How did I get here?

I’ve questioned my existence countless times over the twenty-three thousand days that I’ve inhabited this body. It all began when I was just a twinkle in my parent’s eyes and a longing in their hearts. They wanted what every young couple wanted at that time; a child.

I wasn't an only child, but I was the first, and I would hold that over my brother and sister many times in my younger years.

If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's this; life is full of change; entries, exits and re-entries that bring growth. We all ask the same question many times during our journey; the biggest question of all-Why?

The word why becomes an integral part of our vocabulary at a young age and at first is external to our thoughts, and we use our words to express it.

“Why can’t I eat the dog food? Why does Tommy get to stay up? Why is my pee-pee different from Susie’s?”

These questions and hundreds of others like them are valid and crucial to our early understanding of life in general and our growth as individuals and part of society.

As I’ve stumbled my way from adolescence to my teenage years and onward to young adult and middle age and now to what some call my senior years, the questions have become more complex and primarily internal.

"Why, when I was ten years old, did my father leave and move to a different province?"

“Did he not love us anymore?”

"Why, when I was fifteen, did my first girlfriend break up with me and go out with my friend?"

“Was I ugly and stupid?”

"Why, when I was eighteen and my girlfriend sixteen, did we get pregnant and keep the baby."

"Were we making the mistake of our lives as family and friends had said?"

“Why, when I was twenty-one, did she leave me?”

“Could she not see that I was struggling just as much as her in our new life together?”

“Why, when I was twenty-four, did her and my daughter move in with another man?”

“Did she not see my pain when my little girl called him daddy?”

“Why was my father stricken with the genetic disease, Huntington’s, in his early forties?”

“Would this be my future?”

"Why, when I was twenty-seven, was I given the task of taking care of my father’s funeral?”

“Did my family truly believe that even through my overwhelming grief, I was the right person for the job?"

All of these questions are just a sample of my story, but we all have a story that defines us. Maybe your hard questions are different from mine, but we all have those questions that scar and mold us into who we become as we travel this path.

The scars we accumulate, both external and internal, are there for a reason. They’re there to remind us of the critical moments, and we should learn from them.

Depending on how deep these scars cut us emotionally, we may run away from anything that might make us feel that pain again.

It seems to me now that all the things that hurt me the most, or helped me the most, had one thing in common; Love.

It was a good ten years after the mother of my child left before I let myself fall in love again. I walked away from several relationships over those years because of my fear of being hurt. My mantra at the time was, "I would rather have my legs broken than my heart."

I believe that if you've ever had your heart broken, and I know a lot of us have, you will feel that statement to be true.

I couldn’t bring myself to say or accept those three little words that changed everything.

"I love you" would not leave my lips, and if those words entered my ears, I would run.

I know and understand now the pain my cowardice must have caused in a few women who did not deserve it, and the remorse I feel from running is a scar I carry every day.

I still remember every moment of the night my good friends, a couple, introduced me to their good friend, a beautiful French-Canadian woman.

We enjoyed each other's company, and I felt at ease and comfortable with her immediately. Within a few months, we were in love and living together. She had a great sense of humour and made me laugh but was also very intelligent and well-informed. She could easily discuss anything from classic novels to current events and change my opinions on things with her well-thought-out and proven points.

She had four children and shared custody of them with their father. They were all young, two boys and two girls. The oldest was a daughter, who was eleven when I met her and sixteen when I left.

The relationship started to fall apart when her daughter was fourteen and went quickly downhill from there. For some reason, she started treating the young girl differently and would yell and scream at her for the simplest of things.

After a while, I tried talking to her about it, but she cut me off and with great anger, said the words that changed everything, "I don't care what you think. She's my daughter, not yours."

I stayed for another year because her daughter and I had a good relationship, and I knew I was the only buffer between her and her mother.

It got to the point that her daughter would not come to the house anymore. She was now living full-time with her father, but she would still call me sometimes to talk about her mother or other things like boyfriends.

I left when I was given an ultimatum. Even though she already had four children, she said that she wanted to have another with me and that if I didn't want that, it meant that I didn't love her.

I guess she was right because I left.

We’d bought a van the year before, in my name, which still had several payments remaining. I told her if she wanted to keep the van, she would have to make the remaining payments, which she agreed to.

After two months, she called me and said something that broke my heart and tore at my soul.

She said that if I didn't make the payments, she would tell people that I tried to do things with her daughter.

At first, I was in shock, but then it hit me, she was jealous of her daughter, and that's why she treated her the way she did.

I told her she could do whatever she pleased, but as soon as I hung up the phone, I would be going to visit her ex-husband and her daughter to talk to them about what she had said.

I never heard from her again, but what she said destroyed me in some way. She knew I loved her daughter but not in that way; I loved her as a daughter.

To say I became disheartened with the whole I’m in love thing after that event would be a massive understatement. It rocked me to my core and closed my heart to ever giving in to those three words again.

We all have turning points or re-entry points in our lives. It could be a time that you renewed a broken friendship or rediscovered your long-lost love for reading, or reconciled a rift in your family. All of these things and a basket of others have one thing in common; they signify a change in direction in your life and an understanding that time can change a person.

Everyone and every living thing experiences change as it is a constant in our lives. Our bodies change, our minds change, our friendships and families change because that is life. We have to and need to change in all sorts of ways because without change; there is no growth.

Change and growth sometimes arrive in a surprising package, and you rarely see it coming.

I believe as you get older and look back on your life, you will recognize key moments that changed you somehow and caused you to follow a different fork in the road. They may have seemed like small things, but life is a series of small moments that hold a much greater significance than we thought when they occurred.

The surprising package that changed my mind and my course in life was that young girl.

Several months after the breakup, I ran into her at a shopping plaza, or I should say she ran into me. She literally ran up to me and jumped into my arms.

I’d never told her what her mother said, fearing what it would do to their relationship, and I hadn't spoken to her since shortly after I left.

We sat and had coffee together at the food court, where she asked me the big question; why?

I told her about the wanting a baby thing, and she understood. She told me that she really missed me and that her mother was living with some other guy now and that she seemed happy.

Then she asked me if I was with someone now, to which I replied,

“No, I’m not interested in getting that involved again. I’m happy being single, plus I don’t think I could take getting my heart stomped on again.”

That young girl, who was not yet eighteen at the time, but is a grown woman with children of her own now, talked to me with an understanding of life that was way beyond her years.

She told me how unhappy it made her feel to hear me talk like that.

She said, "Why? Why would you close your heart like that? That's not you. Aren't you the same person that always told me to go after what I want, whatever makes me happy, and never to give up? You used to say if I get knocked down, stand back up, dust myself off and get back to it. You’re a good person who has so much love to give; please promise me that you won’t close yourself off from receiving that love back. The right person for you is out there, so do what you told me; dust yourself off and let them find you.”

I had tears of pride in my eyes as I hugged her and said goodbye that day. I know it was the pride a father feels for his daughter.

A few months after that meeting, with her words echoing in my mind, I flew to China to install some machinery for the company I worked for.

We never know when a moment will appear that changes our life, but for me, that moment came while I was on that trip. That's when I met her.

I jumped at the opportunity when my boss asked me to join our control tech, John, on a trip to China to install some machinery in Guangzhou. Before this trip, I'd never travelled outside the U.S. and Canada and was elated at the chance to travel to such a faraway exotic place.

I would fly from Toronto to Vancouver, then to Hong Kong and then to Guangzhou, China, a 29 hour trip from home to the hotel. By the time we landed in Guangzhou, I’d decided I would never do this again.

On our fifth day working at the factory, which was Friday the 13th, our Chinese contacts took us out for dinner and drinks after work. John was not a drinker, but our Chinese friends kept making toasts and doing shots of a drink called "Baijiu," a potent traditional Chinese cocktail. John had several of these drinks, as he didn’t want to offend our Chinese friends. Concerned for him, I quietly spoke to William, our primary contact, telling him that I needed to get John back to the hotel.

We’d started eating and drinking at about 6 pm, and it was close to 11 pm when William put us in a cab, giving the driver instructions to bring us to the White Swan Hotel.

When we arrived at the hotel, John said he was feeling sick and decided to go up to his room and sleep. I bid goodnight to him and did a little shopping on the tourist strip across from the "White Swan" before heading back to see if I could get a drink somewhere in the hotel.

The front desk clerk informed me, several places were still open and serving alcohol. There was a snooker room downstairs and two bars and a nightclub upstairs. The nightclub was open until 2 am and was featuring live music and dancing. I decided to go to my room, clean up and change, and then go to the nightclub for some drinks and live music.

Twenty minutes later, I entered the "River Club" too loud rock and roll music, which surprised me. Straight ahead were the dance floor and main bar, both of which looked crowded.

Just inside the door, to my left, a small raised area overlooked the dance floor with a reserved sign in front of it. The raised area had six or seven small tables. All of the tables were empty except the one closest to the dance floor rail, which had two Asian women sitting at it.

Surveying the crowded club for a place to sit, I couldn't see any other western faces and decided to try and stake out a place at the bar to watch the band and have a couple of Chinese beers.

The area I stood in was loud with the slamming down of glasses and yelling of four guys sitting at a table close to the bar. It looked like they were trying to see who could drink the most "Baijiu" in the shortest amount of time. These guys were becoming exceedingly annoying, so I decided to take my beer back to the small raised area, drink them quickly and leave.

The small raised area was still empty, but for the two women sitting by the rail, so I decided to sit at the open table closest to the door and finish my beer. Shortly after I sat down, one of the ladies came to my table and politely said, "Sorry, sir, but this area is reserved; our friends will be arriving soon." I smiled up at her from my seat and pleaded, "Would it be ok if I stay for just a little while? I just want to quickly finish my beer before going down to my room. I promise I'll leave if anyone needs the seat." The lady smiled back and said, "Yes, that would be ok," and returned to sit with her friend.

There was something about this woman that made me feel comfortable, and I smiled as I noticed her stealing glances at me from her table.

The band was finishing up a slow Chinese song when I sat down and when the song ended, the singer announced that they would be taking a break and would be back to do their final set in fifteen minutes.

The band left the stage and went to the bar, except for the young male singer who came to the raised area and sat down beside one of the ladies, who seemed much older than the other.

When the singer came to their table, I noticed the younger lady, who’d spoken to me, moved away to sit by herself and seemed uncomfortable as she waited for the singer to leave.

Feeling uncomfortable for her as this scenario played out, and with the courage I had from the several drinks that night, I ordered a bottle of red wine delivered to her. When the server returned with the wine and walked directly to the older woman, I stood up and said, "Sorry, but the wine is for this Woman," as I pointed at the younger lady sitting alone. The server apologized and placed the bottle on the correct table. She looked at the waiter, surprised at first, and then accepted the wine before turning and gracing me with a smile that took my breath away.

That smile lit up her face and showed her natural beauty to me. Thinking this must be one of those moments you read in novels or see in movies, I felt Goosebumps rise on my arms as I smiled back and raised my glass to her.

I was smitten.

Shortly after the wine was delivered, the singer returned to the stage, and the women returned to sitting together. I could see them glancing my way and speaking low to each other.

After a few minutes, the younger lady stood and came to my table with the bottle of wine in her hand.

She was blushing slightly as she thanked me for the wine and, to my surprise, asked if I would like to share it with her. Not believing this was happening, I said, "Yes, I would like that very much," before standing and pulling out a chair for her to sit.

When she sat, I poured the wine for us and introduced myself, "Hello, Nice to meet you. I'm Gerald from Canada."

She smiled and replied, "Hi" "I'm Lina from here."

I joked, "From the White Swan Hotel?"

She laughed and said, "From Guangzhou."

She was a beautiful woman, maybe a few years younger than me, and although her English was not perfect and my Chinese was non-existent, we talked until the club was closing and the wine finished. We agreed to meet again and exchanged phone numbers before I took her hand in mine and kissed it, saying, "It's been a pleasure to meet you, Lina. I look forward to seeing you again".

I could see the future in her eyes when she graced me with that smile again and said, "Thank you, Gerald, I've really enjoyed your company, and I hope I see you again before you return to Canada."

As I look back on it now, I know that everything that happened before that night, all the scars that I’d accumulated on my heart from failed relationships and words spoken in anger, led me to that moment in time; The moment my course was changed.

I know it’s cliché to say the stars aligned, but that's the way it feels to me.

So many things happened that led me to that bar in China at that exact time, with a heart opened to feeling by that young girl; it almost makes me believe in destiny.

That night, Friday, September 13th, happened almost twenty years ago and changed my life. Some people still call me “lucky man” because of that day, but I genuinely believe there was more than luck at play on that night, in that bar, halfway around the world.

Lina and I were married five months after we met and have been happily married now for nineteen years and counting.

She immigrated to Canada a year after the wedding, and a year after that, we ran into that young girl while shopping at a local store.

She was working part-time as a cashier while attending college and just happened to be working on the night we walked in.

I remember introducing them and feeling that everything was how it should be as I watched the two women, who had so profoundly changed my life, happily hug each other.

I will never forget the look on that young girl's face as we said our goodbyes that night. Her eyes told me how happy she was for me, while her grin said, "I told you so.”