How To Break Up Without Hurting Our Partner
In a cool, safe and kind enough to make them accept the reality and sincerely let you go for finding your true happiness.
Any negative situations can lead someone to have a feeling to break up with their partner. Saturation, tired of being in ldr (long distance relationship), hard to get parents' approval, cheating to abusive relationship.
At the other hand, oftentimes he or she's too afraid to make the decision. They might choose to stay in the unhealthy relationship because of the doubt feeling, a fear of being hurt and hurting their partner though the urge to break up is so strong. If you're in this such situations and feel you deserve for a better love life, it might be a time to do the right thing! End it and find the best one for you!
But, it needs to be underlined that unless your partner has done fatal abuse or severely a cheaters, it is inappropriate to just disappear when you don't want to be their partner again. Be mature and meet your partner, say you don't want to be together with anymore. It's hard, but you can definitely end it with the right clarity and certainty.
And also, you should think about how you want to be treated when someone you love comes to end the relationship. Keep in mind that everyone has feelings, even for a bad-tempered guy.
When you want to break up with your partner and you didn't do it adequetly, you should worry for any negative reactions from your partner. Dissappointment, hurt feeling or a revenge intention could be unexpectedly arise in your partner' mind!
So how we tell our partner that we want to break up? Here are some tips on how to break up in a good way, safe and less hurting which hopefully will make things easier for you and ex to deal with the decicion.
You Need To Have A Steady Determination To Break Up.
If you are still in doubt, it is feared that you can not properly speak up your heart and mind when the serious conversation is taking place. If necessary, write down the reasons why you want to end the relationship. Note it only for yourself. This will help you to be able to focus on your believably the right thinking and decide whether this is what you really want or not.
Also prepare what you're going to say. Write out your thoughts, or you may even want to practice it in front of a mirror and find the proper facial expression when you deliver your breakup intention. By being well prepared and staying focused, you can still be calmly giving any acceptable responses if the reactions are out of control.
Make Sure You Have Already Understood The Root Of The Problem.
It's better if your love partner also has been realizing that there is a problem within the relationship and both of you have already recognized what's the root causes.
Make sure there are previous attempts to find a solution. Either you yourself or you both have done the best fight for this relationship to a point that you know that it cannot be repaired. Don't come suddenly and say you want to split up without any signs and reasons.
Just make this moment as a formal time to end the relationship, not to re debate all the problems uncontrollably as might have happened before.
Meet In Person.
Whatever the reason, show a respect to your partner and the relationship itself by intending to meet in person. Don't end the relationship via a text message. Besides it will raise a 'not so appreciating feelings' in your partner's sight, this action is considered less mature. It will be felt so demeaning if we get a break up news through just a simple chat words, right?
With a face to face conversation, will avoid misunderstandings, all can be explained clearly. If you are in an LDR, at least reach him/her by phone or video call. Avoid doing it through chat on social media. It will make your partner wonder more about what has happened.
Choose The Right Time To Meet.
Make an appointment first. Tell your partner that you want to meet because there is an important things. To avoid they get in shock, give an implied signal that it is about a decision you would take for your relationship.
Ask the proper time to meet. Don't do break up when your partner is still working, feel sick or doing other important activities. The break up moment could make them distressed and could impact the success of their projects. If this happens, it will hurt them more and could make them blame you to the future! By finding the right time, hopefully it would minimize the pain when they get the bad news.
Do It In Private Place And Neutral
If you feel safe, choose a quiet place. Don't break a relationship in public spaces, such as a cafe at lunch hour. A crowded place will make you get difficulties to focus on conveying everything that your partner should understand.
Break up in front of a lot of people will also make your partner feels insulted and of course that is an embarrassing/uncomfortable thing to experience!
Just find a neutral place where there're no many people who would know you both. Also don't chose the special place of you two to end the relationship. Your partner will feel so hurt and disappointed that you intend deliberately to damage their sweet memories into a big worst memory!
Don't Bring Other People Into The Moment.
This is your relationship, solve your problems by yourself. You two will be more open and comfortable to talk all the things that need to be discussed.
But, if you want to end the relationship because of the partner's bad treatment, or your partner is a person who will get emotional easily, then you may prefer to send email or by phone. Explain clearly to them why the relationship must end.
Also don't ask friend to deliver the news! If you have to meet in person, you can invite a close friend to accompany you, this can add confidence and raise a secure sense. But don't come with someone who're suspected paying attention to you or people who your partner don't know well. Ask someone close to you who you feel sure that your partner really respects and comfortable with, the wise one who has become reference when both of you have any problems. Keep in distance, involve him just when it needed. His existence will dampen the atmosphere when your partner appears being ignited or gives any dangerous reactions.
Express All In Calm Tone.
Before you go to the point, start with small talk that does not cause a debate. Ask your partner a time to talk before they want to respond. Make sure they will hear every speech you say.
Start with an apology and then tell the intention to break up in eye to eye with soft and calm tense. Hold his/her hand if you feel comfortable. You can say that you feel guilty for not being a good one for them (in case he/she is a quite good person).
Apologize genuinely and say you really hope that they can sincerely accept your decision. The words that come out of your mouth greatly influences its effect, keep speaking in polite language, so that it doesn't hurt them so much.
Give Concrete And Logical Reasons.
You don't need to say that the end of the relationship is because you no longer have feelings of love for your partner. So, make sure you have a clear reason and let your partner know why (as had been said before, it's better to make sure that your partner has already known the real cause of the relationship problem before this decision moment). For example, your partner's parents still don't give their blessings, or you don't feel happy to be in long distance relationship, etc.
Don't Attack Their Ego.
Don't tell anything that attack, blame or criticize your partner. By saying You want to break up with them because they never been there for you or saying "You never listen to me, I'm tired!" You will even invite an endless debates and dramas that only waste your energy and time!
If it is related to abusing or cheating matter, No need to emotionally reveal all the bad things they had done in . Just simplify it and tell that it's the reason, that you feel uncomfortable going through a relationship because of the unpleasant things that had happened.
Once again, make sure your partner has realized that what they did was wrong, and they know it hurts you. So without even talking too much, they already understand why you want to break up. The cheater or rude partner would feel shame to have the right of hurt feelings as they themselves know you are more hurt because of their mistakes.
Don't Make This Breakup On The Purpose Of Revenge.
Never show impliedly or even openly that this breakup decision as a revenge for any bad behaviours they had done, regardless it's the main reason to break up or not.
Your break up session will be far from succeed. Instead of making you satisfied and relieved, you are even will be more difficult to move on. And there is possibility your partner will take another actions that will hurt you more than ever!
Appreciate And Listen To Each Response That Comes.
After revealing all the reasons why you want to break up, it's time to listen to their opinion about the decision. Appreciate if they show feelings of upset or sadness, because it's natural if they feel these feelings. Our partners also need time to process the decision.
Keep comforting them accordingly, convey from heart to heart and carefully. Whatever your reason for asking to break up with them, say that this is solely a decision that you have thought carefully and breaking up is the best way for both of you. They will eventually understand of the reality that happens.
Answer honestly if they want more explanation. You have to calmly give a clear reason why the relationship ended. If it really needs to be done, then do a white lie, which is to give a few sweet words or a little tease to keep their feelings controllable as strengthen your reasons.
The goal is to reduce your partner's pain. Avoid The relationship ends without any reason.
Stay Focused And Stick With Your Decision.
Keep focus and calm! This is very important. If you look doubtful about your decision, your partner will take it as an opportunity to defend for the union. Your partner will keep trying to persuade as they have confidence to thwart your efforts to break up!
And when the reactions is somewhat arouses pity, don't be trapped in their turmoils and agitations which could be it's fake! Even if it's the real of his/her feelings, strict with yourself! It's not appropriate for you to accept them back because of you feel bad!
If the abusive partner expresses their regrets and apologies, begging and crying, and give any promises to become a better person, don't be tempted easily! Stick to your position, say This's the best! Stay cool, confident till they give up and accept the reality.
Make A Clean Breaks, Decide To Stay In Good Relationship Or Not.
After you expressed all things and your partner sincerely accepts it, you can negotiate whether you still want to stay in touch as a friend or cut off all contacts and turn into people who don't know each other. If you can ensure that friendships with the ex will not endanger your future relationship with others, then that is a good thing if you plan to stay friends, but of course with some limitations.
The most important thing is not to invite him to be friends just to reduce his disappointment. If you just say, "let's be friends" to let your partner down easier, it can even lead to more hurt feelings.
The decisions that have discussed together are proven to prevent a broken up couple from misunderstanding rather than decisions that are only taken unilaterally. With a mutually agreed decision, both of your heart aches due to this parting will be subside faster.
Don't Forget To Say Sorry To Your Partner.
When we are in a relationship, we must have done things that might hurt our partner. So, say sorry will surely reduce their pain when the break up happens. Don't show you're the most right person. They would do the same, apologize for all they have done.
If your relationship has been going on for a long time and you have been so close to your partner's family, You can also express forgiveness to his/her family. Make an appointment to meet them. This will show more responsibility and maturity of you.
Do it when all have been conducive. Also make a condition that when you meet the family, either your partner themselves or you're together who tell the news. Your partner will feel a little insulted/humiliated and it would reopen the old wound if you yourself say that you're the person who decide to end the relationship with him/her.
You're Both Officially Separated. Say Thank You Before Leave.
Eventhough breaking up seems sad and painful, you can also thank the partner for having a time to accompany you while you two in a relationship. Give honest thanks to your ex, there must be things that make you better, more meaningful and happy when you were together. The hurt feeling that would still remain in partner heart will be being swept away instantly by a sincere thank you.
In the end you two will have a peaceful hug or handshake as the sign of separation. And you will see a smile in his/her eyes and lips with no hard feelings, full of sincerity...
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*I have written and published this article in my medium page and also in Sensual Enchantment publication.