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by Sara Caramella 2 months ago in dating
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Facing My Own Toxicity

Photo by William Farlow on Unsplash

Healing is hard. Healing hurts. Healing is not simple or fun. Healing and I mean, TRULY healing and growing requires you to take accountability for your past, your actions and your current impact on yourself and others. But I am not here to lecture you, I am here to be vulnerable. I am violently self aware most days and this specific incidence hit me right in the gut. What I share might make you change your view of me but this is a part of my true healing.. being vulnerable and sharing my missteps as well as my wins.

I have been "talking" to someone and the other day they stopped texting me back. I felt really weird about it and instantly had to check myself. No one and I mean NO ONE owes your a response, a text or anything.. ever. So I got over that hurdle and then a few hours passed... I was drinking and I started to feel really low and down on myself.. like I had somehow offended them or hurt them or annoyed them.. even though they constantly re assure me that I am not too much for them. I started to notice what was coming up for me when I was overthinking a situation that did not need that. I noticed that I felt hurt because it was like I didn't matter to them and I felt I needed to "do something". Think.. "self sabotage". I once again, had to stop myself and ask myself "what the hell are you thinking?"

As I was thinking about ruining one of the better things that has happened to me recently, it dawned on me.. They had communicated a couple days before that Thursday was the day they were going out with friends and would text/call when they got home. I instantly felt better. I had now figured out that nobody owes me a response and that they had openly communicated with me. I ended up enjoying the rest of the night with a really great friend. I got to bed early-ish (for me, so before 4am) and still hadn't heard from this person but I knew they would reach out, if they wanted too.

What did I wake up to? 2 texts and a missed call. They had gotten in late and still wanted to talk. It wasn't me. It was their norm and I needed to change my perspective on it. Since this happened, I have done a lot more introspection and realized that I have been the major contributor to most of my relationships and friendships ending. I was the problem and now I am fixing it. I openly communicated how I felt with this person and they did the same to me. It has been so helpful to know what was me and what wasn't.

I say healing isn't easy because it truly is not easy to look at yourself under a microscope. It is not easy to face up to the issues and problems you have caused and still cause. It is not fun, happy or anything like that to see where you can improve. So why did I want to heal? Why did I want to grow up? Because it is so worth it. I can now have happy, healthy relationships with my friends, my dad, my family, my future partner and most especially, myself. It isn't easy to be open and share your down falls with the world, I decided to start doing this years ago on Twitter and it has grown from there. I share all of this so one person can see what they need to change and they can live a much more full, and happy life. Healing isn't easy. But it is worth all the effort.


About the author

Sara Caramella

26. Crisis Counselor. Domestic Violence Survivor.

I believe in sharing my story so others know they are never alone.

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