HE DUMPED ME!

We all have gone through relationship breakups, but it is never easy. Why? Because all of a sudden that person is not there. He/she is no longer is a part of your life. Your life is shattered as you know it. The whole landscape of your life. People may say you got to move on but first you need to move through. Like experiencing a death of a loved one, there are phases that you go through in a breakup: (not necessarily in this order and often you repeat different phases again and again)

• Shock and numbness

• Guilt (If only I had been like this or did that he would still be here)

• Anger (also vindictive or revengeful. “I’ll show him, I’ll get him”)

• Depression (loneliness and lack of motivation, staying in bed all day)

• Relief

Things that help when you are moving through these phases:

A good cry and a little drama

You know that feeling when you are outside after a summer rain, the world seems clean and fresh. Everything smells so good. That’s what a good cry does. Everything seems clearer and you feel not quite as terrible. You may even be able to laugh a little, eat a little and get out of bed.

Also, I believe in drama. Wail and scream and throw things around a bit to get out any aggression or hostility, release anger you have been holding on to, throw like pillows or dishes that you hate especially if he or she loved them. (Be sure and wear protective glasses if you do that.) Stay right there with your shattered heart (and shattered dishes), in your soot and ashes for a second. This is another way of clearing away hurt and be able to move forward.

Symbolic Gestures

1. Releasing in the wind

I love autumn, when the leaves change colors and then eventually fall from the trees and bring way to new growth in Spring. This is the time I like to say goodbye to old relationships, thank them and set them free and just like autumn leave they will make way for new experience and new growth. I do a ceremony I call releasing in the wind. I try to do this on the night of the full moon because the full moon is the time of completions and endings so that we can be ready for new beginnings. I like to do this at the river (I live near a river) but any place you feel at peace works. I place a leaf in both my hands (cradling it) and then say the following, (you can use your own words) “John, (fill in the blank) thank you so much for being in my life, I remember all those wonderful times (and list them) we had together (try to keep it positive because negativity will add on more negativity) but now it is time for you to go. I wish you well, I wish you peace and that you will find the happiness and joy you are looking for. I release you. Goodbye.” (Then either place it in the river or raise your hands above your head and let the leaf ride the wind.) I use this time to include all people that have left my life that I still hold on to, like old friends, people I worked with, etc., it is a sweet time of remembering but also an empowering time to say that you release you and goodbye and let them go. One thing, I would like to add is that the expectations that we have of others has a strange controlling type of power on us when we do this exercise of releasing and letting them go, we release all expectations we had of that person. You will be surprised of the new things that start coming into your life and how other people start reacting towards you and how people will be drawn to you including those you would never expect because releasing creates a space for the new to come in.

2. The Breakup Ceremony

This is a combination of a wedding and a funeral. But, more celebratory than sad. Invite all your friends over with there own beverages and snacks and have a bonfire or aef. If friends want to bring something over to celebrate your new upcoming life they can. Gather all your old pictures and memorabilia of you and the ex and together with your friends one at a time throw these things into the fire and say, “Out with the old and bring in the new” or anything else you want but again, I would stay away from saying anything negative like “good riddance bad rubbish” because negative just adds more negativity and it could bite you backside.

3. Bringing the positive energy in

Sit on the floor in a comfortable position i.e. lotus position. Have your arms open and in front of you. Bring your arms into your heart chakra and say, “I release all negativity coming into me” and then bring your hands back out in front of you and I release all negativity (three times.) Then say “I accept and will receive all love/positivity coming into me and will send love/positivity” out (three times.) You are releasing all the negativity that you or others say, and you are accepting all love and positivity in.

4. Make up your own symbolic gestures.

Create your own ceremony or gesture such as create a whole new living space change things around and using sage to do a complete energy cleansing of your house.

When depression comes

When a breakup happens it often is very hard on our self-esteem. We start having a lot of negative self-talk. “I’m not a good person, I don’t deserve a good relationship, I will never have anything good, blah, blah, blah.” Wait, guess what? We’ve entered the negativity junk yard. Sometimes we get so deep in all the muck and mire of the junk yard that we think we will never get out, it is hopeless. That is when our old friend creeps in, well, it’s not our old friend at all, it’s depression. When it gets to the point that your life is hopeless then is the time for you to call in the experts, those people that can direct you to get you out of despair and depression.

There are three important things to do:

1. Talk to a counselor or someone you trust

This will help you see that things are not hopeless, that this junkyard in your mind is just and illusion. Also, be open to this experience, they will be able to teach you techniques that will help you through this and also be open to temporarily getting on antidepressants. This can be good while you are going through counseling.

2. Meditate.

It’s time to center yourself and stop the endless self-talk that is usually so critical. Check online and you will find hundreds of websites that will have guided meditations (for free) that will help quiet the mind.

3. Exercise.

Exercise to the point of real excursion and sweating up a storm. This will help you relieve stress and feel better. Also think about including in your exercise regimen yoga and tai chi which combines mindfulness with exercise.

I am enough!

Don't think that without that person to provide a life for you, you are nothing. Because essentially you are saying that "I am not enough, I am only valid when I am with him/her." Granted, they have and changed the landscape of your life and that was a very good thing but after you have experienced that you will go on to something new in the process of your evolution.

After a while you can raise your heard and look around and really see. The important person is still intact, YOU! You are creator of your reality along with the universe and the universe hasn't dropped you, you are still loved, you are still important, you’re just on to a new adventure.

Make a change

There is a commercial for apartment rental service that says change your apartment, change your universe. Making a change even a small change can make a difference. Take a karate class, go to Europe, head a committee to save the polar bears, sign up to be a Big Brother or Big Sister, anything that will get you out of yourself. Do something totally new and have experiences you have not had before. I would challenge you to do these things alone, if you feel able, because when you feel vulnerable but open to try new things alone a whole new world for good. These are some things that I have done when going through a breakup, moved to Texas, took hang-gliding classes, worked in a renaissance fair selling love potions and learned tai chi, all of which either were totally transforming (like moving to Texas,) or at least got me out of myself a bit and not focused on my broken relationship (like selling love potions).

One thing that I suggest you don't do! Don't go to a group to help you recover from a breakup! Well, this is just my opinion but when I did this I found that there my male vultures that attend these type of groups looking for vulnerable women.

Gratitude

Grab a pen and paper. Now list all the things you have that are a blessing in your life right now. What are you grateful for? Such as, “I’m grateful for air, water, beautiful sky, my children, and on and on and on. List everything. Do this every day and list at least 20 items. Recognizing the good in your life will help you to be happier. People call it a gratitude journal I call it my transcendence to higher ground book. Once you see how much you have received (and this list will keep growing) you will see how much you have to live for. You will come to a point where you look at past relationships and be grateful for the time you have spent with past lovers and friends and the joy that they gave you at that time.

Also, every time I lose something (keys, shoes, etc.,) or are concerned about a certain circumstance ask for help from your higher power (God, Universe, etc, acknowledging that there is a spiritual source) and then immediately thank him/her, all for any assistance. Then you get out of a certain circumstance, or find your lost object shower praises and thanks to that source.

Finally

Don’t negate what you had together.

Don’t say it was a waste of your time because this is what this Earth experience is all about, to gain experience and learn. Everything that we allow into our life, gives us experience can lead us to joy or pain but know that it will always bring you growth if you are able to really look at it. If you are in pain it will take awhile to heal. I say at least a full year. During that time heal yourself don't immediately try to find love again, work, on going through the pain.

If you can look at what you had together you will see where they added depth and new perceptions to your life that you didn’t have before. After that relationship is gone, don’t hurry, take time for self-care and self-discovery, then when your ready something new will soon be on the horizon.