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How I Got Out of a Toxic Relationship

better late than never.

By sofiyaPublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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broken glass by @chuttersnap on Unsplash

Toxic relationships need to be filed under the same category as opium drugs.

Days, weeks, months could pass. You could be on the verge of finally leaving, finally quitting, but then they give you the hit that you were craving - they tell you that you look nice. They tell you how much they love you and that they're so sorry for putting you down the other day. They tell you that you're their best friend and that no one else is their for them quite like you. This pulls you through another couple days, weeks, months. You swear you are going to leave this time. You're fed up. That's it. You finally build up the courage to tell them you're leaving, they even let you leave. But then you get a phone call - it's them, crying. "All I had was you...how could you leave me?" they say. So what do you do? You go back, because this is your fault and you're the problem...and so we are back to square one.

I know this cycle all too well.

It took me nearly 3 years to get out of my toxic relationship. I was name called, cheated on multiple times, put down in front of peers, made to feel less than on almost a daily basis, and felt like a babysitter whenever he was intoxicated via alcohol and whatever else.

I never told my friends or family until the very end because I felt that I would be judged for allowing myself to be treated so poorly. My father raised me better than that, I would tell myself. But I was too far gone and too invested in this relationship to leave without any kind of satisfaction: by law of karma, if I am kind then eventually I will receive the kindess back ten fold, I would remind myself. And any other lie I could tell myself to make myself feel a little bit better for not leaving.

I could go on and on about every little thing that happened. Every red flag I saw. Every time I cried into my pillow. Every thing that led me to finally leaving. Instead I will give you a little bit of advice, from personal experience.

My biggest regret: not telling anyone about what I was going through. I truly believe that if I had just picked up the phone and called my friends or walked into the kitchen and told my parents about the emotional abuse I was being put through, that I would have left even just a little bit earlier. I would have been free of toxicity a little bit sooner. I could have returned to being the bright and happy person that I usually was a little bit faster.

Okay, one more regret: staying friends. Yup. We remained friends, on and off for a couple years. We definitely functioned better as non-partners, but I had no trust towards him and I constantly questioned his intentions. So, a toxic relationship became a toxic friendship.

The best advice I can give:

1. Do not be afraid to tell anyone what you are going through. Those who truly love you and care for you will not turn their backs and hold judgments. I can almost guarantee you that saying all of your thoughts out loud will be the wake up call you need to begin the exit out of your toxic relationship. I truly never realized how poorly I was treated and how unhealthy the relationship was between us until I said the words in my head out loud. Speaking to loved ones also gave me comfort in knowing that when I do leave the relationship, I will not be alone.

2. Journal. You do not have to write perfectly, just write. Write out everything that is on your mind. Write out anything you wish you could have said. Write out all your angers, your sorrows, and your fears. Write out what you want your life to be like now that you are no longer attached to a toxic relationship. Just write.

3. Take time for yourself. Everyone heals at their own pace. You are in no way obligated to socialize or pretend you aren't still hurting, and in absolutely no way are you obligated to tell anyone the story of your break-up and have to relive the past over and over again.

And last but not least: you are not alone. You are not the only one who has been through this type of situation, so do not beat yourself up.

Maybe in order for some of us to learn what love is - we must first learn what love is not.

If you are in a physically abusive relationship or fear that your livliehood is in danger please phone the number below: National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−7233

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sofiya

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