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Friends & Feelings are like bridges you will get over them one day!

Conversation with myself to get over a so called Best Friend.

By SerafinaPublished 3 years ago 23 min read
2
Friendship loss hurt more than a breakup.

Me:“How you feeling right now? I feel like You need to vent about something.”

Also Me: “I do I need to get alot of stuff off my chest. I need to vent about people who pretend to be your bestfriend and then stab you in the back And treat you like you did something to them. Yeah those non-bestfriends.”

......

Oh don’t mind me I’m just looking in the mirror trying to convince myself I’m not mad about the current situation between me and my bestfriend. Well Excuse me...apparently as of now we are no longer friends. I Recently was so fucking kind and spared the little bit of space I had in my apartment for this ungrateful woman. Oh let me not forget her two kids and her fiancé. Now when I say Fiance I say that with a disgruntled face. See friends are not supposed to make you feel bad and they also are not supposed to take advantage of you. She did all of this and then turned around and blocked me on Facebook and other social media networks as if I threw shit in her face. I had to kick her and her family out unfortunately. However there are reasons for why I do certain things. You see growing up I always felt like I should be that positive person who always helps others when they were need. I always believed in the motto “If I can help I’m going to do my best”. See I met this girl back in 2010 in college. When I think about the old memories of college I of course zoom thru the thoughts of the people I encounterd.

Flashback: Thinking about the friends I made and she was one of the first friends I made. We got so close that we became almost inseparable but then life caught her. She had to grow up faster than the rest of us because she was expecting a child. Many “friends” left her side according to her but I still stayed & helped her with so many aspects of her life. Both of us had our own personal things going on and these situations caused us to separate for a while. She went thru her struggles as did I. Couple of years passed by with that time it allowed us to mature more. As we rekindled our emotional and physical distance driven friendship she was ultimately my bestfriend. Overtime I became closer with her children and I was concidered thier God Mother. She started to make other friends which I was very happy about but the way she moved with them was the way she moved with me. And she spoke highly of them and I only hope she spoke of me like that to other ppl. So yeah I was a little jelly everytime she went out with her friends. See I’m a little be of a introvert and I am social but I tend to be anti-social to at times. With her knowing this she asked me to come out at times but she slowly started to not ask me to go anywhere anymore and was always out with her friends or her boyfriend and friends. I tried to be a good friend to her but I guest my lack of wanting to go out all the time bothered her. I Tried to hold on to our friendship but once I started to feel like I was kissing her ass and begging for a friendship I backed off. Once I backed off she said to me “your not dependable” and made me feel in some way guilty for backing off. I felt that our friendship was dwindling in the wind. I then allowed her to live with me. At this time is when I realized she was so was wrong about me it was her that was not dependable.

Fastforward almost 10 years later here she is in life with two children and you have fell madly in love with a man that is not their father. I had my own opinion of every guy you dated as did you. However I never told you how I felt about your choice in men because you are gonna like what you are gonna like. Who am I to change that. I kept my opinions to myself unless it was asked. Even when asked I tried to sugarcoat things to keep you happy. Which I realized I should have never done. I should have been more honest with you. Honesty can hurt weather you want it to or not. One day it hurt so much when we were sitting in my living room & I made a statement about her wedding. “You gonna have a lot of bridesmaids “. Her instant response was “I would not know who to choose for my maid of honor.” I looked at her with a puzzled face. “ like what do you mean? I’m your best friend I should be the maid of honor shouldn’t I?”. She looked me dead in the face and said “Well I don’t have a best friend I have only close friends.” That moment right then and there I should’ve picked up on the fact that she was not even considering me as a best friend. This is where I feel my heart is too big because I should have never allowed you to move into my home. Many people warned me that this will be a big mistake & that doing this for her is going to mess up our friendship. I said to Myself over and over and over again that this would not mess up the friendship. After a month of her family living in my house I realized this was the biggest mistake of my life. It’s one thing to always be able to help someone out but when you help someone out and inconvenience yourself you become slightly miserable. She has never done anything for me. Never!!! NEVER EVER!!!! I caught myself asking myself over the months what have they or she done for you? Have they done anything? Not just financially but emotionally or spiritually or even mentally. As time progressed thier true colors came out and they started to be more comfortable in my home. Which of course is okay but I don’t want you to get so comfortable that you stop seeing your goal of moving out. I begin to notice them both(her and her fiancé) be very ungrateful it makes you look at them in a new way. They made a lot of comments about things that made you look at them like wtf? Her fiancé would stay in the living room all day as if it was his man cave and if it wasn’t him the children would be taking over the living room. It then really started to bother me that she moved as if this was her apartment not realizing that she lived with me I didn’t live with her. she started to talk to me as if I was dumb. She talked down on me. she talked to me as if I didn’t know how to maintain my house. I’ve been living by myself on my own for several years. Also not to sound like a jerk but she’s never lived on her own. she’s always had to deal with some type of “living situation.” I guess she was really feeling her new level of freedom in my place ever since living with her fiancée at his apt. He happened to live in a decent part of New York and was living there with him for 3 years. This definitely must have given her a new level of bougieness. It started to bother me when I noticed she was Constantly buying things and spending a lot of money but not putting money away for a Place of her own. She started spending money on nonsense and things that was not even necessary to have just to impress her fiancée. Sorry to break it to you but you could have all these nice expensive things but it’s not gonna be all that great when you’re living on the street. However she moved into his apt with her two kids. I always try to be a supportive friend and I tried not to be hard but I have my own opinion. I did not agree with that but she wanted to do that. However this was one time where I had to tell her the truth and not sugarcoat it I told her several times not to move in to that apartment because he did not live alone he lived with family. It bothered me that she put herself in that position because I feel that the family did not even want her there. She told me many times when they made her feel a type of way but she stayed living there. In her head she thought if she paid majority of the bills that she would have input on matters of the apartment. However she failed to use her commonsense. mind you everyone talks about how smart she is (which she is)but she was moving very stupidly. I remember distinctively telling her several times do not move into that house don’t do it do not move in with your two kids. I’m telling you the mother does not like you. she didn’t care what I had to say because in her mind I “never experienced this type of love.” she followed her heart and she moved in anyway after moving in she still felt that life was great, it wasn’t really that great because every now and then she always went thru issues and problems with her fiancé and her fiancé’s mother.

Finally it got to a point where it was just too much to handle with them and she needed a place to go. In my head I originally only wanted her and her two kids to stay with me. However I realized while telling her that she didn’t really sound happy about it. So I offered to let her fiancé come stay too. WORST DECISION EVER! I should of just said only her and the kids. I truly believe if it wasn’t for him being here I would have not went thru half of all the shit I went thru.

Now I don’t live in the Taj Mahal and my neighborhood is not that great and maintenance does not always maintain the building however if you don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out who are you to act bougie you know. And that’s exactly how they acted like they lived in a palace.(rolls eyes) However the apartment was very well-maintained and I kept my apartment as clean as possible for the most part. Before they moved in I thought I had a pretty spacious apartment. As they were moving in I realized it was too much stuff that they had and it was crazy that they was in a room with all this stuff before. They made me realize how small my apartment was and also how thin my walls are. The fact that I felt like they were taking over my apartment was one thing but when they started trying to make me do chores in my apartment that I pay majority of the rent and I am barley home OHHH HELLLL NOOOO!!!! Strike 1. Of course I see nothing wrong with everyone taking part in cleaning the house. However there’s a way to do things and her approach was wrong. I understand her actions and she was trying to teach her children how to do daily chores and maintain where you live. However I’m the person that takes care of everything including the rent. I charged a family of 4 $100 to live in my apartment. I charged this amount because I felt that they needed to save money so that they can get their apartment. Then as I was watching the items that they were bringing in I realize why they had money problems. Leave it to them they will tell you they don’t have money issues but obviously they did. because if you didn’t have money issues you would’ve already had your own apartment don’t blame the fact about you having a bad credit score. When there is a will there is a way. I could have helped them find a home but I just didn’t feel it was necessary for me to drain more energy on them. I already inconvenienced my privacy for all of you. Its two adults who should be able to make something happen. You can always go get a guarantor and there’s always a way to get something done. They have been together for at least 3 to 4 years already and it baffles me that they didn’t have their own apartment by now. Your two able-bodied working adults. There is no reason that you didn’t save up enough money to get your own apartment and you’re literally bouncing from house to house living with people. The movements of these two was very insane and they were moving off their emotions and not moving off their needs. There are several instances during the time of them living here that I just was not OK with what they did. a lot of things that most people would not be OK with in their house they did. They never asked me anything they just did it. I told them to make thier self comfortable but I didnt say it’s a free for all and take over my Place.

I started to feel like I was a stranger in my own home. I started to feel almost as if I was trapped in my bedroom. I never came out of my bedroom I was always in my bedroom all day and my door is always closed and locked. after a while it started to bother me because I just felt like damn I just gave up my apartment for $100.

At first I didn’t wanna make a big deal of it so I just decided to go stay with friends and family for a couple of days here and there throughout the time that they were living with me. It concernd me a lot that I was about to no longer have my “bestfriend” anymore. I say this because our personalities was changing and I think we started to turn into people we did not like. after a few times it started to become a constant issue like a little thing here and a little thing there... I was constantly bothered and annoyed. My issue was I feel like I should say one thing one time and I never should have to say it again. I feel like if you’re an adult you should understand that especially if you are living with someone else you have to have some type of common decency.

So I started noticing every single time I came home their were weird bugs in the house because they had the windows open with no screens. I also started noticing there’s always a weird smell in this house never understood why it kept smelling tho. One day I was so mad and I just had to figure out what the hell was the smell that was just so bad in this house every time I come here it was this nasty smell so then I finally figured it out it was in the kitchen it was a bowl of fruit. At the bottom of the bowl of fruit was rotten fruit all turn green and brown & little gnats flying around on top of bowl. How do you have a bowl of fruit with rotten fruit on the bottom and fresh fruit at top. You smell it and see the flies but do nothing. Very Weird to me. I’m the type of person if you see something wrong just go ahead and fix it take action but when you don’t say nothing on it it’s gonna keep happening and left undone. And that’s what happened, it kept happening rotten fruit always in the house weird bugs that’s always flying around. Now after some time I caught on to what her shopping habits was and I realize what the issue was in the kitchen. Food was going bad in the fridge as well. it’s going bad because she’s going shopping every week one to two times. Not even finishing all the food that’s already in the house she is buying more to place in front of it. I got so annoyed that I started throwing stuff out and i was constantly feeling like I was cleaning up after them. Then what made it worse was her commentary. I didn’t like her commentary at all because she started speaking to me as if this was her house and I’m living in here with her.

She started telling me what to do with my house and more. It bothered me because she wanted things her way. It made me laugh tho when she told me how to clean my House. She told me how to clean my floors, I already knew how I just had to entertain her hoping she realize that her little family is the reason I would have to clean my floors more than twice a week. They roller skated(outside skates at that) all through the house. every single one of them rolling thru the living room and down the hall. I already told you that I realized after they moved in how small my apartment is. She tried to tell me how to cook. (Won’t lie she is an amazing cook but I can cook too) but i don’t know about y’all but when I cook I don’t like to be watched and she would just watch me. It kind of annoyed me. However I wasn’t embarrassed just was in my zone and didn’t want her fucking up my flow. Other things I don’t like is when you move my things from how I had them. One time She didn’t even try to tell me she just took it upon herself and moved furniture around. At times I thought she was not trying to be a asshole but since I know her and her mentality I feel like she was being a low key asshole anyway. Trying to have all control with in the apartment. I felt like I had to make it clear like Hello NEWS FLASH you are living with me this is my apartment no matter how you see it, no matter how much food you put into it, no matter how much money you bring it does not mean this is your apartment. All the money that your coming into you need to save and get you an apartment. you’re putting hard earned money into all these expensive gadgets and laptops and tablets and unnecessary items. All the money you both came into should’ve went to one account and you would have had your apartment by now. But hey responsibility goes a long way.

It got to a point where I just realize this was the worst mistake I ever did because slowly but surely I literally had just got out of a Toxic-relationship which she knew about. This is where I had just kicked out my ex-boyfriend I didn’t even give myself a year to breathe and I already had moved in a whole family. I always worry about everybody else in their life and I do not take care of myself and my mental health. I worried myself about her mental health and about her fiancé’s mental health not taking into account that these are two grown adults. At the end of the day they have each other to rely on I don’t have anyone.

I put myself in a bad situation. But honestly if it wasn’t for some unfortunate events I probably would still have that apartment they prolly would still be living there. Now I no longer have it and it was very upsetting. I had to worry about myself and no one else at that point. Things happen for a reason and this happens to make me realize at the end of the day you are on your own.

I survived the ordeal a good eight or nine months reason why I feel hurt is because I open my doors to her and her family and they almost destroyed my life with their presence in my apartment. I have had constant reports from neighbors. I had constant meetings with management and the landlord. My boyfriend and friends refused to come over because the vibe was off. I have more male friends than female friends and when my guy friends come over to play the video game and chill and smoke I end up having to bring them in my bedroom because they have the children in the living room as if it was thier bedroom. I sacrificed a lot and to be given both thier asses to kiss... I rather give them both a nice swift kick instead.

Constantly stressing over the whole situation with them being there circulated my mind a lot. I could list all day a lot of the things that they did that I didn’t like that I just put up with and I just tried to be quiet and stay to myself but after a while little things turn into big things and then they Escalate even more. Situations like this just make you look at people differently. In the end I ended up losing the apartment anyway. However what was so strange is that I lost a friendship too. literally since the first day they walked in my apartment our conversations and daily talks turned into one word responses and then one word responses turned into silence.

After deep deep deep thinking and self reflecting I decided to change my life. I started to change my mindset a little bit because I wanted to change and I was aiming for bigger goals in my personal life in order for me to do that I had to cut people off for a little bit so I can just focus solely on me once. I did that & I guess people took it the wrong way my actions basically told people that I didn’t want to deal with them no more but that’s not what it was.

I decided to log off. Go off-line. Deactivate all accounts. I needed a break from social media I needed a break from seeing What everyone else in the world is doing during this pandemic. I needed to Soley focus on myself and now is the best time for me to focus because I’m alone now. I went off-line for about two months (I had already went off-line previously for nine months and after we all left the apartment 2 months later I decided to just go online and see what I missed.) As soon as I got on Facebook I saw nothing new, nothing I missed everything was annoying still. I quickly deactivated the account but before deactivating the account I saw one of her post at the top of my feed. I was happy to see she was happy and having fun. So I continued on to deactivate the page. Once again I had to activate my Facebook again. I had to do some business that involved me using Facebook market so I was forced to turn it right back on so I turned it back on to find out she then blocked me. I had only logged off for 2 months. When I did that I blocked everybody friends family too. I deactivated my account & I wasn’t talking to no one. However the kicker was that I told her Before I even did what I did. I told her that I was going to go offline for a bit and get my self right. I just needed to break away I needed my space I just need to cut people off for a little bit. she agreed and she said that would be something really good.” sometimes you just need that to clear your head and sometimes you need that to better yourself “ She replied. So I’m thinking she’s in total understanding. I come back and she’s done the same exact thing as well. she blocked me. So I thought it was very awkward that she blocked me so me being a bigger person I contacted her.

I wrote her a long paragraph text. You know when it’s a long text it’s serious. Now I know Not a lot of people feel like oh if you are the bigger person you would’ve just left it alone. You wouldn’t even worry about it. Now you’re right if this wasn’t somebody that I claimed was my best friend I would’ve left it alone. I just would not give a damn AT ALL shooo, cuz I’m not trying to force a relationship on anyone. PERIOD!! But this cut deep, this was someone of over 10 years that I claimed was my ride or die. So of course I feel that she should be receptive to the situation. Instead of her being receptive she read everything I had to say in the long text and never responded. Left me on SEEN! It hurt ,it hurt very much but I left it alone I didn’t complain I didn’t make a big ordeal about it but the only way for me to mentally feel better or to get over the situation was for me to write to her. when you are not given a well deserved response it baisically means “fuck you” to me.

I feel I have so much more of a right to be mad. I feel that I’m absolutely not in the wrong at all but her actions are. I personally feel as much as everyone gives her credit for being mature and a bigger person you’re definitely being very Immature in this matter. so I write this to say I forgive you I won’t ever forget but I forgive you. It’s OK that we’re no longer friends. It hurts but Im actually getting over it and it’s not really the friend part thats bothering me it’s more the lack of response and respect for the one person that was helping you.

Physically mentally emotionally spiritually you’ve never done any of that for me. If you did please refresh my memory because I don’t remember. It’s sad to say but we used to say to each other “you ain’t shit and if you ain’t shit I ain’t shit and we ain’t shit together.” Now that I reread it we really wasnt shit.

Moral of the story is choose your best friends wisely. Speak your honesty when it is most necessary. We could’ve saved a friendship but it’s clear that you didn’t want to and you feel I wronged you. I think it even has more impact on me because I hate when people feel I wronged them but won’t tell me what I did. So if you wish to be silent carry on. Just a little more time and I’ll be good. Oh well on to new people and haveing new experiences.

“How you feeling now girl? “ looking at myself in the mirror trying to convince myself I’m over this backstabbing no good so called bestfriend. However I truly know I’m hurt because I labeled someone Bestfriend and they never deserved a ounce of my friendship. This person used and abused me and took advantage of my loyalty.

So yeah, let me be mad and get it all out of my system. Please do Feel this intense heartache self . Feel this so you know to never let Your guard down. Screw those who turn on you and those who aren’t real with you.

friendship
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About the Creator

Serafina

I’m Just A human being out here being a human.

From personal journals to creative short stories.

Just a little bit of everything for all readers.

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