Hitting Forty (Part 5)

She was shocked when she saw Lucas completely naked, on top of their next door neighbor. She saw red, ran to her bedroom and got the gun from the nightstand. She headed back to Eric’s room, ran into Lucas in the hallway, and shot at him. The neighbor, Lisa, ran away completely naked, back to her house. I’m sure she didn’t tell her husband what happened when he got home from his business trip. Well, Joyce went to jail for two nights, and Lucas lost a finger. When he was released from the hospital, he went and bailed Joyce out of jail, and brought her home. They are still together, and I have no idea how. I guess nobody can explain what love can do to people.

What kind of marriage would I have? I was suspecting I would have to find a man who is not monogamous. I do not want to be wondering how long it will take before he cheats. Isn’t it better that we just have an open marriage? I would have to look into this, it sounds like my only option if I ever wanted marriage. I guess I better hurry it up, forty was fast approaching. I really do not want to still be alone at forty.

The tan guy in the white shorts, Bruce, had left a couple of hours ago. I was sitting still at the beach, watching the sun set over the waves, listening to my music and pondering all this when I saw that Bruce was back. He had changed, and now was wearing jeans and a blue t-shirt. He offered me his hand and helped me up. He led me to a fire pit; there were about five people there. He introduced me to them, and offered me a seat next to him around the pit. It was a good evening; I met new people, roasted marshmallows and hot dogs while they discussed books. Then two of the guys played guitar as we all sang along. It was a good day.

After that night, the thoughts of my life became more urgent. I needed to change something. Just like my mom told Joyce, if I wasn’t happy with my situation, I needed to change it. The problem is that I keep forgetting that I have the power to do so. So now I will be going off to the Army, and seeing what that brings. It will have to bring big changes in my life, I also need to make sure those changes are good. I can’t believe I signed up for this! I did my entrance exam and went to the medical checkups (MEPS). I just had to wait until the school semester is over, and I would ship out to basic training. This is huge! I was right under the cutoff age, so I was wondering if I would be the oldest private in training. It would not be easy, but it will be worth it. I finally will be doing something I feel proud of.

I do not know what possessed me to go to church that Sunday. I guess it was because I was getting myself prepared for the Army. I had no idea what it would be like, but I was sure I would be a changed person. That worried me a little, so I was trying to get all my ducks in a row before leaving. I thought visiting church would be a good thing; I had not been there since I left home. My mom had always been the one to guilt me into it. I wasn’t sure I liked it or agreed with it. I believe in God, and I know I am a Christian, but Catholic Church? It seemed so outdated; it made me feel almost ashamed of being a woman. The ideas they put in my head were so terrible. If I was a woman, I was not allowed to have sex before marriage, no mention of the men. If I was a woman, I was only allowed sex for procreation purposes, and if I enjoyed it, I’d go to hell. If a man sinned, it was usually caused by a woman. At least that is what I gathered from all the sermons. Maybe it was the way I interpreted what was taught to me, maybe it was the way the sermon was put together.

As I walked in, and smelled the scent of the wood and incense, I immediately remembered that old feeling. I felt enveloped in a safe and calm place. There was a heavy deep silence, and I walked in and sat in a pew towards the back of the church. I was praying for things to go well with me, and that the Army would be a good choice. I was then distracted and my mind wandered, when I felt someone walk up to me. As I looked up I could hardly believe my eyes; I got up immediately. It was Neil! Neil, my childhood friend. I had not seen him since I was about fourteen. I lost track of him when his parents took him to another school. I kept staring in disbelief, he was gorgeous. I remembered his beautiful soft eyes, and his soft round cheeks, that sweet smile of his. He had always been good to me; we spent a lot of time together.

I still remember when I came back from a summer trip with my parents. I had come back to school, and had not seen Neil since school let out for the summer. He had grown so much! He had now a little bit of facial hair, and when he took my hand to go into the classroom, his hand had now been wide and thick. I pulled my hand away, I was a little surprised. We had looked at each other, and I said it.

“You are a guy, how dare you turn into a guy!”

I kept looking for his freckles and peach fuzz. After that moment, I took his hand back and we walked into the school. I then felt more self conscious and nervous around him. This had been my best friend, how dare he turn into a guy. It was all coming back to me as he stood there, dressed in black; a priest! How did I miss this? What happened? I felt awful remembering our first kiss, a first for us both. He was the measure for all the kisses that followed, and none came close. And now, a priest? I wanted so badly to hug him, but his priest’s clothes made me feel like I’d burn in hell for it. I extended my hand to him and smiled. He pulled me in and gave me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. I jumped back, and told him, “We’ll go to hell, behave!” He laughed and said he was so happy to see his best friend again.

We walked outside and sat in the church garden, sat on a bench and talked for a long time. We caught up on old times, and what had happened since. He said he had always loved me, and he had missed me so much. He also said he had not looked for me, because it would mean the end of his career. That made my heart flutter, and I suddenly had the feeling that I was playing with fire. It both excited me and frightened me. I told him about my plans, and told him I was shipping out to Basic in a few months. He said he was excited for me, and thought I would do great. I told him that one thing was bothering me. If I joined the Army, I would be trained to kill the enemy, would I end up going to hell? He said no, of course not, the Army has Chaplains, and I should go to church on Sundays while I am there; talk to them if I have any concerns. He said soldiers are like angels, they put their lives in danger for others. And that, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” If I went to war, I would be putting my life on the line for other people, and that would be a selfless loving thing to do.

Neil then told me that he was glad I was leaving, because then his heart would not be yearning for me, knowing that I am so close and yet so far. I felt that strange pang again, and I wanted him more than ever at this moment. I will never forget the feeling of wanting what you cannot have, more than anything in this world. I felt like I would burn inside if I didn’t have him in my arms now. We seem to have had the same feelings, because we both got up right away. We walked back towards the garden gate, before Neil opened the gate, he hugged me goodbye. I accidentally, on a sudden impulse gave him a soft kiss on his neck. He pulled back and looked in my eyes. It felt like his black eyes were looking straight into my soul, and I shivered. I felt like I froze there, in time and space. Nothing else mattered in that precise moment. I was starting to think he was angry at me, because he had gotten so serious and totally quiet. Neil pushed me back and against the wall next to the gate.