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Hollow heart

by Karma 7 days ago in breakups

Our chapter

Hollow heart

The memory of you is like reliving a bad dream over and over. It’s one of those bad dreams that starts out seemingly good yet, you can feel the ominous nature of something bad lurking. Something horrible approaching.

I have found myself in some of my darkest places trying to get past you. Forgetting you, is unexpectedly heartbreaking. When I first met you I never thought it would go past that day. I didn’t think I would ever see you again. I thought you just wanted to be friends.

Then a week later you came by again. And that’s where we began. Play fighting, holding hands. Our first kiss, you asked if you could kiss me and it that meant so much to me. What I’m used to is so different than who you showed me. And you’d hold me tonight and politely ask to stay the night. After staying up night after night I wanted so bad for you to mine. Dancing in the dark, drinking and making love. Me, telling you to shut up remind you that you talk too much

Now, I pretend I’m fine. I pretend you didn’t feel like home, I pretend I’m okay being alone, like I’m okay with you being gone. I fell in love knowing you never wanted us. I have so much knowing I wasn’t the one.

Sweet or cruel? Which version will I get of you? Will I cry as I drive home tonight? Because we’ve had another fight? Will I drive home confused at where I stand with you?

The feeling felt familiar. Like someone I had before. Unstable and inconsistent. It was right in front of my face and I fucking missed it. Friends talking in my ear but I wouldn’t listen.

Cause you were what I was missin you kept it interesting. We talked about everything. I told you so much. I wish I would’ve kept my mouth shut. Maybe I said too much. I opened up and it’s messed up that it feels like a mistake.

Making love on the couch and in the kitchen. The feeling was the same but it felt different. I’m trippin. Our story was never meant to be written. But I’m staring at my ceiling wondering why we did this.

Night after night you’d come over. Talking for hours about life and what we been through. We talked about our passions and what we love to do.

My thoughts are all over and it’s hard to control them. I notice every difference if I’m close to you

You started showing me something new. I didn’t know what to do. I was so used to the old you. I wish I never told you the truth. About what I was going through

Had a feeling where this was going, should’ve stopped it.

I find you, in every word of my favorite songs. I cry in my car when I pass our favorite places. And I hate it. That I can’t replace you. Even though I’ve tried to. I ignore you even though it’s hard to cause I want you. But my heart knows there must be better for me than you.

Even though opening up again is something I can’t stand to do. Not after you. Who’s going to touch me like you or love me like you? Or trust me like you do? Fuss and fight and still want me like you do? I blocked out the whole world for you. But I was just an option for you. Struggling to accept the reality of what we were. Trying to match your words to what you do has got me so confused.

I search for the words to say I miss you. It doesn’t feel right anymore. It doesn’t feel like it’s worth all the fights anymore. I miss you but I don’t want this anymore. One of the hardest things I’ve had to do is move on from you while I’m still in love with you. I wish you could’ve been what I needed. I wanted so badly to be wrong about you...

Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'

See all posts by Karma