How To Tell Your Husband Things Need To Change (How To Express Your Feelings To Your Husband)

Lately, I've been coaching a lot of couples and noticing some of the nasty communication habits people often fall into. To help you talk to your partner (or really anyone else) in a better way, here are some things to keep in mind.

1) Ask for what you want. Even though we're usually more aware of what we don't want, talking about what we do want is way more positive and much more likely to get a better response. So, instead of saying, "I don't want you to shout at me," say, "Will you talk to me in a quiet and calm voice?"

2) Be specific. We are all guilty of saying generalities, but really, they cause tremendous confusion because what you mean by a general statement like 'being considerate' may be entirely different than what someone else may mean. If you're staring at the side of a pencil, it's going to look long and narrow, but if you move 45 degrees so you're staring at the lead end, it will look like a pinpoint. Perspective is everything. Being specific goes a long way to solve issues of perspective. People can argue forever about what being considerate is, but no can argue with a specific request like, "Could you clear the table and do the dishes every night without me asking?" That's way more likely to get you what you want than, "Could you help with clean up?"

3) Talk only about the present. It's SO tempting I know, but really, leave the past behind. Even if your friend, partner, boss has not asked your opinion about something important on the last 5 occasions, still don't mention it. "Would you like to hear my perspective now?" is an arrow pointing at the bull's eye of now.

4) Ask for clarity. Don't be afraid to ask for more details. For example, if someone says, "Do you want to go running together?", wouldn't it be wise to find out how far, how fast and when before you give any indication as to whether you'd like to do this?

5) Expect differences. People are always telling me how awful it is that they differ so much with their partner. But to me, differences are to be expected. After all, each of us is unique and sees things in our own inimitable way. And why not? To me, the problem isn't the number of conflicts or severity of them, it's how respectful we are in honouring them.

If we can truly respect what's right for someone else, even if it's the opposite of what's right for us, we can create a win-win. Then the problem's solved. Most of the difficulties that occur around differences is one person trying to convince the other to see things their way or to do it their way. But why should they?

I remember taking a course in University on Family Conflict. The professor told us something that shocked me. He said that healthy families have LOTS of conflict and that it's the unhealthy families that don't. The unhealthy ones (like the family I came from) never argued because they weren't strong enough to handle it. I can now see the truth in this.

6) Avoid 'right' or 'wrong. Really, there is no right or wrong, only one person's perspective versus another person's perspective. Using phrases like, "From my point of view," will help you remember that. Or asking the other person for their point of view will also support this idea of perspective and each person's right to have a different one.

7) Recognize triggers from the past. It's all well and good to have preferences, but if you find yourself having a great deal of intensity about something, it's probably a trigger from some unresolved thing in the past. Susan, for example became incensed when her husband wouldn't make time to help her with something. Sure, anyone would want their partner's help and not be pleased if they didn't get it, but her strong reaction cued her that she had unresolved feelings from her past. (Her dad never helped her with things when she was young.) Once she recognized this, she was able to negotiate her need for help from her husband in a more charge neutral way.

There are many others I could mention, but these communication tips will make your interactions with your partner clearer and cleaner. Try them out.

Avoiding Divorce and Save Your Marriage

Few things can top the emotional effects that a divorce has on a couple, especially when children are involved. There once was a time when you thought that there was no one greater than the person you were about to marry. You made a commitment to each other to stay together for the rest of your life. It is a fact of life that couples go through hard times in their marriage. But before you make a decision to get a divorce, you owe it to each other to try to save your marriage first.

Many couples who end up getting a divorce have tendencies to look into their past. They have dwelt upon the mistakes their partner has previously made, which has led them to a place of resentment and an unwillingness to forgive. In order to avoid a divorce a couple must focus on the present and embrace a commitment to move forward. Truly forgiving someone means forgetting about what it is that they have done to hurt you. Forgiving someone does not mean that you do not "win" or that your feelings did not matter or that you are the weaker person by letting this go. Forgiving someone means that you are stronger for being able to stand the hurt that they have caused you and that you can allow the natural love that resides in everyone's heart to guide your decisions. Rather then putting all the blame on your spouse, focus on making things right.

In order to avoid divorce and save your marriage you should also be realistic about your expectations about your relationship. When two people first get married, each one comes into the marriage expecting it to be a certain way. Many times these expectations are quite different and can cause conflict later on in the relationship. Ladies, if you are engaged to someone who loves to watch football on a Sunday afternoon but you think that your Sunday afternoon should be filled with shopping, do not expect that once you get married your spouse will suddenly put their foam fingers aside to spend an entire Sunday shopping with you. While it would be a nice gesture for them to voluntarily go shopping with you instead of watching the big game, do not expect that on a weekly basis. As much as we would like to, we can't change our spouses. If they were a neat freak before you got married, they are going to be a neat freak throughout your lives together. Learn how to keep realistic expectations of how you would like the marriage to be in order to prevent yourselves from disappointing each other.

Married couples who are able to learn forgiveness and let go of unrealistic expectations can help improve their relationship. It is never too late to patch things up and restore the relationship that you both have devoted your lives to. Before final decisions are made to go through with a divorce, make a commitment to try to save your marriage -- and make it a happy one.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage. To learn more visit: Steps to Save Your Marriage