Giving Up On Love is Giving Up On Yourself

Every relationship failure inflicts our feelings of pain and betrayal. The voice inside our head is screaming, “I give you a privilege to reside in a sacred space inside my heart, not only you didn’t value it, but you also trashed and demolished my safe space!”

Despite there is so much joy and ecstasy in falling in love, staying in love is not always easy. It requires us to be vulnerable and raw with ourselves and our partner. A deep and intimate relationship requires two hearts that curiously get to know each without any agenda in many layers. The depth of a relationship’s bonding is dependent upon the willingness of both partners to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable makes us drop our masks and get naked. This exposes us to getting hurt, rejected, and betrayed. We are also subjected to judgments and expectations. This feels scary for many of us. We prefer to hide our true self and stay shallow without being emotionally available to our partner. Yet this is the main reason why many relationships fail. The majority of relationships end because of betrayal of trust from not having adequate support from our partner during our most difficult times. Hence, with every love story ending, there is a need for healing so that we can rebuild our trust in love once again.

Our desire to be loved feels like the need to quench our thirst in the middle of the desert. We learned from infancy to obtain love primarily from external. This conditioning taught us to find safety and security in our loved ones. And receiving external love comes with conditions of meeting their demands. Remember how often your parents made you follow their orders and acted against your wishes. Otherwise, you had to face the consequence of disciplinary actions.

This made us question the existence of unconditional love. Does true love available for me? And what does it feel like? A love with no pain and expectations to deny our true selves or desires for every euphoria it has to offer. Unfortunately, only babies and puppy dogs can offer this kind of unconditional love. Because their essence is purity and innocence.

For the majority of human beings, our love comes with conditions. These conditions are projections of our inner struggles, insecurities, and disappointments. Our expectations are simply our love rejection patterns. Hence, the more we love someone, the harder for both parties to simply enjoy the relationship with no expectations. Because our fear of losing love is stronger and drives us to control our partner for protecting our safety and security.

This fear of losing love is an expression of the wounded inner child within us who feels threatened by getting rejected and abandoned. She (he) will do everything in her (his) capacity to regain love and acceptance, including losing herself or giving away her (his) power. A relationship becomes an arena for power struggles.

When a relationship becomes toxic, please remember to choose yourself first. Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean we have to be with the person. When we truly love someone, we want what’s best for them. At times, the best way to love someone is to let them go so they can find their own happiness.

As Rumi eloquently expressed in his poem:

I choose to love you in silence … for in silence I find no rejection

I chose to love you in loneliness … for in loneliness no one owns you but me

I chose to adore you from a distance … for a distance will shield me from pain

I chose to kiss you in the wind … for the wind is gentler than my lips

I chose to hold you in my dreams …for in my dreams you have no end

Having experienced multiple relationship failures, I understand how hard it is to trust love again. The fear of getting hurt and being let down becomes stronger after ending a relationship. Staying single and focusing on my life is an easier option. After all, we can rejuvenate our heart through self-love, right? Self-love is essential but it cannot replace the love we receive from others. We are social creatures after all. We were born alone and will die alone, but we are destined to enjoy our life journey with someone. For every soul on this planet, there is a mate who agreed to support our spiritual evolution. A healthy relationship enriches our life experience.

Further, living without love can make our own light goes out of spark. Receiving love will rekindle the spark inside our heart. There is an immense blissful feeling from having a healthy relationship. A mature relationship is also a vessel for our spiritual growth. Please trust that the universe will send the right person to light up the flame within us.

Don’t give up on love. Seek the right partner who can accept you as who you are and be supportive of your evolution process. Unconditional love will not demand you to change but instead, offer you a safety net to heal. A relationship is a partnership to collaboratively handle challenges alongside empowering each other in realizing an individual’s highest potential.