How It Just Ended

I just imagined like many women out there about being involved in the circle of life or so I thought. You meet someone, fall in love, get to know that person and one day he will propose to you in marriage in front of my parents. Get a wonderful fairy tale wedding, a nice honeymoon in a place you never heard from to then landing in a nice house with a white picket fence. Have that experience of motherhood not even once, but twice or even three times. Seeing your children grown through the good, the bad and the traumatic events that would help you define as a family even yourself. When they're old enough, they could leave to discover the world while you and your husband reminiscing their times together and living what they have left on this earth. Where one day they end up in some of these cases gone together or one gone first than the other. It's just how it goes.

But in my case or some people, it was just a race to get to the finish line. After failed attempts on relationships, influenced by the voice of feminism to discover my femininity instead of keeping myself pure for the right man to get married, my life got into a downward spiral for decades. Where one night stands, FWB and "casual dating" were the norm for me. I got into a long term relationship for 12 years and it was purely miserable where the person I was with lied about his financial situation and instead, I was the breadwinner. I tried to just get ahead by doing photography on the side, but it was more losing than earning. Tried to get second jobs but I quit after a week or two. Add that to a person who didn't have good hygiene, became morbidly obese and don't even have enough motivation to stand up and get at least a part-time job. Later, he became controlling, abusive and a pathological liar. I was feeling miserable and considered suicide at worst.

I moved from the Pacific Northwest to the South to start over. And I started from scratch. Got a job, got an apartment on my own and started dating. At first it was okay, but then I met this person who at first I thought he was different that what I was looking for in a man. I gave him the benefit of a doubt and it was a year on and off relationship. Where his good morning texts, text mid day and night was common in my life. We met once or twice a week. He even proposed to me in marriage when I called my stepdad. We were talking about wedding plans and what things we should add for the wedding. I thought I hit the Jackpot.

But here's the kicker.

I remember it clearly even the date: June 18, 2018. It was the last time I saw him. It was the last time we're spending time together. It was the last time we talked and the last time I made some food for us to eat. It was Fried Chicken with steamed vegetables placed in small containers like Bento Boxes. We kisses our goodbye's and it felt inside me like this it the real goodbye. But I didn't pay attention to my instincts. By 10:30pm he got arrested, charged with illegal firearms at his job and that's the icing on the cake.

A few days later found out I was the side chick instead of fiancee. A week later I found out more about his arrest. He was also arrested for sodomy. Seriously! Sodomy with a minor under 12 years old! I was in complete shock, humiliated, hurt, betrayed. I was mourning for almost a year from all this. There wasn't a day that I have been not able to control my tears and bouts of depression. Tried to get back up and start all over again. I was 44 when it happened. I tried to date, but it was still the same. Met men in person spontaneously, never had a chance to meet men from online dating sites even thought I was on every single one. Had one short term, one FWB and another that was actually a mistake. As the months went by, I started to be isolated from things and activities that I used to enjoy. I didn't want to settle for mediocre guys. I prayed almost everyday for a husband. Because being alone has a lot of losing and nothing to win where I fall down and it is hard to stand up and keep walking. When cold days equals having a pricey bill at the end of the month because of heater use. When my world is just me and wanted someone or anyone to break that ice and be a part of my world. Where I have problems trying to connect with people. It was months that I rather play video games or watch movies by myself than being annoyed with false promises and excuses not to see me or not spending time with me. I let go of my physical appearance a lot that I gained weight to where I used to. Cut my hair so many times I lost count. And my grays were showing week by week. But I didn't want to give up of being found by my future husband. Praying that I could be found and have the story I wanted to have for so long. But one day I received the call that I dreaded in my life that finally place an end to my dream that I hold on for so many years.