How to suck at dating

by Jack Xu 19 days ago in single

for the single man

How to suck at dating
"I CAN see myself as miserable in most if not every aspect of dating"

Some of you may be thinking as you glanced at the title of my story;

"Ahh...Geez. Probably another sob story from a miserable excuse of a man".

To which I agree with you. I am turning 36 this year as of 2020 and I never managed to get a girlfriend in my life. So I CAN see myself as miserable in most if not every aspect of dating. But here's the fun part;

I CHOSE not to.

This is neither a story to motivate you to think the opposite way.

Nor is it a story to convince you that the dating world is not meant for you. Because deep down you know that is not true.

This is a story to tell you that YOU as a man have a choice on how you want to suck at dating.

"You as a man have a choice on how you want to suck at dating"

I am speaking to millions if not billions of single men out there who have being struggling for a very long time to get your break - I am so there with you at this moment in time.

And even if I do find that special person one day before some of you, I will continue to encourage and support all of you all the way.

So what do I mean by; "YOU as a man have a choice on how you want to suck at dating"?

Let me start by emphasising what you DON'T have a choice over when it comes to dating;

You don't have a choice on whether a woman;

  • talks to you.
  • gives you her number.
  • goes on a date with you.
  • sleeps with you.
  • CHOOSES you.

But here's what you DO have a choice over..

YOU have a choice on how you want to respond to each of the above.

You can;

  • shrivel up and cry.
  • be angry and resentful to women for rejecting you.
  • give up on love completely and become a monk.
  • accept that dating is a grind and just move on with life.

But this is what I have chosen that has helped me grow tremendously as a person for the past year;

I CHOSE to ask myself these questions;

  • What have I lost as a result of this interaction?
  • What can I forgive about her and myself in this interaction?
  • What can I be grateful for as a result of this interaction?
  • What have I learnt from this interaction?
  • What can I do better on the next interaction?

So let me tell you about a date I went on very recently.

"we had conversations over the phone which made us feel very close with each other"

It was the second date I went on with this girl I met on Coffee Meets Bagel named Sharon (real name is not disclosed for privacy reasons). The first date went very well and we had conversations over the phone which made us feel very close with each other prior to the second date.

When the second date came along, it turned out to be a bit of a disaester. Sharon told me she wanted like to play tennis with me. So I booked a tennis court for 1 hour at 7pm the following week. Due to traffic issues, issues finding parking close to the court, some administration issues with the booking issues, we were down to our last 15 minutes of the booking. And to top it off, neither of us was skilled enough to be able to return each other's hits. The frustration of having all these technical issues with the booking really got to me. Despite this, Sharon tells me she enjoyed her time with me. Throughout this ordeal with the tennis courts, Sharon was very supportive in terms of assuring me that it was no big deal we couldn't get the whole hour. She brought chocolates in case we got hungry. She offered to invite me to her place for dinner in case we couldn't find a restaurant. But the whole time I was in my head.

As we made our way back to the car, I was physically exhausted from both the long drive to the tennis courts as well as the long walk to and from where we parked.

I drove us to dinner at a pizza place. As we were seated at the table I made several selfish attempts to become intimate with her. But Sharon gave no indication that she was interested in doing so and simply stared into the side mirror of the restaurant. Sharon also showed no interest of wanting to hang out longer for dessert. And the drive back to her home became a conversation about why it was so awkward in the restaurant.

The experience of that night left me so frustrated that I didn't know whether I wanted to see her again. It's been 3 weeks since I last spoke to Sharon and as I am writing this story right now, I have just sent her a text to ask her how she's been and when she's free to get on a call with me.

So;

  • What have I lost as a result of this interaction?

I lost time, the connection and the trust that I had with her prior to that day.

  • What can I forgive about her and myself in this interaction?

I forgive that Sharon couldn't be what I wanted her to be that night. And I forgive that I was in my head the entire time and was not grateful for the effort she put in to show me that she cared about me.

  • What can I be grateful for as a result of this interaction?

I am grateful to have met someone that I could connect well with. Although, Sharon is not perfect (and I am not perfect), she tried really hard to make it work. I am also grateful for this experience because it taught me alot of valuable lessons about myself and dating.

  • What have I learnt from this interaction?

I have learnt that I still need more work on being present under stressful situations. I have learnt that I needed to be more mindful of the person that I am on a date with, take notice of how she's feeling rather than just simply thinking about what I'm getting out of it.

  • What can I do better on the next interaction?

I will focus on being present in the moment rather than allowing my mental state to be controlled by the situation. I will take notice of my date's efforts to contribute to our time together. I will be mindful of my expectations and whether they are appropriate for the situation.

As you can see, I am still constantly learning and sucking from my experiences with dating. And I look forward to many more of such experiences.

I choose to do so because I want to believe that one day after so much learning and sucking at dating I will be ready for the love of my life.

I understand that giving up hope and being resentful to the dating world is also a choice. And it is also a very comfortable choice to make. Because then I won't have to put myself out there and I won't have to get hurt.

But that choice is not the way that I want to suck at dating.

Because finding the woman, the partner, the team mate, the teacher, the mother of my children, and the love of my life is immensely important to me.

And even if I never get to meet this person despite all my efforts..

At least I know that I went on a glorious life journey meeting hundreds of people and learning about their experiences and perspectives - something that many happily married man never get to experience and understand.

So to the millions and billions of single men out there who, like me are still struggling with finding the woman of your dreams..

I have shared my story and the choice that I had made on how I want to suck at dating.

It's all up to you now

Now it is your turn to choose..

How do you want to suck at dating?

single
Jack Xu
Jack Xu
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Jack Xu

A writer, high performance coach, speaker, entrepeneur and influencer, the focus of my stories is on dating for single men.

Find answers to;

How does a single man be okay with being a single man?

Stay tuned and look forward to my stories.

See all posts by Jack Xu