Freewriting With a Not-So-Free Mind

Disclaimer: this is not written on a happy note, but rather a truthful one.

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1. "Can you please just knock on the door?" My brain asks for the fifth time, because everybody just comes barging in as though they can't understand I'm a full grown adult who also needs respect and privacy. You can't just invade the bubble all the time.

2. I'm tired. No, really, at this point in time, I'm really tired. I'm tired with myself, with the speed my brain works, with people, with the world. I'm also equally angry and frustrated, and my feelings are pretty all over the place, not literally. It's like riding through waves, just that those aren't the calm ones that make you feel relaxed and peaceful by the beach.

3. Imagine being in a wonderful environment, and catching up with your niece, but mentally, you're not really there. You're physically well dressed and you put on some lipstick, but there's an unknown force that pulls your face down. And then, you have a quite-okay week, but somehow, somewhere, you're suddenly so tensed and triggered by anything your mum has just said/done.

It will then last for a few hours.

4. That few hours would've been so productive in the longest time; I could play that guitar that I haven't touched for months, clean my desk/desktop, whichever requires cleaning, read, exercise, have meaningful conversations, and just being me—comfortably.

But it almost never will. It gets better, and then things start to crumble before you know it. Little things make me frustrated, and then I would dwell in it, where I would then start questioning what my purpose is in life. It gets really exhausting.

5. It's hurting me as much as it's hurting everybody who cares about me. But adulting has also made me realise that sometimes I have to "hurt" them so that they won't be able to hurt me back. Let me rephrase: if someone assumes you're offending them (which you clearly think you have not), let them have the last say. Let them think that you're hurting them, because regardless how you're trying to prove you're innocent, you can't change their mind when they've already thought that you're not.

6. There's been a recent incident with a friend that made me think of it this way. It's that conflict, of knowing you're innocent, and also knowing you might lose a friendship. But at the end of the day, what's really most important for every single person is to care for themselves. To think that it may be selfish to lose a friend may not really seem that selfish of a thing after all. It gets better, I guess.

7. Perhaps it's difficult to even fathom what is better, anyway. I think that some people would rather stay in a mentally-bothered state, because they can't care less about the depressing world we're all living in. Some see it positively—which is great—but some just can't. Maybe not yet.

8. Maybe the only thing that really is good for the soul is to find peace in everything we are doing. Even if we do not particularly know what we're doing, and whether or not the path we've chosen is 'correct'; just go with it. Just wing it. Just, go.

9. Really, it should be that simple, right? Life is really not so complicated after all, right? Not exactly, when you find yourself stuck, and these words keep ringing in your ear, "what more do you want from me, you silly mind?!" Sometimes it takes hours, days, even, to calm the mind. What great warriors we truly are to know how to endure mental torture (another friend said this to me, and it really touched me; thank you).

10. It's as though the mind really has a mind of its own. Doing things subconsciously without getting your permission, then ending up making you feeling guilty about it all. No, seriously, what more do you want?

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Now that I've poured out most of what's been bothering me, I should be able to get some good sleep. Goodnight, and please remember to knock on my door the next time you're trying to come in. Okay?