He Broke Me, but I Love Him

Is it still love, if the person you "love" hurts you beyond your breaking point?

I've been in many relationships. Good, bad, and ugly. When you don't receive that loving connection with a family member, you'll start looking for it in other things. For me, I found that love in guys. I didn't care how they treated me or what they did to me, or anyone else for that matter.

Mental abuse is more hard than what people explain to you. Someone makes you feel so loved, important, cherished. A deep affection that draws a line around you. A line that can't be broken. You're trapped in their circle, once they have you entrapped, the person you thought you knew so well, starts to show the real them. Very slowly they begin to reveal their dark side to you. Yelling words. The walls that they've built around you to keep you safe, are crumbling around you.

How could someone who claims to love you, tell you things that make you feel so worthless. But. then they come to you. "Sorry, I was just having a bad day... it won't happen again."

You tell yourself that maybe it won't happen again. That maybe it really was a bad day. I mean... they're a good person after all. Just remember what it was like in the beginning of the relationship. Maybe things will go back to the way that they were.

By this time, I would be invested in my relationships.

The relationship would return to what it was like in the beginning, that fun loving, sweet guy that I knew. Finally! I was right, it was just a bad day.

In time, things started going back down hill, the relationship would never go back to the way it was before. It would stay in that circle of hate for the rest of the relationship. I would stay because of the apologies, and the attention I was getting from someone. Whether it was good or bad, it was attention. I was something I wasn't getting from the people I loved.

Relationship after relationship I finally learned that the people I was loving. Was just a huge waste of my time and my well-being. I was shattered and gave up on everyone around me. I was at the lowest point in my life. These guys caused me to harm myself and honestly made me lose faith in the world, and all the people in it. I actually left the school I was attending and disconnected from all my relationships and friendships and tried to move on with life, and make me, a better version of myself.

I found my current boyfriend without even looking for him. I walked into a building and happened to go over to his group of friends to ask for some help. I knew a couple of the guys in the group but my boyfriend (stranger at the time) jumped at my questions first and helped me for the rest of the event. I never looked at him as someone I was interested in. I just thought of him as a nice person who was helping me out. I soon moved into the same building event that he worked in. My mom was the new director and I became a team worker and worked side by side with my boyfriend.

We became really good friends and he soon became apart of my friend group from the event building. He eventually asked me for my number and we started talking. It didn't take long for him to bluntly express his feelings for me and asked me on a date. I kindly declined his invite and explained how I wasn't ready to start anything soon. He understood and never asked me again. About a month later the event was wrapping up and he stayed after to help my mom and I clean up. My mother happened to sneak him aside when I wasn't looking and told him that we would be cute a couple. She then started joking around about how we should use the rest of day to hang out with each other. I tried to get out of it, but my mom insisted and pushed us out the door.

We headed out to a gas station and got some coffee and donuts, and drove to a park I used to go to all the time as a kid. We found a spot to sit down with the perfect view of the water. We sat and talked for three hours. Ive very shy and have social anxiety; conversations for me are usually awfully painful and can't last more than 15 minutes.

For the next four months we went on dates, and found the best places to just sit and talk. This (stranger friend) was becoming someone I was really starting to trust and love being with. In October he asked me to be his girlfriend. We have been together for a year now. Now I know relationships have their problems and you aren't always going to like the person you love. As of right now, I don't like him very much right now. He's hurt me a lot in the last three months. He never meant to. People go through there own issues in life, we tend to dump our problems on the people who are closet to us.

All I can say is, I'm glad I went through those bad relationships to fully love and appreciate what I have now. In a relationship you shouldn't just stick with someone, and hope they change or thinking that you can change them. The only person who can change someone is them.

Don't settle for anything, the right person will come along when you least expect it and they will be everything that you've looked for and need, and have so much more you never knew you needed.