Goodbye. Yours, Eve.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just need to tell you that I’m not okay in the slightest. I’m going to try so hard to carry on as if nothing has happened, but it’s hard. So very hard.
I watched as the hands on the clock ticked away seconds, then minutes. I couldn’t remember how long I’d been staring at the hands making their way around the never ending circle. The feeling of dread filled me as my tears once again swirled through my vision. It was too late now to stop them from falling. I gave in and I could feel the sobs racking my body. My mind was far stronger than my withered heart ever will be, and brought my hand over my mouth to silence the cries escaping my lips. The same lips that had once voiced their concern and worry for the very person who now brought them suffering. I sat there crying for hours or days, I don’t know which one. Eventually the tears ran out; one can only cry rivers for so long.
“It seems like the only thing I can control anymore is the shy, well polished exterior I present to the world; look at me now,” I muttered. I sat up, and wrapped my pink blanket tighter around my shoulders. “How can anyone ever fall in love with someone who is so against the flow of traffic? A girl who can’t even walk down the street by herself without shaking in fear?” My voice rose in my throat. “You knew that though, right? You knew how new this world of falling in love was to me. You know now that I’m too different and torn to love anymore.”
My hands moved from my lips to my eyes in a feeble attempt to wipe away the salt from my lashes. I felt around under my pillow for my phone that had been discarded long ago. Chipped fingers danced over the lock screen, and it didn’t take me long to find your name in my messages. Nothing; there was never anything there anymore. It’d been months since our last conversation. Every day I tried again and again to get an explanation or honestly, more than two words out of you. It was never there though, our days of hour long conversations were long gone. All that’s left of your name in my phone is the measly crumbs of support that were offered when you abandoned me.
I ran my hands through my tangled mess of curls, brushing everything up into a ponytail out of my face. Silk ribbon tied in a neat bow wove in and amongst my midnight hair. I rinsed my face in a feeble attempt to erase the rawness of tears that now haunted every corner of my being. Everything must be kept exactly as it always has been. Nothing must show on the surface. Numbly, I pulled cotton dresses and white socks from drawers. Though they were meant to keep me warm, it seemed that nothing could erase the chill in my soul.
My eyes on the ground and mind wandering through the clouds I made my way out of my door and down the street. The sound of my leather boots on concrete was the only sound on the wind. It had been quite awhile since I had last made it on the street to hear the bells, but now their sweet song met my ears. Something about them called my attention. My eyes searched the skyline for the steeple of the abbey. Rays of sun broke through the dark clouds long enough to illuminate the church. Framed for half a second by pale blue sky. It didn’t feel quite real; almost as if it was calling to me and it wanted me to listen to it’s heavenly song. My heart contradicted though, and I kept walking with the tap of my boots keeping rhythm with the angel’s song.
As I neared my bus stop, the sinking feeling of dread returned. It enveloped every inch of my being and my mind began to race with a thousand possibilities of seeing you. With every part of my soul I longed to defy tradition and sit on my lonesome, honestly anything was better than facing you. In my head though, I knew that I must be polite, good, and obedient. Nothing must change and I will face every situation in the exact same way. I could feel my pinky twitching against my side as I stood by the bus stop.
The bus pulled up in front of me and I took a deep breath before climbing up inside. I turned to the driver and offered her an ever polite nod. My lips curled up into a perfectly demure smile as I glanced over the aisle. It was honestly just a habit at this point. I knew exactly where’d he be: fourth seat from the front on the right side of the bus. There he was, as always, his head of blonde curls tucked down towards his phone.
“Good morning!”I smiled as I approached our seat.
“Morning,” he returned half heartedly. I stared for a moment longer waiting for him to slide over for as usual.
“May I sit here?” I asked quizzically. I placed my hand on the back of the torn seat and picked on the stuffing poking out.
“Oh, um, I was actually going to sit with someone else today,” he replied, not meeting my eyes.
“Oh no that’s okay,” I insisted “I have some homework to catch up on anyways, Noah.” I whipped my head around and frantically scanned the seats for a familiar face.
“I’m sorry, Evelyn.”
“Really, it’s all good. I have something to do, besides you know I don’t need to talk to someone to have company.”
I crossed the aisle and sat in the seat across from him. I rummaged through my book bag for a constant friend that I only had in my journal. My eyes tore involuntarily to your new friend as she sat down beside you. She was tall and lanky, with her pale skin covered in a dusting of freckles. I took a deep breath and tried to focus my thoughts back on my work. Despite my intent to stay ever polite, no matter what he did, my ears still overheard bits and pieces of his conversation.
“Do you know Mara?” said the girl who had stolen what had always been my spot. Her perfectly polished fingernails flicked her blonde hair behind her shoulder as she reclined into musty brown seats.
“Mara,” I whispered under my breath. My mind was already spiraling away from myself.
“Oh yeah. Mara and I are real good friends, if you know what I mean,” he smirked, before glancing back over my way and dropping his grin. I ducked my head down again not wanting him to catch me staring.
“Did she, you know, give you one of those things?” She asked, eyeing me across the aisle. Suddenly suspicious of the raven-haired, farm girl, fairy creature.
“Yeah she did, but I’m still not used to it yet. We shouldn’t talk about this here though.” I watched as his eyes darted back over to me again.
A thick, sticky, clump slid down my throat, like a lump of molasses. I breathed deeply and pulled off the cap of my black pen. Flipping through the last month of my life; I finally reached a stark white page.
I thought it was all a joke. I refuse to write it down that you would destroy your life like this. Why would you do that to your lovely, sweet voice? Do you want me to have panic attacks for you? Do you want me to obsess over your well-being every second of every day? Why would you hurt yourself in such a way where you only gain a few moments of pleasure? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I guess you must have only showed me the pieces of you that you chose to. I had always guessed you were different than I was. I knew you went to parties every week, and that you would message me, drunk, at 12:30 in the morning. I just didn’t think it would ever go this far.
I could feel my chest seize around my heart and my lungs sucked in rasping breaths. My lips released a gasp I couldn’t control.
“Hey, Evelyn? Are you feeling alright?” Noah questioned. His voice laced with false concern.
“Yes, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me,” I managed to stutter out before ducking down again. It all clicked for me then. It was like a million fragments of stained glass suddenly formed a window before my eyes.
I know what’s wrong, Noah. Your usual, intoxicating scent is gone. It’s always been there and now it’s gone. Perhaps, it’s never even been there at all. Have I imagined that all along? If I have, why has it now soured so terribly? Is it some sort of sign? I’ve been telling myself for a month how much I despise you. I think it’s just now that I finally believe my own words. Nothing could erase your light from my life until now. Not when I learned so many terrible things about you. The girlfriends I didn’t know you had, the lying, and all the wonder of this new adventure that you stole from me. This pushed me over the edge though. Noah, I’m done waiting for you to come to your senses. I never should have let you get a hold on me. I suppose I’m partly to blame as well, for being so stupid and trusting. I’m done now though. Go and throw your life away if you want to, but I won’t stand by and watch you do it.
Goodbye. Yours, Evelyn.
I closed my journal and capped my pen. I took a deep breath of your sour scent and shifted my body to stare at the little raindrops race down the window.
“Goodbye, Noah. I wish you luck, wherever you may go,” I whispered as I stepped off the bus. My heart felt so light as I spun down the path to the school. There was no need for journals, sketchbooks, or closed eyes to find my happy place anymore. Despite the mouldy, tear stained walls of the building around me, I was flying in an ethereal world of snowy white flowers, that stretched as far as the eye could see. I practically waltzed through my classes that day. Even the dreariness of cramped classrooms would not cage me. You’d never see a girl happier to be free of the bonds that had held her fast for what felt like eons.
My dress swirled around my hips as I twirled down the hallways. Nothing could hold me down right then. Some part of my mind still sent the warning signal to my heart that he would be there after school, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t ever going to let a boy get the better of me ever again. As I approached the dark wooden door of the library, I took a deep breath and turned the cool metal doorknob. It was as if I had opened up a wonderful little capsule of old paper, leather, and cedar wood.
The clatter of close friends chattering and the soft scraping of pencils on paper met my ears. I scanned the tables for a familiar face, but all I saw was my empty seat next to Noah. My head whipped around back to the other side of the library. I don’t know if he saw my eyes darting around the room, or the bracelet I was anxiously twirling around my wrist, but he rescued me. My knight in shining armour beckoned me from across the room, saving me from any further pain.
“Hey, could you help me with something?” The boy asked.
“Of course. What do you need?” I replied heading over to his sunlit table in the corner. I could already feel my fingers relaxing as I sat down beside him.
“I was wondering if you had any book suggestions?” His coy smile escaped from the corner of his mouth, his fingers tapping on the table.
“I love to read. What were you looking for?” I smiled quizzically at him.
“May I be honest with you?” He asked; staring directly into my blue eyes, with his own warm brown saucers peering up at me.
“I wouldn’t want you to be anything else with me,” I nodded. I looked him up and down. He seemed older than I was and was wearing the standard attire of most guys my age: a t-shirt, flannel, and a pair of ripped jeans.
“I don’t need a book.” He whispered, leaning into my ear.
“Then what do you need me for?” I puzzled, cocking my head to the side
“You looked lost. Like you were trying to avoid someone, but not wanting to seem rude,” he replied. His eyes flicked to Noah’s table as he rested his head on his hand.
“Are you a mind reader?” I giggled.
“If I am, I’m not a very good one as I still don’t know your name,” he smiled, running a hand through his chestnut hair.
“Oh I’m sorry! I’m Evelyn,” I smiled running my hands down my floral skirt. Evelyn, don’t you dare fall for him. The last one hurt you too much. You don’t need this right now. Just let it go, dear.
“Evelyn,” he muttered trying the name out in the open air, “I like it, though you won’t mind if I call you Eve, right?”
“Not at all. I think I might even like Eve more. Now sir, how about you?” I said, my smile escaping the corners of my lips.
“Perfect,” He smiled; his lovely round laugh filling out the room. “My name is Alan.”
“Well it’s very nice to meet you, Alan.” I bobbed my head and raised my eyes back to his. A polite sort of curtsy that sent my dark hair in front of my eyes.
“Do you always talk like that?” He teased.
“I’m trying to break it. It’s just the way I was brought up I guess,” I shrugged.
“It’s a little strange, but it suits you in a way.”
“What do you mean, Alan?” I asked as I leaned forward into my hands.
“It’s kind of mysterious and old fashioned. You don’t seem to give much of yourself away. It’s been a few minutes of talking to you and I know almost nothing about you. You seem set in your ways or your parents ways. I haven’t decided yet. Your strange, and mystical, like a fairy or an elf creature. Also the dress is definitely not a new thing,” he stated, running his hand over my skirt.
“I think you know as much about me as you should know for me just sitting down beside you. I don’t exactly have a habit of speaking to strangers,” I replied.
“Is that what this is for then?” He asked pulling my journal across the table towards him and thumbing through the pages. “Is this where you talk to people?”
I snatched the book out of his hands and pulled it tight to my chest. The gasp that escaped me came out loud enough to turn the heads of the tables nearest to us. The glare he received was a piece of me I had not used in a very long time.
“Don’t touch that,” I breathed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was that personal. I just wanted to read about your fantasy friends. I write as well you know.”
“Oh? You didn’t strike me as a writer type,” I peered back up at him, my hands still clutching my book.
“I can see why, but I’m actually writing a novel.”
“That’s amazing!” I beamed. “Could I read it sometime?”
“You didn’t let me read your journal,” he said, his face falling dead serious
I opened my mouth to reply, but I suppose the expression on my face must have dropped very quickly as he jumped in again with his quick flowing words.
“Relax, Eve. I’m just kidding,” he tapped my knee “Don’t worry. Of course you can read it.”
“I’m so excited!”
“Do you want to meet here the same time tomorrow? I’ve got an essay to write.”
“I’ll be there,” I replied.
“Great,” he stood and rested his hand on my shoulder, “I’ll see you tomorrow then. Have a great day, Eve.”
“You too, Alan,” I called after him.
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. I reached into my bag and pulled out my pen. Flipping open my journal, I pulled out a new piece of crisp parchment.
Although it’s raining it feels like spring to me now. You don’t know this, but it’s taking all my power not to burst into song this second. I’m so happy! I don’t feel scared to be near you like I did with him. I really must get going home before anyone notices I’m gone, but what’s the harm in indulging in a couple of sentences? I’m praying for you and wishing you all the luck in the world today. I don’t care if this amounts to nothing in the end, but know that I’m thankful for your rescue regardless of the outcome.