Here's What You Want To Avoid Your Partner Saying: "They Forget Everything I Say"

"You seriously forget everything I say."

"I swear you don't listen to me."

And then comes the eventual,

"I'm convinced you don't care about me."

All this assumption, argument and confusion over the fact you forgot a small detail about your partner's life.

Ok, perhaps it wasn't small. Forgetting to ask how her career-changing presentation at work went, considering she spent the last two weeks stressing over it, doesn't look great.

To the men out there dating women like me, I know you feel screwed. I'm sympathetic to my exes, because I know I've said this to them a few thousand times. And I know their looks of frustration were masking confusion.

How would they ever get it right?

It's easy to write off the woman saying this to you as crazy, neurotic and demanding. Yeah, I've heard that a few times before. But your woman is trying their hardest to tell you something.

Let's break this down. 

This is what they're really saying to you, and my advice to you on how to show your partner how much you care (and that you are listening to her).

Memory is important

I don't blame you for thinking memory isn't one of those important features of a romantic relationship. It's not exactly making the headlines of romantic movies.

It's also not up there with issues of distrust, cheating and duping your spouse. If you were writing the next romantic fantasy novel, a reader wouldn't make it past the first page.

So you're forgiven for not prioritising memory in your interactions.

But just because it's not a sexy attribute of a relationship doesn't mean it's not important or something you should work on.

People in your life want you to remember things about them. It's a way of showing them that you care.

Memory = caring

If you remember aspects of what your partner is saying and doing, it shows:

• You're listening to what they say - basic listening is the same as memory
• You care enough to retain this information - they come first in your life
• You value what they say - you've retained the information about them so they must be important to you
• You give your partner worth in your life - it shows them how you prioritise this information about them over other areas of your life
• It scores you brownie points - you know what their favourite chocolate is, you know how to cheer them up after a long day at work

The problem with forgetting

If you don't feel convinced by the idea of remembering things about your partner, let's look at the alternative. Forgetting.

Everyone forgets. It's part of being a human being. But failing to remember things about your partner, important aspects of their life, can end up unravelling your relationship during tense times. It can:

• Lead to an argument about tit for tat - Who remembers what, who forgot what, etc.
• You don't learn from experiences - when you forget what happens or what your partner says, you make the same mistakes in your relationship

• Annoy your partner - If your relationship is already on edge, something small like this tips the balance of frustration
• Make the basics hard to do - Sometimes you don't know how badly forgetting affects your partner until you do it. Life with them grows more challenging as they struggle to trust, confide, and want to be with you. It has an impact on every facet of your relationship.

What this isn't about is punishment. 

You forget something, so your partner argues with you, abstains from you or puts you in the emotional freezer.

That's when the forgetting in your relationship has gone too far. That's when you keep forgetting and don't do anything to rectify the situation.

So, what can you do?

Your memory only gets worse with time. Yeah, we're kind of screwed like that. If you're struggling with it from a cognitive point of view, this situation isn't going to get better.

But let's face it; this isn't an issue of someone forgetting because they have medical memory problems. If it is, by the way, I suggest seeking professional advice and treatment.

For everyone else, this is a situation of training yourself to be more present during everyday life. Here's how:

• Put your phone down during conversations - You walk around with a constant distraction that buzzes, rings and draws you in. With one phone call and one unexpected text message, bye-bye the attention you give your partner. And what they're saying. You compromise your ability to remember if you let a distraction remain in the mix.
• Avoid multitasking - If your partner wants to talk about something you need to remember, don't do it during a time when you have another priority task. Even something like cooking pulls your focus elsewhere. You're too worried about burning the chicken, you don't retain what your partner says.
• Set times to talk about memorable issues - If one of your partner's gripes is your memory about their work situation, set aside dedicated time to talk about this topic. Treat these topics like vitamins you're missing in your diet. Take extra time to make up for your deficiency.
• Establish drinking rules - Let's face it, alcohol and memory don't go hand in hand. If your partner tells you important things to remember whilst under the influence, you're both set up to fail. Alcohol impairs memory. It's important to establish boundaries about expectations during those times.
• Ask your partner to put it in your diary - If you both need to remember dates and times, there's nothing to say your partner and you can't work together on putting dates in your diary. It's not you versus them. A little teamwork wouldn't hurt the cause.
• Marry your diary - If your memory suffers, keep a diary. Not only does it help you stay accountable with important information, but it also shows your partner you're trying. They can't expect perfection, but they can expect you to try.

Bonus tip: Show them you remember

You're not an idiot. You don't have the memory of a colander.

Sometimes you remember, and you remember well, but your partner doesn't acknowledge these times. They only concentrate on when you get it wrong rather than all those moments you get it right.

Avoid playing tit for tat in this scenario. But don't avoid showing how much you remember.

It's not fair if you take all the blame when your partner is equally to blame too.

Memory Bias

We always want to control what other people remember about us. They want to remember everything good we did. And forget everything bad we did.

We want our partner to remember us when we're feeling sad, but forget us when we're playing up. It's memory bias, and we all have some in varying parts of our relationship. 

In terms of other people's memory, here's what we need to acknowledge: 

• What we can't control is how people remember us
• We don't own the memory of others
• When your partner tells you to remember, improve your memory, to pick and choose what you remember about them, it's an impossible request. They can't control our memory. 

I know, right, sounds kind of counterintuitive after all the begging, pleading and advice I just gave on behalf of your other half.

Yet, the reality is that everything has to come from you.

You have to want to improve this side of your relationship. If you want it, you will work. But if you don't, that's significant in itself.

Don't ignore what this unwillingness means.

We're not perfect

I wish I could say that I remember everything. My memory is becoming less reliable as I age.

Memories are destined to fade, not to mention the memories buried deep in my sub-conscience. I'm human. The people I love are human.

It's only human to forget.

But that doesn't mean we can't work on our memory, especially with the people we love. It doesn't mean we can lean on this excuse when we let them down.

If we could remember a little more, if we forgot a little less, our relationships might survive a little longer.