How To Break Up Via Social Media

1. Change your relationship status to “It’s Complicated”.

2. Don’t respond to the comments of your concerned family and friends who will ask you “What happened?”, “Did you and Marcus break up?”, “Are you doing okay, sweetie?”, etc. Or, you do respond, make it something simple. Like an emoticon frowny face. Whatever you do, do NOT use emojis. Even the saddest emojis are too happy for this situation.

3. Wait for your soon-to-be ex to message you. Depending on their occupation, this may take up to a full twenty-four hours. Although, if you’re breaking up with them, it is most likely they have some sort dead end job. Maybe the convenience store on the corner, or if they’re lucky at the Walmart across town. While you’re waiting, feel free to do all the things you couldn’t do while you were with them, take the polish off your toenails and order the greasiest food you can find. Bonus points if it’s something you can’t even pronounce.

4. When they finally get around to messaging you, tell them not to worry about it. “Oh, you know me, I’m so impulsive”, “It’s my problem, not yours. I’ll change it soon”, “You’re perfect, really. It’s just me”, etc. Work on crafting the most dismissive and passive aggressive message you can but be careful not to hurt their feelings. You are trying to let them down easily after all.

5. Let them sit for a couple of days. Allow your future ex to ruminate on the relationship. They’ll remember the time they forgot your six-and-a-half-month anniversary and the time they didn’t pick up on all the hints that you wanted the cubic zirconium necklace from the jewelry counter. It wasn’t even a real diamond. They’ll feel guilty.

6. Wait for them to call you. If they don’t call you after a few days, assume the guilt has consumed them and call them. Explain that you don’t blame them for their mistakes in the relationship and that you still love them. It is best to consider their feelings and yet still make them feel unloved.

7. Tell them you want to take a break. Just for a week or two. Just to clear your head and figure things out. The guilt they feel will most likely incline them to agree.

8. During the break, be sure to post about how happy you are. Go to drinks with your friends and start volunteering at the animal shelter with all the extra time you have. Do not change your relationship status to ‘Single’. Despite being on a break you must give your future ex hope that there is still a chance with you.

9. Collect all their things in a cardboard box. The CDs they left at your place. The T-shirts and forgotten sweatshirts. Stuff it in your closet.

10. After a week, they will most likely call you begging for another chance. Relate how happy you were over the past week and that you think you might just want to be single for a little while longer. Don’t tell them about the box in your closet. This will only make them give up hope. Negotiate another week.

11. Go back a year on your social media and delete the pictures from the beginning of your relationship. Don’t delete all of them because you don’t want anyone to catch on.

12. Take a picture with the cute puppy at the shelter. Call him your new boyfriend.

13. When they call you after the second week, drop that you may want to break up. But, be vague about it, you don’t want them to think you are breaking up with them.

14. Ask them what they are doing while you’re on break. Show interest when they just say they’ve been working as usual. Be happy for them.