How to Quickly Recognize You’re Clingy AF: 3 Things That Give You Away

Here’s something you might not have known: your romantic partner regulates the levels of hormones in your blood, your blood pressure, your heart rate, even your breathing.

Your hypothalamus won’t be triggered as much when you go through stressful situations as long as your loved one is standing by your side, holding your hand. You’ll actually feel less stressed, on a physical level.

Congratulations. Once you fall in love, you and your partner blend into one physiological unit with 2 parts that affect each other’s emotional and physical well-being. As celebrated as independence is nowadays, biology just won’t leave us alone.

We are programmed to be dependent on our partners.

Why?

Simple reason. It helps us survive better.

At least that’s what authors Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller claim in their book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love which came out in 2010. While I was researching different relationship problems (for a friend, of course) (*coughs* I’m a clingy monster and it’s destroying my life), I stumbled upon Attached and got to reading.

The outcomes of my research were enlightening, to say the least.

Why your attachment style is a bit of a big deal

Wouldn’t you believe… obsessive clinginess actually has a name!

The anxious attachment style is one of the four different attachment styles, which were first explored in studies related to, funnily enough, babies. The Stranger Situation Experiment analysed how a baby reacts when their mother suddenly exits the room, leaving them all alone. The psychologist Mary Ainsworth then explained the various behaviour through what she called attachment theory.

It’s fascinating (and kind of sad) how so many of the patterns we follow in adulthood stem from the relationships we had with our parents as children, which we basically had no say in because… well, because we were children. Helpless, dependent and enamoured with everything our caretakers did.

Attachment styles are no exception. Just as babies have different attachment styles, adults act according to theirs too. And it’s not always nice.

Your attachment style can literally make or break your relationship if you’re not careful. The way you attach to your romantic partner determines the whole dynamics of the relationship, as well as how you communicate, how you think of your lover, and ultimately how happy you are.

The most important thing is to know what your attachment style is in the first place, though. As soon as you’re aware of it, you’ve made the first step. Because the moment you realize what’s wrong, you can approach the problem with the knowledge you need. You can actually do something about it.

There are four different adult attachment styles:

• Secure attachment
• Anxious attachment (insecure)
• Avoidant attachment (insecure)
• Anxious-avoidant attachment (insecure)

And since we’d like to know if we’re being clingy AF, therefore anxiously attached, let’s get to it straight away.

Am I too clingy or am I not too clingy? That is the question

Look, we all depend on our partners, no matter how detached or independent we try to be.

Falling in love is literally like getting addicted to a drug, and the second your attachment system (the mechanism in your brain that monitors how safe and available your attachment figures are) has locked into place, you biologically expect your partner to be there for you when you need them. Attached says as much.

It’s okay to be dependent. It’s okay to be attached.

The problem comes when your attachment style gets a little (a lot) out of hand, and you become too needy, too clingy, too obsessed. Everything should be in moderation, that’s all I’m saying.

So, how do you know you’re a bit too clingy? Here are a few things that can help you figure it out, as explained by Attached.

Be with me or else I shall die of boredom & anxiety

I’ll give you a break and say right away that the first two months of a relationship don’t count. The addiction is at an all-time high during what is sometimes referred to as the honeymoon period, and judging your clinginess based on literally being high is not the best idea.

Once things have settled down a little bit, though, you should be able to go on with your life without thinking about those lovely *insert a colour of your own choosing* eyes all the damn time.

It’s always comforting to know that your partner has your back, that they’ll reply to your text when they have the time and that they love you just as much as you love them. Having a partner becomes a part of your life after a few months of dating, and the fact that such a great person exists might be at the back of your mind 24/7.

Yes, even in dreams. The moment I started dreaming about my current boyfriend, I knew he’d finally made it into my subconsciousness. It’d be pretty hard to wretch him out now, that’s for sure.

However, you should be able to focus on other daily tasks without any issues. What’s more, you should enjoy them fully, be present, and not think about how much better they’d be if your loved one was holding your hand.

Seriously, even hanging out with friends was boring when I was in love with my first boyfriend and severely anxiously attached. I constantly thought about where he was and what he was doing. Why wasn't he with me?

I wrote the last sentence in a very pouty voice, by the way.

What’s more, you’re not only bored but maybe even anxious when your lover isn’t with you. The second you see them and hold them, the feeling goes away.

The perks of being securely attached include the feeling of safety that comes with knowing that you can go on with your day, have a blast, and your partner will still be there the next time you see them.

The reason you’re so obsessed with their whereabouts and are constantly preoccupied with the relationship is that you don’t feel at all secure in the bond.

If I let go, the world will shatter!

And it does in a way. Remember that part about becoming one physiological unit when you and your partner fall in love?

Well, Attached says:

“Studies have found that the same areas in the brain that light up in imaging scans when we break a leg are activated when we split up with our mate. As part of a reaction to a breakup, our brain experiences the departure of an attachment figure in a similar way to that in which it registers physical pain.”

Ouch.

Breakups are extremely hard to get through for almost anyone who’s been in love, but maybe even more so for those of us who are anxiously attached. We are so enmeshed with our partners that we simply can’t envision our life without them anymore.

When you become dependent on someone in such a way, your reality shatters when that bond breaks. It’s like being forced into a bad dream, except you can’t wake up. Ever. You’re stuck in this pain forever.

Well, at least until some time passes by and you finally start healing bit by bit. Only to try this rollercoaster again in the future, because yay, love is so much fun, I love it when my heart breaks into a thousand pieces!

Seriously now. If you’re stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you well, and you always keep rationalising your way out of breaking up with them (What if I’ll never find someone better? What if they’ll change? I’ll end up all alone, for all of eternity!) because you actually can’t imagine your life without them — and when you try, you’re overcome with intense fright — you might be anxiously attached.

Secure people know when it’s time to walk away, even though it hurts. They know they deserve love and great treatment. Anxious people, on the other hand… we can take a lot just to stay with the ones we love. And it’s not good for us.

I love you but I hate you so I’m going to pretend I don’t care and then act hostile and then make you jealous and then threaten to leave you, just for a good measure

When we’re not getting the attention we want, we clingy anxious lovely humans do the only thing we know how to do: we protest in all the wrong ways.

Attached describes protest behaviour like this:

“Protest behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention. There are many ways that protest behavior can manifest itself, anything that can jolt the other person into noticing you and responding to you.”

Unfortunately for you and your partner, protest behaviour is almost always harmful to the relationship. It includes doing things such as:

Keeping score: How many hours did it take him to reply to my text? Three. Fine. That’s fine by me. Completely fine. No problem. I’ll wait for five hours to reply to him, and if it takes him this long again, I won’t speak to him for the rest of the day. It’s his own fault!

Withdrawing: If I pout and act all inaccessible, I’ll surely get his attention. If he asks me what’s wrong, I’ll say that nothing is. It’s up to him to figure it all out. I don’t care. I couldn’t care less! He doesn’t exist, la-la-la-la.

Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: I’ve already sent her six texts, called her phone three times, sent two emails, and still nothing. Her lunch break already started five minutes ago, why isn’t she answering? Maybe I should visit her at work, just to check. Surprise her. I’ll bring flowers. Hold on, one more text. Okay, done. I’m getting the car keys.

Making them feel jealous: Hmm, maybe it’s time to talk to my ex again. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a little something to make her ask questions. To care. This will make her care.

Threatening to leave: “I never should have agreed to date you. I knew we weren’t right for each other. Maybe this is all a mistake.” Please, say I’m wrong. Please, beg me to stay.

Final Thoughts

If the things mentioned above describe you well, congratulations and welcome to the club. We are clingy because we are anxiously attached. Nice to meet you. We’re trying to be better partners here, for our sake as well as others’.

It’s hard to overcome your attachment style because it’s such an ingrained part of how you feel about those closest to you, stemming from early childhood.

It’s not impossible, however. Personally, I’ve made big progress since I realized the core of my relationship issues and started making changes in how I approach my partner and myself.

There’s always hope. And there’s always a relationship that’s either worth fighting for or worth leaving behind.

Most of all, though, there’s you. You’re worth the work. If you’re going to try to be securely attached, do it for yourself most of all.

Because you’re the person who will ultimately benefit the most. You’re the one who deserves to be happy.