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Here’s Why I’m Actually Glad that My Honeymoon Phase Is Over
This might be controversial, but in every relationship I am in, I cannot wait for the honeymoon phase to be over.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, and have definitely left the honeymooning period. When he doesn’t put the seat down, I no longer find his forgetfulness endearing, and when I make us 30 minutes late *again* because I took too long getting ready, he no longer thinks it cute that I care so much about my winged liner being perfect.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the first time you start to fall in love; the first year of my relationship with current partner, Tyler, was wonderful. There is something extraordinary about holding someone’s hand for the first time and all the butterflies in your stomach light up more than usual, like they have just taken a bunch of pre-workout. There is such magic in the sharing your first big moments and milestones — and let’s be honest, the sex — that make the beginning of a relationship seem so perfect. But, in my experience, the first months of a new relationship are ever-so-slightly fogged by idealisms and projections that sometimes, your partner can’t live up to. It’s so hard to see the red flags or even your incompatible differences when it feels like you’re both wearing love blinders.
So after you’ve gotten comfortable, what comes next?
With Trust Comes Security
It takes time to build a relationship with someone, and I believe all the best ones are built on strong friendships. For the record, I am not telling you that you should make a move on your platonic BFF of 10 years...I mean, unless it works for both of you?
Many of the things I look for in a partner are very similar to the things I look for in a friend; I hope that my boyfriends can provide emotional support, companionship, comfort, etc. while also bringing a *unique* element to our relationship (sex, I am talking about sex).
Once you’ve established a friendship over the beginning months of your relationship, you are able to really trust this person with all of your being. And that’s when the post-honeymoon phase kicks in and where all the really great, meaningful stuff happens — not to say you don’t experience this beforehand.
Your love feels a little more solid and secure. You know your partner’s quirks, likes, and dislikes. You’ve solidified how you communicate, give and receive love, and so on.
When you feel truly safe with someone after spending all that time with them, it opens up some channels you didn’t know were there beforehand. So when Tyler and I finally exited our honeymoon phase, we felt like we knew each other well, and decided to take it a step further and really explore each other, both mentally and physically.
Better Communication is Key
Having these as foundational elements allows Tyler and me to be more in-tune with each other’s emotions. He and I have always been very good at communicating, but sometimes, there are things in life that make talking about your feelings really hard. Even when words are hard, I am better able to meet his needs as a partner now that I know him so well and we are out of the puppy love moments.
More so, during the honeymoon phase, I think many people lead in their relationships with an “enthusiastic yes” to all new experiences with their partner. I think challenging your norms and saying yes to new things is amazing, but sometimes can end in sticky situations.
Luckily, all of my partners have been great at talking through their wants or asks, and have listened openly to my responses without judgement. Taking the time to really learn what people’s values and convictions are can allow you to better communicate. And while the learning happens in the honeymoon phase, I think the best way to see strong communication in-action is by seeing the way couples interact once the rose colored glasses have faded a bit.
Once you’ve taken the time to lay the foundations of a relationship, it opens tons of opportunities to discover new parts of yourself, both alone and within your relationship. Tyler and I have always had great chemistry; not to toot our own horns, but we are able to bring our communication skills into the bedroom. Finding what worked for both of us was never a concern, but in the early stages of our relationship, I think we needed just our two bodies to build trust and a deeper connection. For some people, this is really easy sexually, but for me, it took a bit of time.
It takes a while for me to really open up to someone in all aspects. I think with each new sexual experience, I am dipping further into the water until I am fully submerged. When I have that unconditional trust and security, I am able to be a little more loose and experimental with my partners.
Thanks in part to Ty, I can now say I am more confident than I was before we started dating, and we have been able to get to know each other better sexually now that we have been able to move past the honeymoon phase and that “me and you” mentality. Now, we have gotten into a “Me, you, and the Tiani 3” mentality.
After we had really gotten to know each other in the bedroom and felt really strong in our ability to ask for new things, Tyler and I had a discussion about expanding our reach to incorporate toys into our sex life. I am not one to shy away from trying something new;. I had my own sex toys, but have never really used any with a partner before.
We found the LELO Tiani 3 through a recommendation from a friend, which was (quite literally) the perfect fit. We wanted to get a toy that both of us could experience — preferably simultaneously. This toy allows us to both feel it at one time; as corny as it sounds, having an additional factor bringing us together when we are at our most vulnerable and intimate is a mind-blowing experience… and it makes for a mind-blowing orgasm as well. The 8 settings allows us to add a little variety to our sex life as well, bringing in a whole new meaning to “good vibrations.”
I couldn’t imagine in a million years bringing a sex toy like the Tiani 3 into my bedroom during my honeymoon phase; I also don’t know if I would even have been confident enough to try it without first creating the bond that Tyler and I have now.
The Same Love, but Different
I have loved every part of my relationship with Tyler, but something about where we are at now feels so right..
In our years of dating, I have been able to learn and apply practices for being a better partner, specifically to him. I am a better listener; and honestly, I think I am a better person. Being able to love someone and know them as intimately as I do Tyler has been one of the greatest joys of my life to date.
I still get butterflies. I am still learning new things about him everyday. But where we are now, without the puppy love blinders, allows me to see him and myself in all our flaws and grow from them.
And to my readers — I wish you the best in your next post-honeymoon phase. I hope it is as sweet as mine.