How to become a human.

Do you ever just feel like you’re just not good enough? Like no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do, you’re never going to fit in, you’re always going to be the odd one out? Because that’s how I feel today. I’ve been trying so hard to make friends but it’s just never been good enough. Recently I thought things we’re going well for me, but to truly face the reality, I think I’m just considered one of my sisters tag alongs. I try to get on with her friends on my own accord all the time, but I just feel like I’m too damn awkward and I just end up driving everybody away. I feel extremely excluded and rejected. I know that this probably isn’t the case, one of the girls for example (let’s call her Flora) she has only ever been nice to me since day one and I kind of invited her to have a drink with me one night. It was really nice actually, because she seemed pleased to see me and I actually felt like I had a friend. And I knew that I didn’t have to worry too much about being too quiet or shy because she also suffers from social anxiety and so in a way, she must understand what I might be going through. To be honest, that night was a big step forward for me... I’ve never been able to just go to the pub before and be able to find someone to hang out with, it felt really nice. But then I think I must’ve messed it up, because a guy (let’s call him Neil) turned up and he was fairly drunk. He was immediately very flirty, as I have learned he can be when he’s particularly drunk, but me being myself I always end up caving into the admiration and playing along. (I like to feel admired, what can I say?) For about a month now I had been metaphorically chasing Neil because he showed me an immense amount of interest on Halloween and I thought that it genuinely meant that he liked me. We even arranged to go up to the viewpoint and watch the meteor shower a couple weeks later, but by the time we got to the night before he had already forgotten. My sister actually reminded him, which was the only thing that prompted him to cancel. So, for a while after this we’d catch each other at the pub once or twice and of course we’d flirt, and until recently I was eager for it to become something more. So, when he turned up at the pub that night when I was with Flora, I saw another opportunity to get to know him. It’s probably important to note that he was already plastered. To be honest, he did do a fair bit of flirting but most of the time he was there, he had disappeared being social as he very often did. I actually think I spent most of the time just chatting with Flora and enjoying the atmosphere until Neil mentioned that he might go down to the other pub in town because there were a bunch of other people he knew there, as he listed off the names, I recognized them from school (and there abouts) and saw this as a good opportunity to tag along as an excuse to make more friends. But when I think back to it, Flora must’ve felt slightly disappointed, she said that this particular pub was going to be packed and that she needed notice to be able to mentally prepare herself. I thought I could relate, but I quickly changed my mind because all I wanted was to actually make more friends and have a proper social life. It must’ve seemed like I abandoned her to hang out with a random guy just because he was flirting with me...

Anyway, Neil and I get to the other pub (and Flora was right, it was heaving!) and we separate briefly because I had a wardrobe malfunction. I guess this is where I really misjudged the situation because I was expecting Neil to hang around a specific group of people who I could get to know through the comfort of a mutual friend, but I was completely wrong. When I walked out of the toilets, he was nowhere to be seen. I went out to the garden, right up to the group of people he mentioned and he wasn’t there either. I eventually did bump into him again but the bliss was short lived because I ended up perching on a bench, not really saying anything to anyone and when I looked around, he was already gone talking to another girl by the fire. I wasn’t mad, obviously, because I know that that’s the kind of person he is when he’s drinking and I was the one who decided to go to the Arthur with him in the first place. I kind of just sat awkwardly sipping my drink for a bit, having the odd little bits of small talk here and there. Eventually one of the people invited me to go dancing with the group, which made me feel a bit more welcome but I soon lost them in the crowd and I was left feeling very overwhelmed. I sought out Neil, who was dancing in the front row and decided to bail. I ran out to the front of the pub for some fresh air, I couldn’t think and I told my sister about the dilemma. “I feel like if I push to the front just to hang out with Neil that it will be weird. I might just go home”. To which my sister promptly replied, “No it won’t, you’ll be fine. You’ve got this, be brave. I believe in you.”. And so, I listened to her. It was very strange actually because I went in trying to find him and he ended up finding me first. Long story short, we spent the rest of the night together, he totally broke his bank and I even ended up paying for a round of shots that he has ordered without checking his balance! In the end, he ended up staying the night at my place, it was so embarrassing because I never expect guests so it was an absolute state...

The day after that night we woke up in the same bed together, and that was the end of that. I messaged him after he’d left to make sure that he was okay and that was the last we had spoken to each other. I even sent a message to him asking if anyone was out later today but he hasn’t replied. I mean, I don’t really care in terms of him staying the night. I didn’t expect to form any attachments that night, but what does upset me is that he doesn’t even talk to me as a friend... I feel very disappointed. Personally, I feel like I should have stayed with Flora that night. It would have saved me a lot of stress and embarrassment, and perhaps I’d be a lot closer to Neil if I had drawn a line. If there's one thing that I learned that night, it’s that I will be okay whatever I do. It seemed that wherever I went I was able to make friends in the end. Downside though is the fact that a lot of those social interactions involved being a smoker, which I’m not, but for the exception of one night to feel like I was actually confident it was worth it.

Whatever you do, don’t take life advise from me. I have no idea what I’m doing. Just laugh at my mistakes instead, then at least some good came from it all.