How To Run a Marriage into the Ground

To begin, you need to set a good, strong base for failure. Take absolutely no psychological inventory from this point forward. Go on and bring all that baggage right up, just beneath the surface. Make sure any tears produced upon reminiscing on childhood are ignored or extinguished by laugher. Do not work on your relationship with your father. Don't work on forgiving your family for any past misunderstandings. You're going to need all of these unraveled ends and gaping wounds to hastily construct something resembling affection in your romantic relationships.

Next, be sure to meet your partner on a whim, perhaps on the internet, and be sure you bone within 5 hours of meeting. Make sure it's the best sex you've ever had. If you feel a small amount of shame afterwards, congratulations! You're puttering down the right track. When you meet his friends and family, ignore all warnings and red flags they present to you. You're in love! You could assess your situation, or you could have another orgasm. Don't mess this up. This is starting to feel a lot like love! And the stamina!

Now it's been about a year and the shits starting to get old. He can't seem to hold down a job. His dad's kind of a jerk and there's real concern that your sexy new partner may share some of his toxic traits. Wait, did he just say he's struggling with a porn addiction? Good thing you're starting to get to know him aaaand you're pregnant. Get pregnant. There's a million ways to not get pregnant, but go ahead and knock that out.

This next part is crucial.

Do not communicate about the ramifications of this pregnancy *at all*. Get high on the baby showers and gifts, well wishes, and advice. Assume that your partner is willing and capable of being the kind of parent that you'd want for your children. Ignore that no evidence has ever been presented to support that claim. Yay babies! Some people would make the mistake of thinking that the weight of creating and being responsible for a human life would motivate any lackluster adult to hop into gear. This is not so! Make sure not to outline any expectations for the future, just assume the other will be a great parent because the child needs them to be.

You're moving right along! You've had the baby and you're alone, in the hospital, staring at the person you've created. Your partner is home playing World of Warcraft. Go through this alone. Do not tell him it bothers you until the pain settles in nice and snug, right into the hole we left open at the beginning of this piece. See how things come full circle? You're doing it!

Ask your partner to propose. Accompany them to the piercing booth at the mall to buy wedding rings.

At the ceremony, as the bride, be sure to be stoned the whole time. As the groom, apply no effort. My groom neglected to get a haircut for the big day, forgot the rings, chose a racist best man for our interracial union, then complained about the food and limo all night. Put your own spin on it. Make it as hard as possible to root for the groom as a person. Be the most pitiful bride you can be.

After all is said and done, find out three days post wedding that the groom was texting his ex girlfriend in the limo he hated, while leaving the wedding ceremony with you- his new bride. Decide to work things out. Decide you're open to another child. Agree on it. Get pregnant. Make sure the father audibly regrets the pregnancy at every turn. Do not. Discuss. Any of this.

Allow his friends to start complimenting you. Find out he's cheating again. Fuck his friend.

At this point, I encourage you to take the reins in your own situation. I've concluded my story by adding a boyfriend and telling those who ask that I don't identify as married. It can be as messy as you'd like, it's completely up to you. Shoot for the stars!

I hope this helps!