Her response 2 Your Letter

A great deal of my life has been molded around never letting the world see your emotions as a man. Yeah, today we see more men tapping into their mental health, but as men, we still have to be careful as to who we give our most valuable information.

I received a call from a frustrated friend some time ago and he started with, “let me ask you something”. When he starts our conversation like this, he mind is made up, he’s just checking for confirmation. He goes in about how he is venting to this woman (who he felt to be vulnerable) and she replies with a “case study” response.

A vast majority of these “case studies” didn’t have the black culture in mind and so to give a response based on a “case study” confirms two things! 1. She wasn’t really listening 2. This was clearly not the time to show him how well-read she was on a social subject that didn’t even consider the socialization of black people! Stay away from the “yearbook” answer on this one and dig into your culture and try being there for a second! SMH

I can count the few times I tried to vent and was hit with a similar response or it was later used against me with efforts to take a crack at my defenses in the heat of a disagreement.

If the goal of a woman is to never explore the inner thoughts of a man, she is doing a good job when she uses a glimpse of his invulnerability against him at anytime during his life!

It is the very reason why most men don’t seek counseling or mental help. The landscape is changing. More men are being very selective as to who they open up with. My advice is to keep it professional at all times. Venting to your wife, a woman who has not proven herself (true friend or romantically) can even be dangerous at times.

I say go to a male professional because only a male can understand what a male is going through in life. Anyone else is unqualified! Even going to your best friend may be shaky at times. My friends come to me, they know that my listening skills are solid and I knew when to say something and I know when to just sit there and be quiet.

The biggest mistake a listener can do is respond! When most men vent, we don’t vent for resolution, we vent to release and without fear of judgement!

What most women don’t understand and may never understand is men will appreciate your help, without helping, but just being there! This method is severely missed in relationships today and probably one of the top three causes of divorce.

It is the communication where the listener is there to respond and not to relieve.

So I ask my friend what could she have done better in the situation. His response was all she had to do was reply without giving me statistical data and comparing my personal problem with the status quo’s idea of social being.

No one has studied black men enough to understand our perspective or our personal problems. Instead of listening to the man and identifying with his community set backs, there’s always a need to respond with clinical studies and evidence. That is not us and that is not the way we live!

I encourage black women to open up and listen to black men. Yeah, we have not been dealt a fair hand in life, so we aren’t looking for empathy. We are looking for partners to organically strategize, and bill with us!