No seriously, I think I need help. Here I am at 43 years old, 3 children, 2 divorces, a wonderful boyfriend and a full time job in education. Why am I not satisfied??
I don't know where my life is going but I think if it carries on like this I may lose the plot completely and do something stupid. Not life threatening stupid, but maybe life altering. How do people cope with the urge to run away and just not do it? I feel like I have been fighting this for so long and I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can suppress it...
The divorces were both a good thing, although it took me a while to see how the second one was a positive. It seems I had a bit of a thing for older men. My first husband was 21 years older than me and whilst we were happy for a while, he was very controlling and so ultimately it was a toxic marriage. That said, I did get my children from it though, so I can't regret it. The second marriage was a rebound relationship which snowballed into a marriage. I should've been better at noticing the controlling signs but wasn't. I was so completely in love that I allowed myself to be put in positions I wasn't comfortable with as well as being financially crippled. When he left me for another women I was bereft and for a while I didn't see how I would continue, but once the shock wore off I began to feel free and saw how much better life could be on my own. I even started dating again!
I love my children with all my heart but they are driving me nuts with all the constant demands. For context, they are late teens and early twenties, so not little children who require full time supervision. They all still live at home, which I am fine with, I just wish they would help out more. Maybe do their own washing, clean the dishes, or even just put them in the kitchen!! Is this my fault? Have I made them too reliant on me? Have I ruined them for their future partners by being too soft? Maybe I just need to be a stricter parent? Then again, I resented how strict my stepdad was and how little my mum intervened, so maybe that's why I let them get away with so much?
My calming influence comes in the form of my boyfriend (he hates that term, as he says we're too old to be boyfriend and girlfriend!) He brings me back down to earth when I have lost the plot over unwashed dishes or unpaid maintenance. He is an amazingly generous person financially but more importantly, he is generous with his time and would do anything for anyone. We have done more as a couple in our time together than I ever did in the previous 20 years, so why am I not content? Fundamentally, we want the same things out of life but our biggest difference is that I am a very tactile person and he is anything but. I don't mean just little things like holding hands, but everything from kisses (the most I get are pecks) to actually having sex (2/3 times a month at best). I feel like I'm being emotionally starved and I'm worried that I will end up looking elsewhere for affection and ultimately destroy the one relationship in my life that is most stable.
I know that I should just shut up whining and accept that I have a fantastic boyfriend who loves me in his way... but I also feel that I am dying a bit inside each day as I feel rejected by the lack of physical contact. As we were travelling home the other day I realised that whilst he would lean over and stroke the dog, he never made a move to hold my hand or touch my arm. The dog gets more affection from him than I do!!
I do love him, though, and I know he makes me a better person, so why do I still think about messing around with someone else? Why can't I stop being a bitch and just accept things the way they are? Why do I feel like running away?