Guess What: It Doesn't Pay to Be a Dick

Sometimes, when I hear about other people’s relationships, I cringe. I haven’t been in that many relationships, but I’ve always had a sense of how you should a treat one. I’ve heard so many people talk about their relationships and think, “That… can’t be healthy… can it?” Even when I was little, I would hear people bashing their significant others and be confused. “If you don’t even like them… then why are you together?” In today’s world, society makes it okay, even encouraged, to drag your partner through the mud.

Why don’t we look at some relationship “guidelines” that society pushes, shall we? Let’s take, for example, a traditional, monogamous relationship between two people. We all know the basics of what that means. Assuming you’re not an asshole, it means the relationship is exclusive. You have someone to cuddle with and go out to the movies with. You celebrate Valentine’s Day and your anniversary, and you get birthday sex. Hopefully, you love each other. Sure. That’s great. Glad you have someone to rock you to sleep at night. Congratulations. And if you like, you put a ring on it, and seal the deal until death do you part. (Or the divorce papers. Hey, it happens.) Mazel tov.

My point is, often times people fall into these relationships for the wrong reasons. Or, they really do care about the other person, but as the relationship progresses, it loses its enchantment. I’ve seen too many articles on what a relationship is and should be. So here, folks, is a compiled list of what a relationship is not.

1) Your relationship is not a service project.

Look, I get it. I’m the same way. I see someone who is the stereotypical “damaged person” and I envision them doing a complete 180 in their life because I pushed them to do it. And then the angels will sing and a rainbow will appear as we kiss for the closing scene. It fades to black. The credits role while playing “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley. Standing ovation.

But seriously, think about that for a second. Your role in a relationship is not to try and change the person to what YOU think is best. Even if changing them will really, truly, honestly, genuinely help them progress in life. You cannot walk into a relationship thinking that they will change their ENTIRE being for you. Sometimes, very rarely, someone might change a quality or two. If so, great! If not, you should have seen that coming.

2) Your partner is not a revenge tactic.

Ugh, you feel so terrible since Jimmy dumped you. It’s so embarrassing passing him in the schoolyard and having to look at his smug little face. But hey: you saw the new boy was in your French class. He’s totally a hunk and will definitely make Jimmy regret breaking up with you. Lucky for you, the new Hottie McHotterson has been giving you “eyes” across the classroom. Maybe you should play along and get him to hold your hand as you walk through the hallway this week? Then once Jimmy has put his foot in his mouth, you can let the new boy down easy. No harm, no foul, right?

Nooooooooooope. Abort mission! Do not attempt! Eye candy? Really? This is a sad and pathetic way to deal with a breakup. If you attempt this, it will most likely end in one of two ways: 1) You don’t really make your ex jealous and your life is still as sad as ever. Plus, now you’re in a very shallow relationship with someone you don’t like very much. Ew. 2) You end up really liking the “Eye Candy” you’ve been flaunting around and then they eventually find out WHY you initially got together and shit hits the fan. Also Ew.

3) Your partner is not your flotation device.

We all have baggage. Some of it is childhood related, some from previous relationships, or even past traumas. Or sometimes it is part of a mental illness. Of course, getting support from our significant others is amazing and there’s nothing wrong with that. But do not, under any circumstances, expect them to be your partner as a therapist. Their purpose is not to save you. They are there to be with you and give you some light. But never, never, never make it someone else’s responsibility to make you feel better. And never get into a relationship because you need validation.

Yes, talk about your feelings with your partner. But don’t rely on them to keep your head above water.

4) Shit talking is a no-no.

I get it. Everyone else is shit talking their partners so it’s easy to jump on the bandwagon. And look, if one day you find that your partner is bugging the crap out of you, find ONE FRIEND that you can trust and talk it out with them. Vent. Get it out of your system. Get it off your chest. There’s nothing wrong with having a vent session if you need it. But if this is a problem that you feel could affect the relationship, it’s best to talk it out with your partner.

As soon as you bring outside people into your relationship problems, you lose that integrity of the relationship. Just imagine: You and your partner have been fighting a lot lately about an ex that keeps popping up. How would you feel if you found out that your partner has been calling you a control freak and a jealous psycho? My guess is: You wouldn’t like it very much.

5) Your partner is not your personal assistant.

I am always the partner that is too helpful. I always have this bad habit of offering to do everything and then my partner learns that I am pretty much willing to do anything. Therefore making me a complete doormat. It’s something I’m working on. And look, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to help your partner out, or wanting to do something nice for them. There’s not even anything wrong with accepting help! But just be wary of that thin line between thoughtful, loving partner, and complacent pushover.

ANYWAYS… never, ever, ever, ever, treat your partner like they’re your personal assistant. They are not there to cook for you, or clean your house, or do your errands, or anything else you can imagine a personal assistant doing. Your partner is there to support you and spend time with you. Not to do your dirty work.

6) You should not rely on your partner to take care of you.

This kind of tacks on to my last point. One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when someone gets into a relationship because they want someone to take care of them. GET. A. JOB. AND. TRY. TO. SUPPORT. YOURSELF. Lord. Nothing gets under my skin more than someone who expects to be taken care of. I get that sometimes life circumstances dictate that we don’t always have the best situations. But SERIOUSLY, actually try to do things on your own. Again, nothing wrong with helping out or even accepting help, but do not take your partner for granted.

In Conclusion:

Alright, to simplify things for you: Just don’t be a dick. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. And if you can’t, just… avoid relationships in general. Trust me, it’ll be better off that way. :)