First off, let me give you a little reminder of how much I love you and how much you mean to me, each and every day. I know these past few weeks have been quite the roller coaster for us and our relationship has been tested quite a few times, but we keep on keeping on like the fighters we are.
I do apologize for if I have made you feel bad the past few weeks, especially the past few days. I know my mood has been quite bipolar, day to day to day. There’s just a lot going on in my life that I just don’t know how to talk about it or if I even want to share them with you, but I feel like it would be healthier for me if I let it all out.
Since sharing my feelings face-to-face is the hardest thing for me, I figured I would type them out. I was just going to text it to you but it’s too long to type. I didn’t want to post it anywhere online either because I don’t want the attention or people’s pity. So I’ll leave it here.
Here we go.
The Sunday we went through our little bump on the road was a really rough day for me, and to be completely honest, I’m still not okay. A part of me still feels so dark and broken, and I’m not really sure how to fix it. I think it’s mostly because before that day, while everything in my life seemed shaky and questionable, I felt like I still had a grip on the one person I plan on spending my entire life with, so you could only imagine the way I felt inside when what happened, happened. That day I was just ready to give up on everything, including us, and I’m so upset that I gave up so easily, without putting up any kind of fight because you truly are worth that fight for me.
But let’s rewind a week or two before hand. For the past month or so I’ve been really hard on myself, and I know I usually am but I find a way of balancing out my mood, but not this time. Everything just felt like it was slipping away, my dreams, my goals, my family, my friends, just everything. I’ve been questioning a lot whether I’m happy with my life, and where I’m at, and my response has been no each time. Usually I would be my own support system if I ever lacked one. I’ve always been there to draw all negativity out of my life by reminding myself that if I don’t like something, I have the power to change it. But even that has been really hard to do lately. I’ve just been really hard on myself.
I think I just always planned being somewhere completely different in life than where I am now, but with life came changes and circumstances, and I’ve been so stubborn about trying to push through it all instead of going with the flow that I’ve become really drained and powerless. No, I’m not blaming you for any of these drawbacks or setbacks that I’ve been feeling, on the contrary, I blame myself for not seeing you as the passenger beside me on this ride through life. I’ve just been so used to doing everything on my own and being my own force, that I’m still not used to someone else beside me, being as equal of a force, or just to take my hand and give me the support I need. I think it just goes back to the lack of confidence I have in myself when it comes to trusting people, because I’ve been hurt so much in life that I’m used to protecting myself the best I can before it happens again. I’m learning that I can’t place other people’s faults or damages on you, or anybody really.
That’s probably why I never know how to deal with us, and it’s what hurts the most. I felt you slipping away from me quite some time ago, and instead of trying to draw you back, I just withdrew and watched it happen, and inside it would make me so upset and I would become angry at you for no reason at all. And then I would feel so sad because I knew I was making you feel sad or angry or worthless, but I just never got the courage to change it. I knew my lack of attention to you got bigger and bigger but I never choose to make an effort or let you know how much value you have to me. On the contrary, I would become even angrier because I would see you search for others to fill the void that I was creating, and in my mind I let myself believe that it was okay for me to do the same. And I know this all sound ridiculous now, and you might think I’m crazy, insane or just heartless, but this is how I deal with things in my mind, so you could see why being courageous is my biggest opportunity in life. It was last month that I realized what I was doing, and that I wasn’t happy with it at all. I wasn’t sure sure how to approach you with it either, and I think that’s why I never did.
But while this was going on, I just felt so alone because I could never share these feelings with anyone. I felt, and to some extent, continue to feel like I’m so alone in life. I’ve given up on so many friendships that I once had and the thought of my family continuing to say they love me but still judging me, has been eating at me. Luckily, I’ve been working on gaining my friends back, but I know we’ll never have the same relationship we had as before. I can only hope that in the future I can have a better one with them, or better yet, them with us.
Onto my family, especially my mother, is the one topic I really wished you would have wanted to hear about. I still kind of wished you would have asked me what was wrong that night with me because all I needed was to talk to you. This is probably my biggest frustration with you, that when you ask what’s wrong and I am slow to answer or just can’t come out and say it, you get so flustered and upset with me that it makes me not want to talk to you. Or you ask me what’s wrong, while your eyes are glued to the TV or on your phone that I just choose to stay silent. I wished you would just take the second to realize I’m having a hard time, maybe reach in for a hug and a kiss, let me know everything is going to be okay and tell me that you’re here to listen to me when I’m ready to talk. I think in my mind I have this whole image of you doing certain things that I want you to do, but they never happen. I know this is crazy, because how can anyone know anything if I don’t let them know. It’s crazy that I have these expectations, and get so upset when they don’t happen. I’ve realized I have a lot of these expectations for you, and I’m sorry about that.
I think I just expect you to know when I want to be alone or when I want you to hold me hand. I expect you to know when I want something done or to be patient. I expect you to kiss me good morning and kiss me good night each day. I expect you to want to go to bed and wake up with me so that we can spend all of our day together, whether it’s to go out or we choose to have a lazy day. I always expect you to like everything I do, and change your mind on the things I don’t. I expect you to remind me of how much I mean to you and that I’m the most beautiful boy in your eyes and that you’re so happy with us. I expect you to sincerely ask how my day went and get excited with the good news I share with you. I expect you to hug me at random times when I least expect it or just reach out for my hand when we’re in public. I expect you to let everyone you come across know how proud you are of me and how happy I make you. I think I just expect for you to share everything with me, you past, your future, your feelings, your friends, your family, what makes you sad, how your day actually went and whether you want to eat dinner together instead of separately. I don’t know why I thought it was okay in my mind to have all these expectations for you, when I don’t even have these expectations for myself when it comes to you.
I think I still have these expectations for you, but at least now, after 3 years, I’m finally letting you know.
The Monday we decided to work on us again instead of giving up, made me really appreciate the time I get to spend with you. I felt the love that I once had for you in the very beginning reigniting, and I saw you for that beautiful boy I first laid eyes on that cool October day, and knowing you were the one. Suddenly I just wanted to spend my entire day with you, watching TV, cuddling on the couch, making and eating dinner together, spending time just talking to each other and going out each day like when we first started dating. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach again and I continued to see myself smile each time you laid eyes on me. I got the excitement I used to get when seeing your messages come through my phone, knowing you were thinking of me at the moment. All I wanted to do while we laid in bed was hold onto you so tight and kiss your beautiful cheeks over and over again. All I wanted to talk to people about was how happy I was again and how happy you continued to make me. But a few days later, inside I just felt like these feelings weren’t the feelings you were having; and it could just be my state of imagination or looking too into things, but I questioned whether it would ever be as before, or even better than before.
You might not be aware of it, but you seem to talk a lot when you sleep, when you’re heavily sleeping. I noticed it for the first time when I used to stay the night with you. Sometimes you make really random comments, or say people’s names, sometimes you say things that really hurt my feelings but I never take them too personal because I know you’re sleeping. But I do stay in bed wondering about everything I’ve heard you say before. 4 nights ago you made a comment that really broke my heart. I reached in to just cuddle and put my arms around you because I couldn’t sleep and you told me to let go and to get away. You never woke up or opened your eyes but it really took me by surprise. I know it’d be dumb to get mad at you about this, but in a way I did, and you had no idea why I was in a rocky mood that morning.
I don’t doubt your love for us by any means, I have complete confidence in what we have, but I also know that it’s going to be a process to reach the happiness that we are both wanting. I guess it’s true what they say about love, that it’s not hard to fall in love, because people could fall in love over and over easily with just about anyone, the true test is learning to love that person time after, in our case, 3 years later. People say that most people just blame their partners for how unhappy they are and start to look elsewhere for that thrilling feeling again, in most cases, with another person. And let’s be real, if we plan on staying together for forever, forever is a really long time and I don’t want us to ever feel like this. I know it’s just going to get harder and stressful as time goes on, but I’m learning that we have each other to support us and together we can take on anything that comes our way.
I know I’ve said before that we would spend forever together, and while maybe at times I questioned it before or couldn’t really understand what I fully meant by that, hold certain that today I can say it with full confidence. I know I’ve always said that the future is what scares me and that I could never really see a marriage working out because I was just happy knowing that we had each other. But I want more than that because I know there’s something more to look forward to.
I can’t wait for the next stage in our life when one of us says “YES” to the other through a proposal that would make any other couple jealous of us, to the day that we’re both dressed so nice and spiffy and are saying “I DO” to the other. I can truly say, that’s what I’m most excited for in these next few years, I think I’m ready to make that lifetime commitment with you. Just imagine that feelings we’ll have once we walk into our first home, knowing that it will one day all that empty space will be filled with our dream and goals, and the laughter of children, and the noise of all our cats and dogs; it’s going to be quite the journey. I just can’t wait, it’s going to be amazing; we’re going to be amazing.
I know I probably said a lot of things that might hurt your feelings while you are reading this or maybe things that you just didn’t want to hear, but this is how I’ve been feeling and why I’ve been acting the way I have been lately. I do apologize for everything that I’ve put you through due to my lack of insecurities and confidence. If ever you see me down, remind me to smile and I’ll do the same for you, because you’re the most beautiful when you smile. You have a beautiful smile.
I’m not really sure where I was going with this; when I write, it tends to get a little out of control at times and I have the hardest time finding a stopping point. But just another reminder of how much that I love you, and when I say I love you, I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand the complexity of just how much. Thanks for putting up with me for this long and through all my messes and breakdowns. Thanks for reminding me not to be so hard on myself and to take the time to appreciate the smallest things in life, and that it’s okay to be a kid again, despite my old age.