The first time I saw him in person, I walked by him on purpose. What was I doing here? I’d made plans to meet up with him knowing I only saw him as a friend, but suspecting he wanted more. I was married. He was in a long term relationship with the mother of his two kids. We could be nothing more than friends. So I walked by when I realized he either hadn’t seen me, or didn’t recognize me. We’ll call him Jay.
Fast forward a few drinks and coy messages back and forth. “Where are you? I can’t find you.” I knew exactly where Jay was. I’d watched him walk by more than once, each time becoming more and more attracted to him. I finally caved. I walked over and gave him the most awkward hug. We hung out, talked, laughed, drank. He finally pulled me into the crowd away from my friends. We danced. I turned around, and we kissed. The kind of kiss that you feel all the way down to your ankles. Suddenly, my wedding ring felt like it was both on fire and weighed 100 pounds. But I didn’t want to stop. I wanted more. I wanted him.
I knew I should stop. But I couldn’t. So I left my husband instead. Asked for a divorce, he moved out, we put the house on the market, and I was happy. But then I started finding things out. His “ex” was still living with him. He was cheating on both of us. So I took my husband back. That was my mistake. I knew I was no longer in love with my husband. I was in love with Jay. We had to make this work.
I got pregnant 5 months after meeting Jay. I knew the baby was his, but I panicked. I was grateful that I’d slept with my husband once around the right time to make him believe my daughter was his. That was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and the beginning of the end with Jay. He forgave me, and gave me a chance to make it right. I tried to, but I got halfway and backed out. It took him over a year of chances. Second chances. Third chances. And he finally gave up on me.
I’m alone. I’m in love with the man that I hurt more than anyone. He won’t see me. Will barely respond to messages. And I don’t even blame him. I refused to follow my heart and broke both of ours. Always follow your heart.
I love you, Jay 🖤