Giving Too Much And Then Jumping Ship When You're "Done" Is Not Creating A Boundary!

Have you ever given too much of yourself, and then when you took a step back, it felt like someone had taken advantage of you? Don’t worry- I’m not here to judge. After all, it takes one to know one!

I’ve been helping someone out with a difficult situation this month. Someone who is…sort of a friend? Not to put this person down, but it’s kind of a funny part of the story that we haven’t met! Basically, I’ve been going to great lengths to help a stranger who is going through a sort of out-of-the-ordinary life situation that I happen to have gone through last year.

When I learned of their situation, I was more than happy to hop on the phone and do what I could to offer help, support, and resources. I had no problem spending hours on that initial call. I was tired and it cut into my plans for that day, but I wanted to help.

But then it was another call, emails, texts… more three hour calls, and all of a sudden I feel like I’ve taken on an unpaid part-time job and now I don’t want to offer to help anyone ever again. Okay. That’s a little extreme. It’s only mostly true.

Last week I spent well over ten hours assisting with this situation- spread out across time on the phone, texting, and procuring resources. I feel like I have been sucked dry, but I still want to help. It sort of feels impossible. But it’s not…

What finally gave me a more tangible understanding of how deep of a hole I’ve dug myself into was the text I got yesterday. (And for reference, let’s go back and emphasize that I do take responsibility.)

Without going into the specifics, I have provided a lot of time-sensitive material for this person, and after they said, “oh yeah, I’ll check that out later this week”- they followed up with “send more when you can.”

I have literally somehow become this person’s personal assistant, doing their dirty work. I have listened to this person cry and struggle and though I really tried to give them resources in a way that they could do the work alone, their lack of proactive-ness has made it hard. So , I have done the typical Bonnie thing and taken all the brunt of this group project and now I feel tired and disgruntled and tired. Yes, I did mean to say tired twice.

But my choices are my responsibility!

Now — Did this person take more than I think is okay? Well, yes, I actually believe that’s a fair statement. Honestly, the taker-vibes are strong.

But is this all her fault? Is my burnout her fault? No.

Because even if it is her “fault”- I’m an adult and it’s my job to protect my boundaries.

Reacting to someone taking more than you feel is appropriate is not the same as having a boundary- it’s closer to failing to have a boundary.

I’m not saying it would have been easy to establish exactly how much energy and time I was willing to give- but something needed to happen, and that’s on me.

So as I shake my head and say, “how did I end up in this position again,” I am also taking the time to double check the rope bridge that got me here.

What really gives me perspective is not on what I’ve done over the last 6 weeks because I felt I was supposed to… what gives me perspective is my breaking point.

I don’t usually hit a breaking point at all, but when I got a text from this person that made me sound like their assistant, I wanted to block their number. And all of a sudden, my entire childhood flashed before my eyes.

You know who instilled this habit of helping in me? You know who taught me to go above and beyond for others? My mother. You will never meet anyone as generous. If I had one image of my mother, it’s her on the phone- on the phone while she should have been enjoying her life, giving her attention to her kids… She did all the normal stuff, worked, took care of her family, but in every moment a normal person uses for leisure whether scrolling TikTok, exercising, or having a hobby- she was on the phone, helping people, often from early in the morning until late at night.

But… sorry mom. (This is part of why I don’t allow her to read things I write) I have to say it… you know what I also learned from her? The most generous woman of all time was constantly angry. She worked until she resented you.

My mom doesn’t really understand boundaries- she won’t abandon you. She will never take a break, give you a limit… But she will also never forget how you overworked her- how much her life was impacted.

I have never hit that side of this fatal flaw, but now I see it deep within me and I refuse to become it. I have never seen this color of blood in my veins- and the way I felt my blood boil the other day… Yikes. But, that’s okay. Because now I know.

Boundaries are more trendy to talk about than ever these days, but they are a lot more rounded out than people make them out to be.

Sometimes its good to be able to detach- to say NO and walk away…There are definitely times to cut and run. To say, “I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS SITUATION”. But more, often a healthy boundary is something people should not ever see us building.

There is a lot of published fodder on boundaries- we see this often in relationships, in regards to problematic situations.

If you have a racist relative, no one is going to fault you for saying “if you cannot refrain from saying x, y, and z, we cannot spend time together.” But it’s not usually like that.

More often, if you practice, you can build a pre-boundary boundary. Okay, that phrase isn’t going to take off… but maybe you’ll remember it because of how goofy it sounds!

A boundary doesn’t mean we live in extremes. It means we live in an emotionally and physically health space of taking care of ourselves however we need to, whether that means drawing closer or nearer to a situation.

I have seen so many people walk away from problematic things or people. I get it. I support it- because we can all do what we want! But I’ve also seen people regret the big black lines they’ve drawn because they didn’t see another option at the time!

But creating a black sharpie boundary always has consequences and sometimes you really just need a little pencil (with an eraser) to make sure you don’t get sucked dry. You can always go over your pencil markings with something more permanent!