How Important It Is for Partners to Make Decisions Together in a Relationship

Who makes decisions in your couple, whether it's small decisions - such as where you go out or what you have at the table - whether it's important decisions - such as when you move in together, where you spend your vacation, where you live.

Even today, certain important decisions remain with him: the man is the one who takes the first step in asking them to move in together, he is the one who buys a ring and asks her to marry him… But over time, women have learned how to say the word, influencing the man, but at the same time leaving the practical decision-making to him!

But who usually makes decisions in your married life? Communicate and make different decisions together, depending on your needs, desires, and arguments, or - as usual - one of you imposes your point of view, while the other accepts it (often to avoid conflicts )?

If the answer to "the decision-maker" is "he", then you probably form a traditional couple - in which the man "leads" the household. This situation derives either from the fact that he has authority and influence over her or from the fact that she passes it on to him because he enjoys other advantages in the relationship.

It is a matter of needs and gains: the one who feels the need to lead has fears about his position in the relationship and wants to feel dominant. Of course, the decision-making process can be based on more than that: often, the man is more efficient and practical than the woman.

For her, some decisions involve whole plans of action, lists of options, fears, and indecisions, so he has to take control - otherwise, it can take months until she decides where to go out!

But in some relationships, the issue of decision-making is strictly related to the need to have power. The man needs to feel "the rooster in the house", either because of social norms and prescriptions - which say that he is the "head of the family", or because of the need to have an advantage in the couple.

And the woman agrees, either because she is influenced by him and is afraid of conflicts, or because she has confidence in her ability to make decisions, or because she does not feel the need to make decisions. The woman can have - and has - other mechanisms - more subtle - to get power in the couple and get what she wants and thus does not feel the need to be the one who decides on various aspects of daily life: the place where I go, the movie I see, what I eat at the table, where I go on vacation, who I meet. Men often use authority and women use sex!

If the answer to "your decision-maker" in your couple is "she", then you have a modern couple in whom the woman deals with these issues - either because she can analyze and make the best decision, or because that this power is "passed on" by him.

What interest could a man have in giving up his decision-making power? First of all, he thus gets rid of any effort and time lost in various minor decisions and lets it grind with all these aspects. Secondly, the man thus gains a consistent advantage in the relationship, an advantage that can be used when the need arises for a really important decision: "you are the one who always decides everything, but this time, I also have the right to say something"! And she will feel so guilty that she has been in control of the relationship for so long that she will accept it without hesitation!

But often the question of who makes the decisions - especially those related to the house, budget, children - is left to the woman because the man is either busier, or is disinterested in such matters, or does not know very well!

You can't expect a man to decide what kind of curtain, what sofa, what table to buy, what color to whitewash, what picture to put in the living room, what brand of shampoo to use or which chicken breast company is more Hi! Men leave the power to make these decisions to women, because they know better and because they are not at all interested in the many differences between chicken from X and chicken from Y, or the effect of yellow lime in appearance. and the brightness of the room, compared to the cream lime!

As for raising and educating children, it is considered that the woman is naturally good at knowing what to do and how to raise him, how to anticipate the needs of the little one, and how to fulfill them! The father usually enters the scene when it comes to important decisions: to which school to be sent to if he has school, medical or social problems. Otherwise, he is the jovial person who gives the little one candy and pocket money, while the mother takes care of the practical aspects!

So who makes decisions in your couple and on what basis? That's how you formed from the beginning: did one of you decide, did the other submit, or did one gain more power over time? More importantly, does the decision-maker think of his partner when he makes them or only for his benefit? Equally important, does the one who "obeys" do this to avoid conflicts and quarrels or because he trusts his partner's ability to decide what is best for both of them?

It is important to answer these questions, because even if for a long time, you may not mind the fact that your partner seems to make all the decisions without asking you - or just asking you the form - at some point you can accumulate frustrations and explode. And it is much healthier for you and the relationship if you realize that the situation bothers you and you intervene in time, talking to your partner and explaining that you need to feel that you matter in the relationship!

The problem of who makes decisions can, however, be reversed: the one who makes the decisions usually gets tired of this, of indifference, neglect, and disinterest of the partner and of the responsibility of always being the one who has to decide!

And here it is equally important to realize in advance if this situation bothers you because if it lasts a long time, several years, it will be very difficult for you to change something - because your partner is used to leaving everything in mind. and he will not understand why you suddenly want this to change!

Do you know the word "how you grow it, how you grow it"? If you accustom your partner to a certain state of affairs in your relationship that doesn't suit you, but you wait too long to say or do something, you've done it with your own hands!

In the end, it is not the decision-maker that is most important in a relationship - but the way these decisions are made, no matter what! Even if one of you has more influence and authority, it is essential to communicate, to share your desires and needs - even if it is something seemingly insignificant, never forget to ask your partner what he thinks! Nothing can be more frustrating than feeling that you don't care in your relationship, that your opinion doesn't matter. So… communication!