How We Fall In Love

I have read, thought and written much on the subject of love over many years and in all that time there was always a nagging question prodding me from the back of my mind, how can you love somebody you don't even fully know. And even if you do fully know somebody, you only think you do.

We all keep things back from our other half, hidden in the deeper recesses of our minds. In fact, there are quite often things we do not even know ourselves about what sort of person we really are. In addition, over time people change with new experiences, new information, new learning, and of course new feelings. Where does that exactly leave the other person?

Every day I tell my wife I love her. Actually, I can only love what I know about her. And what I know about her is what she chooses to tell me or show me. And even then, that is not the full story. What I love is my perception of her, a perception informed by what she reveals, but still my perception.

What we love is not the person we profess to love, it is the person we perceive them to be, physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. In other words, we are in love with something of our own creation, our own interpretation of who and what that other person is.

In time, as we get to know that other person more and more, so our perception can change according to the extra information we are now discovering and processing in our own mind. Perhaps, in an indirect and subversive way, we are actually in love with ourselves.

We also have to take into account how we too change as our lives progress along the path of personal development and growth. That too will inform our view of people. Two people who are in a constant state of flux through which they may come closer together of drift further apart. I think a mutual drifting apart is a whole lot less problematic than just one wanting to separate.

The problem is when we invest too much of how we see ourselves in another person's perception of us. In a way, we become emotionally dependant and a virtual prisoner of the perceptions of another. In this way we are giving far too much power over us to another person. That is a very risky thing to do.

Yes our giving over of all of our power to another may well be appreciated, respected and reciprocated, and if that is the case then all is well and good. However, if the other person sees our placing of trust in them as an opportunity to advance their own selfish ambitions and desires, at a great personal cost to the other, then at any given time the sparks will fly.

Of course, I speak from personal experience. My first ex wife was initially a stay at home mum whilst I went out to work.I earned an excellent salary which allowed us to buy a beautiful house and two cars, holidays abroad and even to have a live in nanny. During all of that time as the only wage earner not once did I abuse my position. It was symbiotic relationship that worked very well indeed.

That all changed when my wife took to constantly complaining about what a good life I had in comparison to her. In her minds eye, I was free to have contact with other adults in the form of my work colleagues whilst she felt trapped, tied to satisfying the needs of three young children. And so a change was agreed whereby I would arrange to work from home and take over the household chores and child upbringing. Meanwhile my wife got a job and went out to work nine to five, five days a week. You can almost guess what came next huh.

My wife started to complain that I had it good compared to her. I could take a coffee break anytime I felt like it, go out for a walk if I wanted.....In her view I was free to live as I liked and she was trapped in a job which demanded all her daytime attention. I guess there is no pleasing some people. The grass is always greener on the other side. But that was very far from the worst outcome.

The worst of it all was that although I was still managing to do some work from home, it was not the same as before. I was earning a lot less and my wife infinitely more. The balance of economic power had shifted. To make matters worse my wife got a handsome inheritance from her grandmother's estate and chose to keep that a secret. I only found out about the five figure sum by overhearing a comment by her best friend.

"Does he know about the money?"

"No."

"Good, keep it that way. That's your security money for when you separate."

I was quite shocked to hear this news since in all our years together I had never held a single penny back for myself, it all went into a joint bank account.The idea of holding back contingency money just for me never once entered my mind. I guess I had just never planned for my marriage failing. I thought we would be together forever.

In fact, what that money did to my wife, along with the full time salary she was now receiving, was empower her to lord it over me. When I think about it, the change was really quite un-nerving really. In the mornings my wife would now brief me like she was giving instructions to a paid employee, a baby sitter if you like.

"Right, before I go, I'm going to give you your directives for the day." she would say in a very hoity-toity way.

To make matters worse I discovered in a very painful way that she was having multiple affairs. This was where giving up my economic power by agreeing to the change, plus that inheritance my wife got, had lead me to. Here was somebody who most certainly DID abuse the power she had taken from me. It was not for us, me, her and the children, it was her to live the high life on the side whilst this fool held the fort back at home.

As for love? Well it was perfectly clear that her perception of me had changed quite dramatically. having said that, once she had revealed her new, true self my perception of her also changed for the worst.

For many years afterward I tortured myself for not having seen how she really was all along, or due to a change in circumstances, for having been misled by my own perceptions. Any love I had had for the woman very quickly died and was replaced by a very ugly sense and feeling of hatred, which I am happy to report have long since disappeared into nothingness. I still have no contact with her, but that's due to her still being a pathological liar who I would not trust to tell me the correct time of day.

I am now on my third marriage and hopefully it will be my last. I'm getting too old to deal with all that unfaithful, infidelity shit, whatever the reason. I am also far more realistic in my expectations. If my present wife one day sees me differently and doesn't love me anymore, I'm fine with that. I will simply go on with the journey of my life for as long as I physically can. As for love, enjoy it whilst you feel it within yourself and from your partner. Long live love.