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Haunted by the ghost of my ex

Not over him

By anonymous Published 4 years ago 4 min read
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Have you felt so lost without someone. It's like you can't even do one simple task without thinking about them. Just when you think you are finally over it, moving on and regaining yourself, feeling alive again. Something switches and everything that was hits you all over again. The more I try to cut him and keep him out of my life only seems to be making things worse.

I’m not weak for remembering emotions. Memories are engrained in my mind like they belong there. So how am I supposed to just erase them. I don’t want them gone, its more so other people, like my friends and family, telling me to rid myself of these memories as if they are something that can just be stopped. Trying not to think about the person you are still in love with feels like the hardest thing. If someone tells you to stop breathing, when it’s a physiological habit that happens without thought, could you just stop breathing? No. You keep following the habit that makes you live, and provides comfortability. Thats what he provided my life with, comfort, security, peace and protection. He was my home and my habit that I still cant seem to break, almost a year after the first time we broke up.

It’s the feeling of thinking you’re over someone, but knowing deep down in your gut that you’re not is what kills the most. That voice inside that keeps pushing you to check up on them. But then no. I need to keep telling myself that it’s not my issue anymore. Every living thought in my mind is being swallowed by memories of him. I feel myself yearning just to feel his touch again, to smell his smell or to hear his voice say those three longed for words again. Most of all I miss looking at the face I fell in love with. Looking into those forest green eyes that bring back every emotion that began our journey from strangers into lovers.

It's been this way for months. When will it end? Will it ever end? It honestly doesn't seem like it will. Toward the end of our relationship I thought that once I was free from this person, my life would change for the better. I would progress as a person, he'd move on to better things. And we both be happy. Couldn’t be further from whats going on in my head right now.

This distant back and forth contact of short, dry messages that is still keeping us somewhat linked is the most painful. because it's like I'm getting small doses of someone that I want the whole pill of. And I do want no no I want to spend my life with this person. I'm still in love with this person. But I can't be with them.

I never thought this whole process would be so painful. It's like a knife carving itself away at my soul each night when I lie in bed, alone, listening to my playlist that I've stupidly made to cry to while listening. Sounds pathetic. I lie there every night wondering if he feels the same way. I do somewhat know he does because he's told me. But to the extent I do? I don't know what's worse, the physical pain, or the emotional pain. It's the physical pain, the yearning to be held, and the emotional, a need to be wanted and to feel loved, that’s making me reconsider all the mistakes he made and how much he hurt me in attempt to forgive him and get those things back. There's nothing more than I miss than that. The feeling of being loved by someone who loves you back. That's what I can't get over and thats why he is constantly present in my mind.

I think breakups pose a lot of doubt in your mind. Did this person ever love me back or was it all a fantasy? Were we both caught up in this world of love and lust and idealised thoughts. Did he love me for me or did he love me for what I did for him? For the way I made him feel? Or what I owned?It's these waves of doubt and what ifs that keep replaying in my mind. What if things didn't go wrong. What would they be like now and would we be better or will they still be just as bad if not worse.

I do think I did the right thing sometimes. But yet again, a day doesn’t go by when I wish that he wasn’t still by my side. So I can't say I wish I never met him, because he told me what love was. He showed me what it feels like to be so connected to someone that they consume every cell in your body. A love so strong you can't go a second of your day without thinking about them. He taught me love and I taught him love.

Its for this agony that I fall against my strength and my willpower and contact him again. The unblocking, the easing back into messages like habit, ritualistically checking oh his instagram. Why can these ties not be broken? I try to tell myself that we will most definitely never be getting back together but its the comfort of these messages thats making things so hard.

breakups
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About the Creator

anonymous

Passionate about everything mental health, relationships and breakups <3

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