Haunted by Ghosts

Ghosting is a very common term in modern day society. Under the Google dictionary definition, it is described as: the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

It’s highly likely that we’ve all been ghosted by someone at least once, and if you haven’t then you’re one of the lucky ones. In an age when face to face communication isn’t as frequent and screen to screen interaction is more common, we are more susceptible to people ejecting themselves from our spaces without notice. People will vanish from our lives without explanation. Where’s the honesty in this practice? Why cowardly exit? Before I continue, there’s a difference between ghosting and things naturally fizzling out and people who ghost know this. Ghosting is very abrupt and catches people off guard. It’s not a nice feeling to be ghosted because you are left with a lot of unanswered questions and you feel disrespected. It’s not good practice but it occurs often and I have had my fair share of ghosting experiences, but I’ll share the two that stood out the most to me as the boys who ghosted me, then had the audacity to come back as if all was well and they hadn’t disrespected me. And the excuses I was awarded with make me wonder if they had any emotional maturity at all.

Bachelor Number One

This was the classic modern-day dating story; one where we connected on an app and began to talk for several months. We were really getting to know one another; I shared some deeply personal things and I assumed that we were really getting along great. We pretty much had a slot of time where we would talk for a few hours and it was nice. We had ourselves a routine and the feelings were growing. I was starting to like him, but then all of a sudden, he didn’t respond to a message I’d sent him. I gave him the weekend to respond before I’d start investigating – sometimes you have to move a little mad. After the weekend was done, I decided to find out what was up without actually asking, because it was clear I was being ignored. From his activity he’d been active online so was capable of messaging back, especially since he’d been following new girls and liking their recent uploads. From that I was starting to get the feeling that maybe he wasn’t that interested, so I decided that if he didn’t message me by the end of the week then he clearly wasn’t into me, so I’d leave him from then on. A week passed and I got no DMs, no texts or calls and so for me it was over. He’d withdrawn all communication, so I accepted it and it took me a few weeks of saltiness and sadness, but within a week or two I was over it. But it’s always when you’re over them and have forgotten about it all that they decide to come back. It’s like they sense your peace from however many miles away and decide it’s time to disturb it and ruin your day. Like the ghosts that they are, they have come back to haunt you. His return like all was very casual. Initially I wanted to read him for the filth that he was, but I decided it was best that I just leave him be and ignore him as he ignored me. However, he was persistent and eventually I had to explain to him the reason why I didn't initially respond and how his behaviour was unacceptable. From there are he apologise several times and offered me the excuse of I’m not using his social Media apps for a whole month. This I knew you would b******* because he had been active during his 'break', but he had other means of contacting me i.e. my phone number, therefore, his excuse was futile. However, in the spirit of maturing I decided to forgive him, but I've also chosen to forget him because I know I can't trust him. Despite expressing that he'd missed me and that he liked me, there's only so much you can believe from a guy who forgets about your existence for a whole month. If you're going to ghost via social media, just remember that social media is capable of tracking some of your movements. The best way to avoid this is, to not ghost at all and just send a quick message either saying you'll be busy during a certain time period, or you don't want to talk to someone anymore because you found someone else more interesting – maybe leave the last part out if you’re trying to spare someone’s self-esteem. It's that simple, yet not everyone is kind enough to do so, as shown by Bachelor Number One.

Bachelor Number Two

Imagine talking to someone for over a year and building a connection. The problem we had was distance and I guess it heightened for him after the first time we met. I was comfortable with him, we spoke daily. I cared about his health when he neglected it, he cared about my mundane days when I was so over them, we liked each other, we’d even said so, but of course we never declared a romantic relationship because…distance. I remember when I started dating someone, feeling a bit guilty because I hadn’t said anything, I was hostile to him and even said “I bet you’re probably dating tonnes of girls” and to that he responded “I’ve probably talked to one or two people since we started talking, but I haven’t dated anyone, I like you”. That took me by surprise in all honesty, so at that point I asked how he’d feel about me dating other people and he said that it wouldn’t be great, but I could do whatever I wanted, we were both single after all. He was right, so I dated other people and we continued having our intimate conversations and just being there for one another. Then the day came where we were finally united and it was honestly amazing, it’s like all that shared intimacy transferred into that moment and honestly, it was the least lonely I’d felt in a long time. I was sad when he had to go, and he said you’d be back in a few months and I held onto that. We hadn’t declared much else, but we’d started a different phase in our relationship. There was a boundary we’d removed, and we were deeply rooted in a grey area. But the grey area would cause his demeanour to change. He was no longer prompt, but the conversation was normal, until one day he just disappeared. I messaged several times but got nothing and I even texted, but I got nothing. It took me a week to realise he was gone from my life and it was like a punch to the gut. From that feeling onwards, I dedicated myself to healing from the disappointment and getting over him, so of course it was six weeks later when I could date again and not think of him that he decided to say hi. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and honestly, I was so upset. The excuse he gave was a fear we shared, but instead of expressing it to me, he made the decision on both our behalves to stop our relationship in its tracks as he didn’t want to deal with long distance. I completely understand how valid his concern was, but I couldn’t appreciate his actions because he broke my heart. When people who matter come back, it’s always the hardest because the feelings linger under the surface. It was difficult to forgive him and easier to give him a second chance, after all we’d discussed the elephant in the room. However, continuing would prove too much and the possibility of him hurting my again overtook my desire to be with him, so I called the quits and suggested we both move on. Now it could’ve been easier to just cease communication with him, but after the hurt he’d caused me I knew I couldn’t do that to him; my empathy wouldn’t allow it.

What Does it Mean for Me?

With stories like this in my bank, it may appear that I have an issue with men, but I really don’t. I have an issue with guys who decide to walk in and out of my life as they please, despite the connection we’ve built or the relationship they’ve torn. My life waits for no man, even the greatest heartbreaks of my life don’t have a ticket back into my life, so ghosts have no place haunting. I’m happy to forgive, but even happier to forget you if you ghost me and I think a lot of people share the same feeling. When you decide to abruptly disappear from someone’s life, you should really think about the pain you caused and how they’ve most likely adjusted to a life without you. Your return will only disturb their peace and people who are comfortable doing that are pieces of ****. People’s emotions should not be toyed with and I feel that too many people are forgetting that in this dating environment. The truth is very much appreciated and I’d rather someone let me know that they’re not interested in me, or pursuing whatever it is will be difficult etc, rather than the ice-cold treatment of being shut out. And if you’re not down for open and honest communication, then maybe, just maybe you shouldn’t be out here dating.