Heart

I hate that you’re occupying my brain. Consuming my thoughts. The good times haunt me as if they were real. 
My heart is begging me to stop the replay but my mind won’t quit. 
Your world was illuminated so much that you never noticed the shadows. You never saw me. You never saw the hurt you caused from your form of cruel love. 

What I wanted was pure. No amount of money could ever buy the things I wanted or needed from you. It seemed so easy to give, yet the struggle to make you understand was unbearable. 

Your words hurt more than the physical abuse, when I tried to walk away you tried to still take you thought was yours. 

I just wanted you to love me. I just wanted you to care about me. I didn’t want to just fade away but when it was happening you didn’t even notice. You weren’t there when I needed you, you were only there when it was convenient for you. 

I always thought that if and when I gave you what you wanted that you would appreciate me, respect me and yes finally, love me. I don’t know how I could be so wrong, I don’t know how I could have mistaken your grooming me for love. I should have saw it coming - I guess it’s true what they say, Love is blind.

You were never blinded, because you were never in love. You ran away to get drunk when I was pregnant… when I needed you because I was hopped up on hormones, Because my mind was toxic and against me. You needed to wait a day but I was too much to handle. Miscarriage after miscarriage where were you? Watching football with your friends… Cheering, eating, and drinking in the living room while I had to let go of everything I tried so hard to hold on to.. in the bath tub. I watched everything I thought would make you love me go down the drain. 

I begged you for effort, for an ounce of something, anything… But it was too much for you to handle. 

Sitting there thinking I didn’t try, I didn’t put the work in. I waited until you shattered me into pieces. Convincing me I was garbage, my only reason of being “acceptable” was because I was with you? Saying you loved me got replaced with calling me a “Slut”. I still remember the day you came back from a bachelor party and complimented the hired entertainment because in-between the spankings they also gave massages… SHE was the entrepreneur.

It was never me you wanted. It was never me you saw. You’d rather bury me in insults and obligations than even try to see me.


Now i live in the ground and you are still sitting on your perch in the house I never wanted but made into a home. Surrounded by the only babies I could give you. You stole the only family I grew. You stole my memories. You stole my heart and continue to hold it hostage - for what purpose? What more can you take from me? What more do you want? What more can I fail at giving you? 

I never got to say goodbye to my boys. I never got to tell them that i love them. To hold them one more time, to tell them that they are forever the best boys in the world.

You always assumed that you found me, that you made me what I am - that I was only who I was — WHO I AM because of you. 

But the truth is…

I lost myself in loving you.