after this happened I started to feel intimidated by her. She began to tower over me in a way where I felt like I would be squashed if I didn't watch myself. But, I still loved her way too much to lose her but I think even that was maybe a bit misplaced. I'm more self-aware of myself than most would think and that's what made me so pathetic.

My energy in all honesty was toxic and draining not just to myself but for my friend who I treated as something greater than what she was, human. Of course, like any other, our relationship wasn't one-sided and she'd done plenty that hurt me too. She was the type of person who makes her expectations and expects you to follow through, she won't rush you but that in its own right is a lot of pressure for some, myself included. I always had that on my shoulders while trying to manage my mental health and unfortunately, made me break down, a lot. I always felt like I'd never match or reach her expectations, and it suffocated me. Whenever I felt like I made progress on changing my compulsive behavior of comparisons and thinking of myself negatively around her I somehow, always, ended up slipping up and she'd push back to the starting line. It was a constant unresolved problem between us that we both eventually got drained by but in a way it helped me realize that this situation doesn't require forgiveness, on either side.

There are many things that I wish we handled better but it doesn't matter anymore, we both still have a lot to learn. I'm just happy there was no bad blood or hate with this split. Just two friends who grew tired of each other's bad habits, that's all it was.