Friends, Feelings, and Trust

Have I been too mean to other people I really don’t know?

Too standoffish, too much.

Last night I just had the realization that sometimes people matter more than I let myself feel.

I have lived by myself, with only myself, for as long as I can remember. I had a hard time making friends and letting people close enough to know me.

Up until two years ago, I really thought that I was living disassociated throughout the world. Two years ago, was also the same time that someone reminded me that I have to trust people and let them in to not feel alone, even if you only really trust one person.

Lately, I’ve been really struggling to trust the same person that taught me to trust.

But, I know, I’m learning a lot about myself because of it.

I have been thinking about the choices that I’ve made trusting people and letting them in while I’ve been in the UK. I’m starting to rethink the things I’ve done so far and who I let cloud my judgement.

When I first came to the UK, I met my dearest friend here. However, we run in two very different circles in terms of how we view people. And… he has a very strong personality.

Which to be honest, I need someone with a strong personality to match mine.

But sometimes, because we are so different, so much of how we view things can get clouded one way or another. So, generally, his view is seen as the view of both of us.

I let it happen though.

I let things like this happen because I don’t like conflict. But, I’m at the point in my life where I am not afraid of it and I need to address the way things have been.

I am also very lucky because we are so honest with each other that it makes it very easy to just say things like “you know, I really think that I am not showing people me” and not have that be a breaking point.

This post may be just about me and what I need, but I think now, I’m trying to point out that it’s okay to lose yourself, but when something doesn’t feel right, listen to why.

Last night, was one of the times where I realized that people don’t know me because I have let someone represent me. But I also realized that I judge too quickly, which is something I have always done, and I need to work on it.

BUT

That does not mean that I have to be friends with everyone. It just means that I have to listen to myself and not what everyone says and agree with that.

❉

You know, to be honest, after reading through this post, I realize that most of it is so situational and that this is more like a diary.

But I also realize I am going through so much right now and I am in a state of change.

I want to welcome this period of change with open arms and an open mind. I think that I have to be more intuitive. Intuition means a lot to me, and I have closed that part of myself to be more protective of my feelings. However, my intuitions are my feelings and I am trying to be more aware of the power that feelings hold in my life.

I guess to try and sum this up, I want to be more aware of my presence in the world and the presence of feelings in my world.