How it all began

It is in such isolated times that I find myself wanting to write some of my experiences for anyone willing to listen and hope to connect with those who may have gone through similar situations.

It all started five years ago in 2015 in Melbourne where my best friends cousin visited from France and asked me to show him around. I accepted with joy, I am not the type to say no and I was excited to show someone all the reasons why I loved Melbourne. Although there was a massive language barrier, his friends got along with my friends and we all enjoyed our time. The last night together during those holidays I remember that him started getting close to me to kiss me but I pushed him away and went home.

It was only two year later while visiting my family in France did we organise to see each other in Paris for dinner, it was pretty romantic. But for some reason all my insecurities I once felt in Melbourne came rushing back. He tried to kiss me and I pulled away! Don't get me wrong I had always found him attractive, but my reaction had never occurred to me before... was I too nervous? Yes...! I had no idea what to feel and I was disappointed in my reaction but he got upset and left telling me he didn't understand me. Neither did I in all honesty!

He would often message me to ask me how I was doing while he travelled through America. During this time I had time to think about him and I, why I had pulled away. The answer were pretty clear, it was me all along, my fear of commitment and my need to self sabotage everything. It wasn't until the end of 2018 i felt a change and slowly allowed myself to accept happiness and to feel comfortable in my skin.

In July 2020, I decided it was time to see where this could go! You can even say I was dedicated on my way to meet him to built up the courage to kiss him. We hadn't seen each other in three years, he now owes a restaurant in Paris where we met for drinks around two in the afternoon and stayed together until 3 in the morning. I finally built up the confidence to kiss him around 2 am, after a lot of alcohol and he only then mentions he had been in a relationship for two years...

A week later, he got drunk and kept calling me around one in the morning. He had booked a hotel room just 5 mins from where I was staying with family. He called and told me all the things I wanted to hear... that I was the one, that his girlfriend and him are finished because he couldn't stop thinking about me. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Naive as I am, I went to spent the night at the hotel, we were in the moment... The sexual tension was built up for so long how could it not be all I dreamt of.

In the morning, all I remember was the regret in his eyes! I felt like such an idiot, how could I believe he would break up with his girlfriend of two year that easy just for me!?... He was stressing out as his phone was blown up with messages from her and he wanted nothing but to go home to comfort her. Leaving me in an empty hotel room feeling like shit. I felt alone and sad but most of all, I felt bad for his girlfriend because of had cheated.

He messaged me a few times after saying that he misses me and my body... his famous phrase of 'Im the one' but I learned from my mistakes and refused to believe him this time and blocked him. I found myself upset from time to time so I decided to write him a letter (that will never reach him but) to helped me forget him;

" P.S. I remember our last time together all too well... There was so much regret in the air, your phone blown up with messages. Another drunken night in a traceable hotel room. All these careless decisions and burdens you shared with me before saying your quick goodbye. Leaving me, naked, with the reality of being the other woman. All the secrecy continued with the use of an untraceable app, telling me 'I'm the one' on more drunken nights. Not realising instead of making me feel special, you were actually hurting me more. As secrecy is not who I long to be.

I acted on my own self interest of pleasure those two nights and if I could change anything it would be not showing up. I sometimes find myself thinking about what she looks like, what colour her hair is? How she holds you at night? But today I decided to no longer allow my energy to live with you while you live with another... or ever for that matter "

What a love story it could have been, if he had just told me the truth... and we would have waited another few years. But as they say once a cheater always a cheater...