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Hair, Masculinity & the Gay Man –

Brendon Luke

By BrendonPublished 4 years ago 19 min read
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Katie and I can dive into some pretty weird conversations. It's just what happens when two fascinating, intelligent glorious human beings have a meeting of minds. To less enlightened beings with no imagination, our conversations may at first appear shallow or comical. Smarter people, like my devoted readers here will recognise their potential brilliance and philosophical value right away. If conversations were roads, our conversations are roads not found on google maps. The destination may appear unclear but you don’t find your way to the end of the rainbow by typing Dee Why RSL into the satnav. Our conversations, the philosophies we nut out via messenger conversations that start out about stuff like dicks and balls, but diverge into universal truths, one day they are going to change the world. I see a Netflix series in our future, a bit like series 8, but better. Us sitting on inflatable unicorns extracting philosophical truths about life and the universe from discussions about penis piercings, anal douching, STD scares and other unexpected topics. Hilarious, seductive and educational to boot. Somebody start a petition and make it happen.

One particular conversation began like this:

Katie: ‘I decided I need an in case of emergencies bathroom in the city because I will be here for another 6 weeks. I went to the pub a street over from the museum & explained the situation to a very sympathetic bar man. He told me they had a special bathroom that was rarely used & I could use it if I needed to. He showed me & as we were leaving the bathroom, I walked straight into one of our transsexual patients (Leah). The pub special bathroom is a trans bathroom. Leah recognised me. I think she thinks I’m transsexual now. I wanted to tell her I don’t have Man bits but it felt inappropriate. My life is absolute bollocks at the moment 😔.’

Dionysus: ‘Like a sex emergency?’

Katie: ‘No. I don’t use public bathrooms sober. I’m in the city for 10 hrs I’m not going to get caught out & have to use a filthy pube infested bathroom if I am busting. Bar man doesn’t think I’m transsexual I explained I am OCD.’

Dionysus: ‘I love a good pube bathroom.’

Katie: ‘He said trans men don’t care about special bathrooms & trans women wax extensively so there will be no rogue pubes.’

Dionysus: ‘Well that’s a bit of a stereotype.’

Katie: ‘True but it’s probably an accurate one. Trans people are by definition going to be more masculine/feminine than ordinary. If you are cutting off/adding bits you are probably not androgynous. Hair is a big part of it! I can’t believe we are having a conversation about the probability of trans people having pubes 😂😂😂😂.’

Dionysus: ‘This is true, but I feel it needs to be discussed.’

Katie: ‘😂 Alex is hairless from the eyebrows down. She says hair makes her feel blokey’ (Alex is a mid- male to female-transitioning trans friend of Katie’s).

Dionysus: ‘It def makes me feel more manly, I’d def want a Landing strip If I was a lady. Just so I could make plans landing sounds when a penis was headed my way.’

Katie: ‘😂😂😂😂 ✈️ I’m dying. That is gold! This feels like the start of a chapter. Your thoughts on hair masculinity & the gay man.’

And so, from a humble discussion about an OCD person’s search for a pube-less toilet seat that took an unexpected detour into trends in transsexual pubic grooming, emerged the philosophy you see before you. Enjoy.

Hair and masculinity, and by extension femininity are intertwined. Hairiness and masculinity are a bit of a stereotype, hair sets the men apart from the boys. Likewise, the hair lesbian stereotype is a thing, feminine women are hairless and hairy women are dykes. I have always connected my hair with my masculinity. I have had everything from a shaved head, to a ponytail. I have sported a full bush, I have trimmed the crowning glory to my glorious crown jewels, and I have shaved off all of my pubes. Hair wise, I have tried it all. As someone who has been there done that with every configuration of head and body hair, I can say without a doubt I have felt more manly with hair. Don’t get me wrong, Jason Stratham is no less of a man for being bald, but you can bet the house on him having hairy bollocks. There is no way a guy like him gets Brazilian waxes. With gay it can go either way. Some gay men are smooth as silk, others are like fucking bear skin rugs, but the general rule is the more fem a gay man is, the greater the probability he waxes his nuts. Not having any experience in the matter, I can only guess the same applies in reverse to lesbians. The butch-er the girl, the greater the probability she is sporting some impressive leg hair.

As for me, my chest is a hairy mammoth, but only in the right places thank god. My shoulders and back are relatively hair free. Facial hair wise I have done the beard, the goatee, the creepy looking 70s porn star moustache you see me sporting in my cover picture, and clean shaven. At 30 I’m still blessed with a good head of hair, but as per my earlier Jason Statham example, baldness isn’t necessarily emasculating, in fact it's often the opposite. A short interjection from my editor. Male pattern baldness strongly correlates with serum testosterone levels. There is pretty solid evidence that men who lose their head hair generally have higher testosterone levels than men with luscious locks. The strong, macho, bald man trope is in fact supported by science. Anyway, rocking a bald head shows confidence and can be a very masculine statement. Also, it’s easier to wipe semen off a bald head, cum tends to clump and knot your hair. I have never been bald so any speculation I make about the advantages of baldness are simply speculation. I’m probably right, so you can take it as fact, but I accept no blame or responsibility if you let someone cum on your bald head and it doesn’t wipe off easily.

On the topic of body hair, I’m on more expert footing. I love my body hair, and I have to admit I do feel more manly when my chest hair is displayed by a tastefully unbuttoned shirt. That said I have been known to display my chesty wares under a tasteless mesh singlet and I rock that look too, albeit in a less manly manner. I do feel more masculine with a well-tailored beard, but that’s just nature. Beards are pubes, you can’t get your pubes out in public, face pubes are how you show the world you are a fully grown up man with all the fully grown up parts. My beard makes me feel empowered, here I am, a man and proud of it. That may seem a bit contradictory, but as a gay man I am usually put in a feminine box, not a woman, but not really a man by the normal manly standards. I am a fem gay man, but I am still a man. I’m all for embracing both your masc and fem sides, whether you are a man or a woman, gay, bi, trans, or straight. Own every part of yourself, but for me, part of owning my maleness is having a beard.

Masc and femme are the lazy boxes we use in the gay world, but they are pretty basic and inadequate descriptors.

We have our masc, we have our fems, but we also have our bears, our twinks, our jocks, our daddies, our leathers. Personally, because I am a rampant slut at heart, I would happily sleep with any of these groups, hairy or not. But it goes beyond that too. If I find you attractive, I find you attractive, it's that simple. Well sort of, I’m not going to want to jump you if you have a vag, we all draw the line somewhere. I don’t care if you could be mistaken for a grizzly bear or if you have not a skerrick of hair below the eye lashes, I can find most things attractive, just not a vag. Hair on other men does not matter to me, but hair on me affects how masculine I feel about myself. I love everything from Jocks to Daddies, but I definitely like a masc kind of man. As a fem, I can state unequivocally that fems are awesome, but a fem needs to be swept away by a masc kind of guy. Two fems just don’t really work. The little woman big guy trope is a thing for a reason. Nothing feels safer, or better than being wrapped in a strong man’s arms.

If I had to describe my perfect man (I know I don’t HAVE to but I WANT to and it's my books so I’m fucking going to and you can’t stop me) he would be like this:

He would definitely be tall, masculine, toned but not huge like those freaky bulls that farmers sometimes have that are so muscled they can’t even walk, I’m not into bodybuilders who walk like they have just shat themselves. He would have a hairy chest, and facial hair whether it be the beard or a moustache, however he could be bald or have long hair, that bit doesn’t matter. He would be tanned, and have a symmetrically pleasing face. Basically, my dream man is a stereotypical good-looking masculine man. As much as I hate it when Katie is right, and she often is because she is terrifyingly smart, she is right about the whole body hair being intrinsically and irrevocably tied to our ideas about masculinity and femininity. She’s wrong when she says I take too many selfies on the toilet, but yeah, on this she’s right.

I was always a bit fem, most of my childhood was spent with my mother and my sister, where we usually played the girls games my sister wanted to play. I enjoyed the pink barbie cars and dolls, but I also loved my game boy and toy trucks. I loved to dress up, and I have many happy memories of dressing up in my mother’s stockings, dresses and heels. I don’t believe the shit about mothers making their sons gay, but I think future fem gays are more open to exploring their feminine side as children. I was lucky I had a mother that allowed me to explore this side of my self without judgment. Dad was also part of the family, but he was simply around a lot less. He worked tirelessly to support our family and allow us to have the privileged upbringing that we had, but this meant working late nights and many weekends. Ironically, my father being a particularly stereotypical masculine man, meant his work took him away from the home more, and I had less regular contact with masculinity than femininity. So, if any balance was missing in my life, it was masculine influence. He was there, just less on a day to day basis than my mother was. My mother could be strict, but you always knew she was on your side. The empathy was visible in everything she did. In a way this encouraged me to explore my masculinity as the defacto man about the house in my father’s absence. Perhaps this is why I like hairy, strong, masculine dominant men. I enjoyed my little excursions into hyper-masculinity, but it's an identity I like to visit briefly, not inhabit. I want to be able to embrace my gentler more feminine side, and quite frankly I’m a natural domestic goddess who would make a fine trophy husband for the right kind of man.

I grew up in an era in which hyper exaggerated masculinity was forced down our throats from birth via films and Tv. We were taught that a real man was the man of the house and it was his job as a man to be the provider and protector of the family. Even god damn Disney had every princess being rescued by a man. Thank god kids now have Frozen and Maleficent to balance out the very narrow stereotypes that infused my childhood. We had Arnold Schwarzenegger in fast paced action films and Pierce Brosnan saving the world. Drinking a beer at the pub with your mates was what men did. Tv ads told us that this was the path to manhood. Despite the constant messages from society, I’m a white wine man because beer tastes like shit and gives me gas.

I’m a weird mix of masculine and feminine characteristics. But it shouldn’t seem weird. We are all just a mix of characteristics, like random herbs thrown in a bag and shaken about and voila a unique seasoning for your sexual snack needs. But when you think about it, it really shouldn’t seem weird. It all comes back to those deeply ingrained ideas about what a man is, what makes him different to a woman, and what acceptable ways there are to be a man or a woman. It’s about putting people in boxes. I think this is why there has been an explosion in sexual and gender identities. People don’t feel they fully fit in the available boxes, and don’t like being limited by brief descriptions. For some people, gay and straight don’t properly explain who they are, they are bi or pan. Some people are equally feminine and masculine, so they prefer the term non-binary. I think this fixation with inventing new boxes is a push back against limiting stereotypes. Instead of doing away with the existing stereotypes, for some reason we have just created more boxes instead of discarding the old ones. I don’t honestly know why people feel the need to box themselves in, but then again identity is a strange thing. I identify as a gay man, it’s not all I am but I suppose I’m happy enough that the box fits well enough. To me it seems more limiting to call yourself a non-binary pansexual, than it does to say I’m me and I’m different things at different times because I’m fucking human. We are all a mix of many qualities, and we all have moods, and changing interests and preferences in life, it seems silly to put labels on yourself that essentially come back to, ‘I’m just like everyone else. I change my mind, and feel differently depending on the day’.

Returning to the topic of hair, if I was a woman, I would totally do the landing strip thing with my muff hair. It’s probably my only regret about being born a man, that I don’t get to have a landing strip muff and make aeroplane noises as a dick comes flying towards my vag. He could do the rotor thing with his dick and I could be their air traffic controller directing him to a safe landing. God I’m laughing so hard I just snorted. Honestly if you don’t find that image hilarious then put down my book and walk away now because you are tragically irreparably humour deficient. Moving on. Anything equal to the side-splitting comedic potential of a landing strip muff, for male pubes is just too high maintenance. You could shape it into a Pinocchio face, but that would take a lot of hairspray and would be quickly messed up. A sword handle would be funny but given no-one wants to be fucked by a sword it wouldn’t help you get laid. The sad reality is that a muff is simply more suited to satirical styling. I know muffs are pretty labour-intensive genitals to have, but in terms of pubic styling women really do have the advantage on this one. Grooming the pubes is not however just for women and bodybuilders. In gay town the pubes that most divide us are the ones on the arse.

The ass is the centrepiece of gay sexy-times. Yeah, penis’s matter, but the truth is it's all about the arse. I mean who doesn’t like a booty? Booties are just fantastic and should be appreciated in all shapes, forms and sizes. But booties, particularly male booties have hair. In differing amounts for sure, but the one guarantee in life is that if you are a man and have been through puberty, you have hair on your arse. Luckily for me my hair is quite blonde and light so even though I have a layer of hair over my two beautiful cheeks it doesn’t look like angry Pomeranian or one of those creepy hairless cats. Hair on the bootie cheeks isn’t usually a problem, the exterior of the butt doesn’t get much action, so a bit or a lot of hair doesn’t really make much difference. Its hairy holes that inspire strong feelings in people. A lot of gay men have pretty strong thoughts on what is acceptable in hole hair. The hole being the goal, some men insist on an unobstructed view, while others, like nature lovers, enjoy a bit of foliage. It's more of an issue when it comes to rimming. No-one wants to lick out a hairy dirty arse, aside from any aesthetic issues it's really not hygienic. Now it needs to be said, I have a hairy hole and I’m a very hygienic guy. No one is ever going to find rogue shit in between my cheeks, but not all men adhere to my scrupulous standards. Other than the rimming issue, if you are looking to just wack your dick into an inviting hole, hair isn’t going to stop it happening or interfere in any way. It would take an unnaturally sensitive dick to feel a few arse hairs while ploughing a guy. If your dick is that sensitive you should probably see a doctor because that doesn’t sound healthy.

So hairy cracks or smooth holes, it’s a preference thing. Being the owner of a hairy crack, I’m all for loving the hair you have. I don’t want to do myself an injury trying to shave my arsehole. I don’t want the hassle of contorting myself every few days to prevent itchy re-growth. I will trim my butt hole hairs, but I’m not tolerating an itchy arse for anyone. If a guy wants a smooth hole to rim, he can look elsewhere. I like my hole just the way it is, and rimming is not really my thing anyway.

I guess what does make it easier for gay men is these personal preferences are usually laid out prior to sex, terms and conditions are negotiated before the hook-up occurs so there are rarely any unfortunate surprises. This does help ensure all parties are happy at the end of the day. No-one is going to expect me to be masc and manly, and no one is going to expect me to have a smooth arsehole because these things are discussed ahead of time. Am I masc because I have butthole hair? If you even need to ask that question you haven’t been paying attention. Go back to the beginning of the chapter and concentrate this time.

Masc man are usually assumed to be big, buff, strong, rough and charismatic. Once again, we see the stereotype. The biggest, beariest, gay daddy you have ever seen, could be the femest girliest gay boy you have ever met. What you look like on the outside doesn’t always reflect who you are on the inside. As any closeted gay can tell you, you need to be comfortable with vulnerability to build up the courage to show the world who you are on the inside. It goes both ways. The twinkiest, femest looking guy could be a football watching, beer chugging, laddish masc at heart.

Looking masc and being masc usually do correlate, but there are enough instances where they don’t for the expectation that they will to be ridiculous. You can be born hairy of chest but girly of heart and you can be born feeble of muscle but macho of soul. To say someone is masc in the gay or straight world really means nothing in a way, you can control some things about the way you look, but genetic predisposition comes into it too. A 6’2 Greek man, predisposed to building muscle with the genes for hirsutism can be a princess at heart, and a 4’0 dwarf who struggles to grow a bum fluff moustache can be a chest beating Neanderthal in spirit. You can change how you dress, how you groom, how much time you spend at the gym, but you can’t fight your genetic legacy. Is a masc looking man who has a masc soul a double masc? Or does the double up mascness make you a fem? Is a fem looking guy with a fem spirit just a woman with a peen? It’s hard to know the answer. Like I said, I think the rise in the whole gender identity this has come from this place where people are finding the traditional stereotypes don’t fit, so they are creating increasingly detailed boxes to describe themselves. The final body part we will examine (well not we, more me) in our analysis of the role of body hair in perceptions of masculinity is arm-pit hair.

Armpit hair is another one of those highly genderised things, sure some celebrity females and #woke teenaged girls are making a thing of their pit hair, dying it, making it the focal point of their every selfie etc. etc but generally speaking most men have hairy pits, and most women choose not to. I personally have never been with a guy with hairless pits. I mean I definitely trim mine, otherwise it would poke when I’m wearing a singlet, but I don’t remove it completely. Most ultra-fem gays shave their armpits, most masc gays do not. Because I’m feeling academic… So, in conclusion body hair is a very gendered thing. Generally speaking, it is associated with masculinity and its removal is associated with femininity. It's not an unbreakable rule, and some people will have more or less hair to contend with due to genetics, but it’s a fairly safe bet that along the spectrum of masc/fem, the more feminine gay men will be more likely to remove their body hair than more masculine gay men.

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