How To Find A New Partner

After my second traumatic divorce I spent ten years on my own. This state of affairs was not entirely of my own choosing. In the early years I did try various methods of finding somebody else, all to no avail. Singles clubs, dating sights, discos, concerts, bars, you name it I tried it and got absolutely nowhere. I couldn't even get so much as a one night stand. In the end I gave up trying and resigned myself to being single for the rest of my days.

One lesson I learned from all of those frustrating years trying to hitch up with a woman came from the unlikely source of a beautiful blond friend of a friend. Lucy was married to a lovely guy and they were both very kind in inviting me to hitch along with them at the local annual fair. I had been at the fair about two hours on my own when I bumped into Lucy and Juan at one of the bars. Juan suddenly announced that he had run out of money and needed to go to an ATM. Lucy offered to go with him but he declined saying he'd be quicker on his own and to wait at the bar.

Outside the bar stood waiting on the dusty makeshift street, Lucy asked how I was doing with the dating. I told her the truth, not in a complaining manner, more like acceptance.

"Well this bar is full of beautiful woman, for sure you'll get off with one here."

"No Lucy, I went in earlier before you arrived. Yes, it's full of beautiful women, but not a single one gave me so much as a second look. I'm fine, don't worry about it."

Lucy's reply was simple and straight to the point.

"To get a woman you need a woman. Come on, take my arm and let's go in."

And before I could demurely decline Lucy had linked her arm into mine like we were lovers and dragged me into the bar. From the second we entered the bar the effect was stunningly obvious. Every single beautiful woman turned to look at me. Then, even more amazing, as we stood at the actual bar almost all the women began to navigate towards us. It seemed they just had to get closer to us. A few even touched me lightly on the arm and introduced themselves. Lucy just stood smiling at me and whispered "See what I mean? They all want to know what the guy with the beautiful blond has got."

Clearly Lucy knew her own kind very well indeed. Well enough to know that no woman wants anything to do with somebody that nobody wants. A single man on his own is perceived by many women as somebody who clearly has got nothing to offer. Or even worse, such a man is seen as perhaps having some undesirable traits. For these reasons women steer clear. On the other hand.....

The nights that I went out to bars and discos women seemed to be attracted more to men who were married or who had a partner. Many a night I saw an attractive woman, who had previously shunned my polite overtures, head off with a man who I knew to be married.

I sometimes wondered if this phenomena was because as humans we don't trust our own judgement. Or perhaps we simply want what somebody else has got. Maybe the reason is that the man who is married or has a partner is proven to have some physical or economic or other personal attribute which a woman desires. And can I just point out that it could well work the other way in terms of men wanting a spoken for woman over a single girl. I do not personally operate this way, but I cannot speak for other men.

Apart from my lack of success on the dating scene I had my hands full with a very bitter destructive ex who just wanted to grind me into dust. Sad to reflect that she succeeded at least in economic terms. By the time she had finished with me I wouldn't blame any woman for not wanting anything to do with me. I literally had nothing to offer any woman, not even so much as a peaceful life.

No woman wants to live with some ex in the background constantly calling round to cause trouble. And maybe, that is the reason why ex's are problematic after a split. They know that no woman wants to live like that and so they do it intentionally to ruin that new relationship. The ex doesn't want the man, but she doesn't want anybody else to have him neither.The whole idea is to isolate the man, to leave him as Billy No-mates to continue causing him pain and to fully justify having dumped him in the first place. They try to make the man the loser that they portrayed him as to all and sundry.

The only thing you can do with a destructive ex is to put as much distance as possible between you. Either they or you have to take a hike. Fortunately in my case it was her who did a runner and I have seen neither hide nor hair of her or my young son, who she illegally kidnapped, since.

With my life entering a more peaceful phase, right out of the blue I met my present wife. What's more, we never met through any singles club or dating site, no disco and no bar. The woman arrived when I had long since given up looking, at a local breakfast bar over a coffee and toast. I do now believe that you are far more likely to meet a new partner at the local supermarket than you are at any singles stomping grounds. So, what I learned from all of that is that love and a new partner will come when you aren't looking for it and it will come from the most unlikely of quarters you could imagine, like a book shop or fishmongers.

As an interesting sign off, both of my previous failed marriages were due to both of my ex's having an affair with their boss. Amazing. You are more likely to get screwed at work than anywhere else. I deliberately chose the word to get screwed because in both cases once our marriages were over, the boss, wanting nothing more to do with them, ditched them and gave them the sack. Once I wanted nothing more to do with them, neither did their lovers, which is the obverse of only wanting somebody who already has somebody.