Guardian Angel

Here is where my heart break begins. Fifteen years ago or more (not really sure since that memory is no longer a happy one) I decided that I wanted someone in my life that I knew would have unconditional love for me and I didn't have to feel as if my world needed a constant shake just to wake me up. The crazy part is I knew exactly who I wanted to have in my life that would give me this precious gift.

Unexpectedly he walked back in and wow everything I had felt I was missing was so close yet still as far away as he was when my mind would not let go of this daydream. Now our reunion didn’t happen quick and that was okay because I still wasn’t sure about myself and what I could actually endure. But here I was again dealing in this fantasy world just to keep that dream a part of my happy place until I could figure out what I could use to replace it. It seemed the universe had other ideas for me that year and I was able to fix that piece of my heart that had been torn out. I felt happy again on the outside but there was even now something that was lacking on the inside so much so that as years went by, I forgot what it was that had I wanted the most.

Out of sight out of mind right that’s what is said about something you haven’t seen for a while, so you forget it even exist.

Do you know how that feels to finally receive a gift you thought you'll never get? Something you stopped looking for because deep in that other smallest part of your heart you felt that, that gift just wasn’t meant to be given to you. Well, surprise in 2013 it was given to me and just as fast it was taken from me. I took a test at home and immediately called my big sister. I was scared of the possibility even though it was something I had wanted. I was set to visit her that year and she had booked an appointment for me to visit 3D imaging place and upon my visit in April that year with her I was able to see my daughter.

I didn’t know I was pregnant because it wasn’t something I was looking for and I didn’t pay attention to any signs. Four months pregnant and for a few weeks I was able to enjoy the thoughts of one day holding her in my arms and loving who was going to become the most important person in my life. I started the process of taking prenatal pills and visiting the doctors as I was supposed to because you don’t mistreat what you love. I had neglected her for far too long since I was unaware of her existence. No matter what I did it wouldn’t have been enough. Once again what the universe gives the universe takes away. In May while home my water broke and oh was, I terrified I knew this wasn’t good and there was nothing that could be done. No fluid for her to survive in and me thinking after the hospital visit, I would go home and hope that she would make it through. While at the hospital I just couldn’t fathom the thought that they presented to me as the only option. However, later that day I went back to the hospital and had to deliver my baby girl into a world that she’ll never see.

We held her in our arms for as long as we could. My utmost regret that day was not having the means to do something so simple as give her back to the earth. I had no one again in my corner to help me properly provide my daughter with a genuine send off. It was my fault that I didn’t ask anyone allowing pride to win over what was right to do for her. I’ve never admitted to anyone that, that one decision was the catalyst that ripped my heart into pieces. Every day since I have managed to hold that inside of me not wanting to hear anyone speak on what I should have done.

Later on, at a doctor’s checkup I learned that I have a short cervix also called incompetent cervix. Now what the fuck level of proper thought did someone decide that this name was the best to help a woman understand that she was in capable of carrying her child full term. The worst meaning ever to describe it. I also learned that if I did become pregnant again there was something, I could do about making sure that I was able to fully carry a child within me without miscarriage.

(Smiling) Later that year I found out I was pregnant again with my miracle baby my rainbow child whom I did carry full term with the help of progesterone shots to strengthen my cervix. Another daughter. Breathing again to know that even though this miscarriage was the greatest lost in my life she gave me knowledge of something that I wasn’t aware I had. Because of Hope (daughter) brought me those shattered pieces back with the presence of my other daughter to mend enough of my heart. Then with my last child (son) 2 years after my second daughter.

Even though she is gone her wings still soar.