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How To Flip The Switch from "Mom" to "Wife" When The Lights Go Out...

A motherhood struggle...

By Jaquelyn CannonPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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How To Flip The Switch from "Mom" to "Wife" When The Lights Go Out...
Photo by Jake Charles on Unsplash

I am a mom of three and the same cycle happens after every child that I have. I struggle to "flip the switch" from being a mom during the day and then somehow trying to be a sexy wife at night for my husband. There is just something about having spit-up on your shirt, changing diapers, and hardly being able to shower that just makes me feel as unsexy as possible.

I can't be the only one.

If you are like me and you struggle to flip the switch then this is for you. I don't have a "cure-all" but I do have some advice from someone who has been in the same boat. My self-esteem took a hit after I had kids, I struggled to feel sexy and, as a result, my sex life with my husband also struggled....significantly...to the point that we even went to marriage counseling and I started to question if our relationship was going to last. I wondered how he felt about me... if he still thought I was sexy. But we made it through that season of our life and our relationship is now stronger than it has been in a long time so I'm going to share with you all some steps we took.

1. Communicate

We had to learn to tell each other our wants, needs, and desires. (Both in the bedroom and out of the bedroom.) I am an intellectual and like to have deep and meaningful conversation. You could say it is my "love language" whereas, his love language is quality time and physical touch and he is not much of a communicator. I expressed to him how I need the emotional intimacy just as much as the physical intimacy, if not more. I need the pillow talk (before and after) for me to feel comfortable and close to my partner. We created an open communication climate within our relationship and when that happened, everything changed. We started texting again throughout the day, we joked and played around, and ultimately, we grew closer as husband and wife.

2. Don't Stop Dating

Having kids should enhance your marriage, not end it. But you have to put in the work to show your partner attention because, at the end of the day, your attention is now divided between your partner and however many kids you have (with the kids usually getting the bulk of it) so you have to be intentional about showing your partner that you care and love them even if it is a random hug in the kitchen, a word of appreciation, or a compliment. Don't stop dating your partner. Find a babysitter or call on friends and family to watch the kids at least once every two weeks and go on a date with your significant other. Our date nights have helped to keep our relationship alive and our sparks ignited. I practically live in sweat pants with a messy bun and no makeup. But date night is the night where I get dolled up and, for that evening, it is all about us. When we first started doing this, I would almost get butterflies in my stomach all over again because it had literally been so long since we showed each other that individual one-on-one attention - but, honestly, those butterflies felt so good and I realized just how much I missed that feeling.

3. Love Your Partner In Their Love Language, Not Just Your Own!

This one can be a bit tricky but with some practice; it will start to feel more natural. This is probably still the hardest one for me and my husband but the benefits are worth it when we actually try. See, as I said early, my top love language is communication (words of affirmation and reassurance) and my lowest ranked love language is physical touch. In contrast, my husbands highest ranked love language is physical touch and his lowest is words of affirmation...yeah...it sucks.

It was hard to tell that we were on opposite ends of the spectrum when we first got together because when we first got together everything was fresh, we didn't know each other so we always communicated which satisfied my love language and I could hardly keep my hands off him which satisfied his love language. But after the years went by, the newness faded. I learned he wasn't much of a talker and he learned I wasn't as sexual as he had originally thought.

But we still love each other and want to be together. So, what did we do?

We learned to love each other in the love language of the other person and not just our own. If he was always looking to get satisfied (through touch) rather than to satisfy me (through communication) then it wouldn't work in either of our favor. Same as if I was only looking to have deep conversation and not meet his needs then it doesn't work in either of our favor. (I know it sounds complicated - but it is really not.) Let me break it down for you simply.. find out what your partners love language is and speak to them in that. When I'm with my husband and we are watching a show, where I wouldn't normally put my hand on his leg or lean over on him, now I do that because I know that's what he desires. And he does the same thing for me, where he would normally just come home and get right in the shower or play a video game, he now spends at least 30-45 minutes talking to me about our day, what the kids have been doing, etc. And the end result is....that it works. And after you've done it for a while, it will start to feel natural. I've learned that I actually enjoy leaning over on him on the couch because I know it feels good to him which makes me feel good. And he knows that just by having a conversation with me helps me to feel safe and connected and that makes him feel good. It ends up being a win-win.

To wrap this up, if you are reading this then you are probably struggling a little bit in your relationship and I want you to know that it is okay, you are not alone, and that it can get better if you both want it to. Take the time to explore each other and remember why you fell in love. Be honest about your wants and needs. When you start to do these things, you will find the passion and intimacy that you missed and realize that "flipping the switch" wasn't as hard as you thought.

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About the Creator

Jaquelyn Cannon

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places." -Ernest Hemingway

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