How (Not) To Kill A Roommate

Hello and hello…

I wrote this some time ago when I was still living with roommates. I have seen them come and go; I have seen a lot of different types of behaviour and observed that certain things do not change. Instead, they repeat themselves, like comedy or tragedy on the world stage.

My plan with this was to print it privately on a blog, but I noticed that I could expand on this piece and have more points that are relevant and perhaps funny.

Well, funny to me. I don’t intend to keep this to myself and remain quiet about a very serious social menace of that other person (“L’enfer, c’est les autres,” as the famous French walleye once said).

So here I go…

Some advice:

1. Usually, when sharing things with a roommate, certain sections of the refrigerator should be portioned off for your use and their use. If, for some reason, your roommate has forgotten which drink is his or how to make spaghetti sauce without using your vegetables, simply provide a strong electric current directly into the metal wiring of your shelf and leave several damp beer cans in clear view. This problem will solve itself.

2. An apartment can become quite dirty when a roommate forgets to take the time needed to pass a broom, mop, or vacuum cleaner over a carpet or uncovered floor. Encourage him to make it his business to keep things clean and tidy by reminding him of the potential for rats and roaches in an unkempt home. If this point remains unheeded, a small sampling of rats or roaches in, say, a knapsack, cereal box, or soap dish can bring this situation to an effective conclusion.

3. Everyone has a special cup or set of plates that are for use only on special occasions. Sometimes, a roommate can forget about your rule regarding usage and cleaning of certain glasses, china plates, and utensils. At such moments, it is not unwise to consider removing all of the dishes, cups, silverware, and the like which bears his name or is under the auspices of a family gift or heirloom. An added bonus here is that it provides more space for you in the drawers and cabinets.

4. Now, music and videogames. I have been lucky to have not lived with any serious gamers, excluding one roommate who managed to work for a videogame company and hunted and removed bugs from the latest releases. A gamer is a creature that shuns the sun, proper food, and anything else that can help keep them healthy. I have no advice for them besides sealing up the door and providing food and sanitation through an open window. It is the music lovers that I think can be dealt with safely. First, make sure that your private sound system is louder, stronger and much more expensive than anything your other roommates may own. Then, obtain a selection of albums (or downloads – whatever works for you) of the prime years of Diamanda Galas, Captain Beefheart, Alien Sex Fiend, Einsturzende Neubauten or The Archies (ask your parents, the Internet or the remaining record store in your area for assistance on these matters). When they decide to hold a party on a weeknight when you have work or school the next day, you will know what to do.

5. Finally, there is the matter of dating. This is a sensitive issue that must be handled sensitively in order that there are no red faces the next day. A special lady deserves to know just what your roommate is all about, as does the roommate’s girlfriend and parents. A handy list of previous encounters on index cards can provide and easy means of reference to likes, dislikes, and particular habits before the romance of the evening stalls without the presence of such a conversation piece. Of course, this can be created using the information taken from your roommate’s journal, parents and ex-girlfriends. It will give you all something to talk about in the weeks to come.

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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