Goodbye To My Narcissistic Abuser
Goodbye To The Narcissist I Once Loved
How do you get over four years of loving someone with every last fiber of your being? How do you go on knowing that this nightmare is real? How do you stop the tears that just seem to keep falling? How do you watch the person you once considered to be your everything disappear and be replaced with someone you don't know? How do you get over the loss of what you had always hoped would be a forever deal? How do you tell yourself not to love that person anymore? How do you tell your heart that it's over for good even though your head has known it was for some time? How do you tell your mind that every kiss, every hug, and every intimate moment you shared was all built on lies? How do you watch the one you once loved love someone else? How do you get over every moment of laughter? How do you get over the struggles and the heartaches the both of you once shared? How do you survive the loss of your best friend? How do you explain to others how you feel so that they can truly understand and respond appropriately? How do you say goodbye to all of your yesterdays? How do you know what (if anything) was real and what was fake? How do you train yourself to not think about that person? How do you teach yourself to no longer care?
I have been thinking about these things nonstop for what feels like forever. I find myself reliving our last day together in my head trying to figure out just what the hell went wrong. I keep trying to tell myself that this has got to be some kind of horrible nightmare that will end as soon as I manage to wake up and that you will be there laying in bed beside me with one arm tucked behind your head and the other outstretched with me laying in the crook of it nestled up beside you in our nice warm bed where there was love and the cold remained something that was found in the crisp air outside. I keep thinking about your lips and how perfectly soft they were and how safe and warm I always felt when wrapped in your arms. There was never anywhere else I wanted to be. I remember the first time you ever told me that you loved me and find myself wondering if it was all just one big lie? I mean when you love someone aren't you supposed to fight for them to stay with you and not want them to turn their back and walk away? Is there a new brand of love that makes it okay to hurt the one whose heart you're supposed to hold dear? I once dreamed about marrying you and having our own little family, in a big house, with a yard and kids and all the love and warmth in the world. I dreamed that our love would make others jealous and long for the love that you and I shared but ALL of my dreams were shattered when you decided to lie to me and treat me like an object instead of a person. You managed to shatter my already damaged heart like a vase that had once been already broken. You did it with such malice and such contempt it left me utterly unable to breathe. I tried with everything I had in me to be what you wanted me to be. I tried to be everything you could ever possibly need. It was all for not. I once thought that love was the corner stone of all relationships and that all relationships were built on love, trust and honesty. All I got from you was lies, broken trust and infidelity. You were the man I looked at as my personal hero when in reality you were anything but. You disguised your evil intentions extremely well. You acted like a knight in shining armor rushing in to save me, only to leave me far worse than I had been before you ever came along. I sit and cry and curse your name and tell myself how different things would be right now if I had never met you. I'd probably have found someone who would have loved me.
I might possibly have been a hundred times happier and maybe even married with the house and the yard and the family. I know that relationships are not like those in books and sappy Lifetime TV movies but I also know that loving someone is not supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to make you feel like you're on top of the world not like you're on the edge of it while barely holding on by a string. I know that one day I will get over the way I currently feel and I will move on and heal my heart enough to the point where I will be able to trust someone enough to fall in love again. I wonder if you will ever grow up and realize what you lost when you lost me? I was your biggest fan, your supporter through thick and through thin and you let me go so you could live like a child. You wanted no responsibility for anything, you never wanted to admit to your faults you only wanted a scapegoat, someone to blame for your anger issues and your misbehavior. You wanted someone to use and abuse as you saw fit. You wanted someone to could treat as an object, something you could play with and then toss away when you have had enough of it. You wanted someone to bully to make you feel better about yourself. You never wanted to love or be love you just wanted to fill your narcissistic needs.
You are a sociopath. I know that I deserve better and I know that one day I will find better than you, but for now I'm done with trying to find love from now on I'm going to let love find me. I am worth it. You are not and sadly you never were. I wasted four years of my life trying to love you and trying to be whatever you wanted me to be just so you would love me. I will no longer do this for anyone. I will no longer sacrifice my dignity or my morals. I am worth so much more than you were ever worth having. I may miss having someone beside me at night but that will NEVER be a good enough reason for me to be with anyone. I will only give my heart to someone who is worthy of having it. Someone who will take care of it and never do anything to hurt me. You are not worth my time, my heart or my love. This is the last time I will ever allow you to waste my time or energy. After today I will no longer waste even a single breath speaking your name for today I am officially declaring my independence from you. Today I am officially free of your abuse. I will no longer be a prisoner to your memory. Today I say goodbye to Christopher and hello to myself. I will not carry hate for you in my heart instead I will carry a prayer for you to get your shit straight and finally find some peace so that one day you will know how to love and to be loved. I wish you luck and I pray you find your way out of the darkness that encompasses your heart and mind so you can finally see the light that life has to offer. Maybe one day you will be worth my friendship but I honestly will not hold my breath waiting for that day to come (if it ever does). This is my final goodbye. Today is my independence day. Goodbye Christopher.